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Season 1 - Episode 1
"Pilot"
Written by Dan Harmon
Directed by Anthony & Joe Russo
Original Air Date: 9/17/2009
Transcribed by Christine G.
 
Dean Pelton: How do we turn this off? Mom, do you think you can help me turn this off? Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh. How do we turn this off? Can you help me with this? Oh thank you. Thank you so much. I didn't mean to snap. Good morning. Many of you are halfway through your first week here at Greendale and as your Dean, I thought I would share a few thoughts of wisdom and inspiration. What is community college? Well, you've heard all kinds of things. You've heard it's loser college for remedial teens, 20-something dropouts, middle-aged divorcees, and old people keeping their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity. That's what you heard. However, I wish you luck! Ok you know, uh oh. Ok there's more to this speech. There's actually a middle card that is missing. Can we all look around our immediate areas? Cause I really wanted to--
 
Abed: I'm only half Arabic actually. My dad is Palestinian. He's a U.S. Citizen. He's not a threat to national security or anything. A lot of people want to know that after they meat him because he has an angry energy. But not like angry at America. Just angry at my mom for leaving him. Although she did leave because he was angry and he was angry because she's American. My name's Abed, by the way.
Jeff: Abed, nice to know you and then meet you, in that order. Now, about that question that I had--
Abed: Oh, uh...five after eleven when you asked—
Jeff: Abed?
Abed: Yeah?
Jeff: What's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class? I can't find a road in there.
Abed: Well I only talked to her once while she was borrowing a pencil, but her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday in October, she has two older brothers and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might want to look up. Oh, and she thinks she's gonna flunk tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus. So she's sorry if that makes her seem cold.
Jeff: Hold crap. Abed. I see your value now.
Abed: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
 
Duncan: Absolutely not.
Jeff: These guys knew you like I did, they would have given you a small office.
Duncan: Jeff Winger! Genius at law.
Jeff: You've got to stop saying that.
Duncan: I will never do that. Sit down. I still cannot figure out how you got a jury to connect September the 11th with my DUI, let alone why that helped.
Jeff: Well, 2002 was a simpler time.
Duncan: So, what is my lawyer doing here?
Jeff: I'm a student.
Duncan: Well, that cannot be an inspiring journey.
Jeff: Uh, I am in a bit of a jam. The state bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was less than legitimate.
Duncan: I thought you had a bachelor's from Columbia?
Jeff: Now I have to get one from America. And it can't be an email attachment.
Duncan: Well, you've picked a fine school.
Jeff: Yes, and I'm hoping that our friendship will yield certain advantages. You know, academic guidance...
Duncan: Yes.
Jeff: Moral support, every answer to every test for every one of the classes that I'm taking. Uh, here's my schedule.
Duncan: No. Now Jeff, just by asking that you have insulted the integrity of this entire institution. [knocks on glass] Oi! Waster! Not a bathroom! Not, not a bathroom.
Jeff: Ok. Duncan, you did seem less into integrity the day that I convinced 12 of your peers that when you made that U-turn on the freeway and tried to order chalupas from the emergency call box, that your only real crime was loving America.
Duncan: Well I do love America. I love it, very much.
Jeff: Mmm?
Duncan: I- I love chalupas.
Jeff: But?
Duncan: I'll look into it.
Jeff: Thank you. Duncan, you are a good man.
Duncan: Jeff, are you familiar with the adage "cheaters never prosper"?
Jeff: No, and if I wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have come to community college.
 
Jeff: Oh hey! Spanish.
Britta: Uh, don't hit on me, ok?
Jeff: Whoa. I wouldn't dream of it. I just wanted to let you know about my Spanish study group.
Britta: Oh, whoa, whoa. The guy who's playing Bejeweled on his iPhone all class has a study group? Um, can I sign up twice?
Jeff: I'm taking the class as an easy credit. I'm actually a Spanish tutor. Board Certified.
Britta: Can you say that in Spanish now?
Jeff: [Speaks Spanish, subtitles read:] I sleep late Spanish, one more hour, do not scratch my car.
Britta: I really need help with Spanish.
Jeff: Yeah, I was willing to bet. I'm Jeff or Jefe. [Subtitles read: "Boss"] The group meets at the library at four.
Britta: Britta, thanks.
Jeff: You're gonna be there? Poquito mas! [Subtitles read: A little more] That means "See you there." Shouldn't be too hard to fake a study group, right?
Woman: Huh?
Jeff: Oh geez, I'm sorry. I was raised on TV and I was conditioned to believe that every black woman over 50 is a cosmic mentor.
Woman: Were you conditioned to pay for your damn tacos, Sein-field?
Jeff: Yes, I'm so sorry. It's Seinfeld.
 
Jeff: Bien-bein-bienvenido. Bienvenuto! Hey, all right, come on in. Uh, got the whole table. Welcome.
Britta: Yeah, got the whole room.
Jeff: Yeah, here's the, uh...contact sheet. Just put your stuff there. Man. Rest of the group is running late. But you and I can get acquainted.
Britta: You may have noticed this morning, not so good at the small talk.
Jeff: Yeah I like big talk. What's your deal?
Britta: That's not small talk?
Jeff: What's your deal and is God dead?
Britta: Alright, you want to know my deal? I dropped out of high school because I thought for some reason it would impress Radiohead.
Jeff: You'd be surprised what gets back to those guys.
Britta: I, um-- I joined the Peace Corps, did a little foot modeling, I got tear gassed at a world trade rally...
Jeff: Marry me.
Britta: [laughs] And I guess, Jeff, my deal is, above all else, honesty.
Jeff: Honesty?
Britta: Yeah. You tell me the truth, I will like you. You lie to me, I will never talk to you again. That's my deal.
Jeff: Ah, that's a good deal.
Britta: So what's your deal?
Jeff: Uh, I would have to go-- I would have to say, um, honesty, because I would say anything to get what I want. And I want you to like me. So uh--
Britta: Wow. That's a very honest answer. Alright, now I like you fine.
Jeff: Really? Wow. You're easy.
Britta: Hell yeah. Abed! In the house! Whoo!
Abed: Whoo!
Britta: Whoo!
Jeff: Whoo! Why?
Abed: Britta invited me, is that cool?
Jeff: Oh, I can't think of a single logical reason why not.
Abed: Cool.
Jeff: There you go. Oh hey, here. Put your contact info down right there. That's great.
Abed: Cool, cool, cool. Cool, cool cool. Hey, this is kind of like The Breakfast Club huh?
Britta: We are in a library.
Abed: Yeah, I'm sure we've each got an issue balled up inside of us that would make us cry if we talked about it.
Britta: Do you have something balled up inside of you?
Abed: Well, I got a little doozy in the chamber if things get emotional. [cell phone rings] Oh. Hey, text message. Let's give this bad boy a read.
Jeff: It's probably just for you.
Abed: I've never gotten one of these.
Jeff: They're--it's probably--you just--
Abed: "Say you have to pee, I need to talk to you." "Say you have to pee."
Britta: That is weird.
Abed: "Say you have to pee, I need to talk to you"
Jeff: Yeah, do you have to pee?
Abed: No. That's so weird.
Jeff: Well I'm stumped. That's very creepy. That makes two of us. [phone rings, Jeff's text reads: "Con-4-s-8-tion on football field now!!! -Duncan"
Britta: What's that?
Abed: Does it say you have to pee?
Jeff: No, it's just someone with a misguided grasp of abbreviation. I just need 5 minutes you guys, so go ahead and study all the verbs...in Spanish.
Britta: Abed.
Abed: Yeah?
Britta: What's your read on that guy?
Abed: You look like Elisabeth Shue.
 
Duncan: Just act natural. Pretend you're watching the athletic proceedings.
Jeff: You couldn't stop me from watching them. There's a guy trying out for the track team that is older than the game of poker. He's kind of trucking.
Duncan: Suppose I was to say to you it was possible to get those test answer?
Jeff: I would say go for that. And could have said so in a text.
Duncan: I'm asking you if you know the difference between right and wrong.
Jeff: I discovered at a very early age that if I talk long enough, I could make anything right or wrong. So either I'm god, or truth is relative. And in either case, booyah.
Duncan: Oh, interesting. It's just the average person has a much harder time saying “booyah” to moral relativism.
Jeff: Duncan, you don't have to play shrink to protect your pride. I accept. You're chicken.
Duncan: Are you trying to use reverse psychology on a psychologist?
Jeff: No, I'm just using regular psychology on a spineless, British twit.
Duncan: I'm a professor! You can't talk to me that way.
Jeff: A six year old girl could talk to you that way!
Duncan: Yes! Because that would be adorable!
Jeff: No, because you're a five year old girl and there's a pecking order!
Duncan: Fine! I'll do it!
Jeff: Thank you.
Duncan: Yeah, pleasure! Bye! Yes! Good! Why am I still shouting? I'm drawing attention to myself.
 
Jeff: You guys aren't going to believe this, but the rest of the group...is here.
Pierce: Are you the board certified tutor?
Troy: That means you do my homework. Right, Seacrest?
Shirley: I need to call my babysitter if we're gonna be later than 10:00.
Annie: What board certifies a tutor?
Jeff: Where's Britta?
Abed: Not sure. But I invited more people from Spanish class. Is that cool?
Jeff: It's the coolest. I'm- gonna go to the bathroom and....bring my jacket, wallet and keys with me. In case there's a fire.
Shirley: Should we go with him?
Troy: I'm leaving my homework with Slumdog Millionaire over here.
Shirley: That's borderline racist, I think.
 
Britta: And...busted.
Jeff: Uh, listen.
Britta: Now you know. I'm a smoker.
Jeff: Yeah, but they're filtered, so that makes them safe.
Britta: You ready to get started? Looks like the rest of your group showed up.
Jeff: Yeah, not mine actually. I think Abed took out a page on Craigslist. And I was trained never to say this, but I think that group may be untutorable.
Britta: Oh really?
Jeff: So, why don't you and I go study over--
Britta: Dinner?
Jeff: Or drinks.
Britta: I think actually we should prioritize here and study first and then go to dinner. And if they really prove untutorable, we'll slip out early.
Jeff: Oh...they will be...untutorable.
 
Jeff: All right. Look at this crew. All ready to study all night.
Shirley: Well, I can stay at least till 10...
Jeff: But who studies with strangers, right? My name is Jeff.
Pierce: Jeff, it's a pleasure. My name is Pierce Hawthorne and yes, that is Hawthorne as in Hawthorne Wipes, the award winning moist towelette.
Jeff: I was just going to ask.
Pierce: I'm also a toast master, so perhaps I should do the introductions.
Jeff: Definitely!
Pierce: Alright, you already know brittles...
Britta: Britta.
Pierce: A-bed. Uh, A-bed the A-rab. Is that inappropriate?
Abed: Sure.
Pierce: Roy, Roy the wonder boy.
Troy: Troy.
Pierce: Little Princess Elizabeth...
Annie: Annie.
Pierce: And finally, this beautiful creature is name Shirley.
Jeff: Is that even close? [Shirley nods]
Annie: I'd like to know why I had to find out about this group on accident?
Abed: This is getting way more like Breakfast Club now.
Pierce: There's breakfast?
Britta: Ok, um, maybe we should get started--
Jeff: You know, I've been a part of a lot of study groups that fell apart because of unresolved tension. Shouldn't we address Annie's concern? Did we not invite her?
Shirley: Well, Annie, sweetie, it's not behind your back. We just didn't think you--
Annie: Can we stop with the pumpkins and the sweeties? Being younger does not make me inferior. If anything, your age indicates that you've made bad life decisions.
Shirley: Mmm! Mm-hmm.
Jeff: Shirley has a response to that.
Troy: Yeah yeah, go ahead.
Shirley: No no no. I don't
Troy: You should, it looks like you do. [group argues]
Jeff: Please Shirley, go ahead.
Shirley: Ok, ok. Um, I'm sure I've made some bad life decisions and maybe Annie's decisions will be better. Um. But I think she needs to decide whether she wants to be considered a child or an adult, because children get pity when not respected. And adults, they get respect, but they also get the back of they head grabbed and their face pushed through jukeboxes!
Britta: OK! Why don't we try learning Jukebox in Spanish. [Pierce reaches out to touch Shirley's hair]
Shirley: What are you doing?!
Jeff: Pierce! Let's discuss this creepiness.
Pierce: Pardon you?
Britta: What are you doing?
Jeff: I'm certified.
Jeff: Are you unaware that Shirley finds your advances inappropriate?
Pierce: [laughs] What advances?
Shirley: You have been sexually harassing me since the very first day of class.
Pierce: Sexually harassing? What? That makes no sense to me. Why would I harass somebody who turns me on?
Troy: Saying she turns you on is the harassment, dude.
Pierce: Hey! I am a prominent business leader. And a highly sought after dinner guest, and I will not take courting advice from some teenage boy.
Troy: [laughs] Well this teenage boy is a quarterback and a prom king.
Annie: You're not prom king anymore, Troy. This isn't Riverside high.
Troy: How'd you know I went there?
Annie: Because...you're still wearing your stupid letter jacket and more importantly, I sat behind you in Algebra.
Troy: Wait, you're that girl who got hooked on pills and then dropped out. [laughs] You're little Annie Adderall.
Annie: Yes and you are a stupid jock who lost his scholarship by dislocating both shoulders in a keg stand.
Troy: Keg flip! They're very hard to pull off!
Annie: Don't talk to me.
Troy: You don't know! I'm a legend! [group argues]
Shirley: Would everybody just-- You touch me every time I-
Abed: You know what I got for Christmas?! It was a banner year at the Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said, “Hey, smoke up Johnny!” “No dad! What about you?!” [silence]
Jeff: Well, uh...that-- that actually was from The Breakfast Club.
Abed: Nobody puts baby in the corner. [phone rings]
Jeff: Dirty Dancing. Hello?
Duncan: [on phone in strange voice] It's professor Duncan. Come to the parking lot now.
Jeff: What's wrong with your voice?
Duncan: I'm disguising it. [hangs up]
Jeff: Uh, I'll be right back. But while I'm gone, you guys need to hash this stuff out. No stone unturned. Go!
Shirley: What is he talking about? [group resumes arguing]
 
Duncan: [honking car horn] Get in the car! Act as if we've either just finished or yet to begin driving. [grabs envelope] Every answer to every test in your curriculum this semester.
Jeff: I knew you could do it buddy, thank you!
Duncan: Whoa there, grabby grabby. What do I get?
Jeff: The satisfaction of being even.
Duncan: Even, fairness, right, wrong. There is no god, booyah booyah.
Jeff: Yeah, what do you want from me?
Duncan: Your Lexus.
Jeff: My car for a semester's worth of answers?
Duncan: Will it be just a semester though, Jeff? Won't you be taking the easy way out for the next four years? I want payment in advance. I want leather seats with built-in ball warmers.
Jeff: You know, bluffs this weak are how your people lost the colonies.
Duncan: Have a nice disbarment hearing.
Jeff: What am I supposed to drive?
Duncan: Why don't you take this car? It's good for the Earth.
Jeff: Yeah so is wiping your butt with a leaf, but it's not how a man gets around! [takes envelope]
 
Britta: [group is still arguing from inside study room] It is a disaster in there!
Jeff: Yeah, untutorable. Do you like Thai food? I love Thai food.
Britta: Wait, so this is a game to you? You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles for a shot at getting in my pants?
Jeff: Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is? Ok ok ok, I'm sorry. It was an accident. I did a little bit of lying to get close to you. But how was I supposed to know that you were smart and cool? I mean, you look like Elisabeth Shue.
Britta: You're unbelievable.
Jeff: What do you want me to do?
Britta: Oh, maybe one decent thing could be to go in there and clean up your mess.
Troy: [from inside study room] Ok! I am the Barack Obama of this room!
Jeff: Ok, if I do that then dinner, right?
Shirley: [from study room] I'm here to learn Spanish! I got children at home!
Britta: [laughs] Yeah, fine, whatever. As if there's a dinner on Earth that could make me forget you are a shallow douchebag.
Jeff: Oh you're gonna eat those words when you see my new car.
 
Jeff: [group argues loudly] Alright everybody! I want to say something. Sit down!
Shirley: You don't have to yell. I don't appreciate your tone.
Jeff: You know what makes humans different from other animals?
Troy: Feet.
Pierce: No no no. Come on. Bears have feet.
Jeff: We're the only species on earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe shark week, but we do. For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is Steve, and go like this. [snaps pencil]
Abed: Oh!
Jeff: And part of you dies just a little bit on the inside, because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil. We can forgive a shark. And we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting.
Pierce: Big mistake.
Troy: He's got a point.
Jeff: People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome. But I can never admit that because that would make me an ass. But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.
Pierce: The Dalai Lama and I--
Jeff: We should listen to him sometime. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley. Shirley has earned our respect, not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox is way too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. Do you think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No. They're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup, because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself.
Pierce: Soup?
Jeff: I want you to look to the person to your left. [group all turns to left] Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you.
Abed: Look at her?
Jeff: Yeah. I want you to extend to that person the same compassion that you extend to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person, “I forgive you.”
Annie: I forgive you.
Shirley: I forgive you.
Abed: I forgive you
Britta: I forgive you.
Troy: I forgive you.
Pierce: You little twerp.
Jeff: Pierce, I'd like you to say “I forgive you.”
Shirley: He didn't say it?
Pierce: [mutters] Forgive you.
Jeff: You just stopped being a study group. You have become something unstoppable. I hereby pronounce you a community.
Shirley: Oh, that's nice. I like that. [Abed claps]
Abed: This isn't like Breakfast Club anymore. Now it's like Stripes or Meatballs or anything with Bill Murray really.
Jeff: I agree with Abed that tonight has been very special. And now if you'll excuse me, I have a dinner engagement with Britta. Britta?
Britta: I lied. Thanks for calming everyone down. But since you're not a Spanish tutor, just a lying creep who purposely upset everyone in an attempt to get with me, I'd appreciate it if you left and stopped wasting all of our time. Everybody ready?
Jeff: Fine. And I'm happy to report that one of the benefits of being a lying creep is having all the answers to tomorrow's test. And I'm happy to share them with anyone whose time I've wasted more than they've wasted mine.
Pierce: Uh, Jeff, if you have all the answers, why the hell did you start this study group?
Jeff: I don't have a study group, Pierce. I made it up.
Annie: What about the look left speech?
Jeff: Made it up! That's what I do. I make things up and I got paid a lot of money to do it before I came to this school shaped toilet. I was a lawyer.
Britta: Oh, god. [group groans]
Troy: That explains everything.
Abed: You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films.
Jeff: Yeah?
Abed: Yeah.
Jeff: Well, you have Asperger's. [Shirley gasps]
Troy: [laughs] Ass burger.
Annie: It's a serious disorder.
Shirley: It really is.
Pierce: If it's so serious why don't they call it meningitis?
Troy: [laughs] Yeah.
Pierce: [laughs] Ass burger.
Troy: Burger for your ass.
 
Duncan: [Jeff opens envelope to find it's full of blank paper. The last sheet says “Booyah”] Jeffrey, before you say anything, you may want to think about the gift you've been given.
Jeff: An excuse to punch a hippy?
Duncan: No. No not that. An important lesson, my friend. You see, the tools you acquired to survive out there will not help you here at Greendale. What you have my friend, is a second chance at an honest life.
Jeff: Why are people trying to teach me things at a school that has an express tuition aisle? Give me my keys.
Duncan: No. I have to keep the car for the lesson-- don't hit me. Please don't hit me! [Jeff takes keys] Jeffrey! Jeffrey? Are we cool? Are we cool? We cool.
Pierce: I like you Jeffrey. You remind me of myself at your age.
Jeff: I deserve that.
Pierce: You know, I've been divorced seven times. Sometimes I think I'm doing something wrong.
Jeff: You keep getting married.
Pierce: I never looked at it that way.
Jeff: Shouldn't you guys be studying?
Troy: Yeah, things got kind of boring after you left. Let me ask you something. People have been clowning me about this jacket since I got here, but if I take it off to make them happy, that just makes me weak, right?
Jeff: Listen. It doesn't matter. You lose the jacket to please them. You keep it to piss them off. Either way, it's for them. That's what's weak.
Troy: Wow. You just wrinkled my brain, man.
Pierce: He's good isn't he?
Troy: He's real good.
Britta: Shouldn't you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers?
Jeff: I don't have any of the answers. I'm gonna-- I'm gonna flunk the test.
Troy: You just, like, study for like an hour. It's not that hard. You seem pretty smart. You've got a sports coat.
Jeff: Well, me. Funny thing about being smart is that you can get through most of life without ever having to do any work. So uh...I'm not really sure how to do that. [Shirley, Annie, Troy and Britta all mouth silently to each other]
Abed: What's going on? Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf? Can you hear me talking right now?
Group: Yes!
Abed: That's good.
Britta: You know what? Jeff, actually we didn't get that far without you, so if you want to come back upstairs--
Jeff: Really?
Britta: Well it is your study group, so.
Shirley: Come on, let's study.
Pierce: Sounds good.
Troy: No pressure.
Abed: I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas and I see your value now.
Jeff: Well that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. [Scene ends with Breakfast Club theme]