Season 1 - Episode 2
Written by Dan Harmon
Directed by Joe Russo
Original Air Date: 9/24/2009
Transcribed by Victor
Dean: Good afternoon Greendale Community College. I am your dean, with a few corrections to the fall class catalog. Cosmology should be Cosmetology. Astrology should be Astronomy. And uh, the students on the cover should be smiling but I suppose that's a matter of opinion. Whoever is growing a small patch of cannabis behind the gymnasium, congratulations you have won a cruise, report to security to claim your tickets. In order to increase awareness of homelessness, security has been given binoculars. In campus news, the debate over our library's PA system continues, with some students suggesting it's volume be lowered. While others question its very purpose. More on that story as it unfolds.
Troy: That dude makes a lot of announcements.
Abed: I like it. It makes every 10 minutes feel like the beginning of a new scene of a TV show. Of course, the illusion only lasts until someone says something they never say on TV. Like, how much their life is like TV. There it's gone.
Annie: I guess Jeff's running late again.
Britta: Aw what a shame. Maybe we should get started on--
Shirley: Oh, no no no no no. I think we should wait for Jeff before we start studying.
Annie: But maybe when Jeff gets here, we can talk to him as a group about his tardiness.
Pierce: Oh come on now, don't use that word around Abed. And in any case if you wanted me to have a chat with Jeff, I'd be happy to do it. We've got a bond going kind of, sort of like brothers.
Troy: I hope your mom didn't make you take bathes together cause one of you would've been like 30.
Shirley: That's funny.
Pierce: You know Jeff, probably comes late so he doesn't have to sit through all your tardiness. Sorry Abed.
Britta: Ok, will you guys have some self respect, you are obsessing over someone who does not give you a second thought. Meanwhile in Guatamala, journalists are being killed by their own government.
Shirley: Baby you ah jumped a column there, what's happening in Guatamala?
Annie: Journalists are being murdered?
Britta: Believe me, every day in that country people are being killed for speaking out. And the worst part of it is when it is all over…
Britta: …it's gonna be is if it never even happened. Hey Abed, real stories, they don't have spoilers. You understand that TV and life are different right?
Jeff: Hey! [to annie] Muh lady.
Annie: Muh lord.
Jeff: [to shirley] Hey baby...
Shirley: Hi sweetie.
Jeff: …you smell nice. Vitamin P.
Pierce: Morning Jeffery. People are jazzed to see me too.
Troy: What 'em up!
Jeff: What 'em everywhere
Abed: Good entrance.
Jeff: Just for you.
Abed: Thank you.
Britta: Hey Jeff. Uh, I think there's something that the group would like to talk to you about. [group mumbles] Ok, if your going to study with people it'd be cool of you to show up on time.
Jeff: Oh, were you waiting? [group mumbling] Cause you guys usually spend the first 20 minutes talking about your interesting personal lives and your cool emotional problems. And I just feel like I never have anything to offer.
Jeff: No no, truth is my life is emptier than this 3 ring binder. Annie do you have any spanish notes that might fit in there. Oh double spaced, thank you. So whats a guy gotta do to get a 'C' around here.
Jeff: Hey, you know what today is? It's the 2 week anniversary of my horrible first impression.
Britta: There's a card for that.
Jeff: Well not specifically, but if you think of grandsons as a metaphor for friendship. I think you'll agree with this transformer here, that it's time for ours to become a man. By reading from the torah.
Britta: Look Jeff, your harmless enough to me because a life full of ups and downs has given me douche-ray vision. Those are good people in there. And they trust and respect you. And watching you exploit them, kinda bums me out.
Jeff: Exploit them? They're my friends.
Abed: Do you want me to bring your car around Jeff?
Jeff: Nooo Abed. I don't want you to bring my car around. I'll bring yours around good guy. You get going, all right.
Britta: You're cute but selfish and narcissistic to the point of near delusion.
Jeff: She said I was cute.
Pierce: I'll tell ya what, you take her. I have less to prove. You know Jeff, you can't pursue people so desperately, it starts to creep them out. Why don't we go get a beer. I'll give you some advice and uh we can have what the kids are calling a 'sausagefest'.
Jeff: I'm not much of a sausage guy Pierce. Maybe next time.
Pierce: Next time then. [to random girl] Hey.
Annie: Britta, will you tell us more about Guatamala.
Shirley: I never went to a real college. I want to be political.
Britta: Well, that's good. You guys should discover that stuff on your own.
Annie: Yeah, but we need your help. We've been living on the wrong side of the looking glass. You're like Jodi Foster or Susan Surandon. You'd rather keep it real than be likable.
Shirley: Can you at least tell us what to Google?
Britta: Uh, you could start with this journalist Chicata Panico. He wrote an article critical of the government and they killed him.
Annie: That's horrible!
Shirley: Can we have a protest? I want to protest the hell out of something.
Annie: We can have a candlelight vigil like lesbians have on the news.
Shirley: I can make brownies.
Señor Chang: Every once in a while a student will come up to me and ask, 'Señor Chang, why do you teach spanish?'. They say it just like that. Why do YOU teach spanish? Why you? Why not math? Why not photography? Why not martial arts? I mean surely, it must be in my nature to instruct you in something that's ancient and secret. Like oh, building a wall that you can see from outer space. Well I'll tell you why I teach spanish. It is none of your business. Okay. And I don't want to have any conversations what a mysterious inscrutable man I am. Oh hehehe, oh hohoho. [yells] I am a spanish genius. En Espanol, my nickname is El Tigre Chino. Cause my knowledge will bite her face off. So don't question Señor Chang or you'll get bit. Ya bit, ya bit! Ok, para mañana, we'll be having conversations with the rest of the class using some of the phrases we learned in unit 1. You'll be partnering up in pairs of, Dos. So if you look under your desk, you'll find a card with either a picture or a word on it, okay. Por Enjemplo, blondie aqui has a card with a picture of a house on it. So that means the person with a card with the word 'casa' on it is her partner. Comprende Starburns? Okay, see you friday, find your partners. Have a great day and what do we say at the end of every class? Hasta luego. Come on hands, 90% of spanish. Hasta Luego! Excelente, Excelente. Good.
Jeff: Abed, Abed, Abed. Do you want to trade cards?
Jeff: I'll give you 20 bucks?
Jeff: 50 bucks?
Abed: No. I don't want your money, I want your shirt.
Abed: I've had my eye on it since registration day.
Jeff: All right fine, give me your card.
Abed: I don't think you understand. I want to wear it out of here.
Señor Chang: Gracias.
Jeff: What are the odds?
Britta: Are you sure you didn't adjust the odds? I- I know Abed's been eyeing that shirt for 3 weeks. It's almost like you give it to him so he would switch cards.
Jeff: I gave Abed my shirt because I'm not selfish which is something I guess you'll finally discover while we are working on this. Tomorrow night, dinner, drinks?
Britta: I think that's something we should discuss with our partners. Oh see, I did switch cards.
Pierce: Can you believe this? What are the odds? Nice shirt, want to sell it?
Pierce: What's the moist toilette industry like? Oh believe me it's nothing like the product. Naw it's a hard, dry, large business. Destroyed all my marriages. Of course it didn't help any that I can't have children. I'm not sterile, in fact it's a rare condition called hypervirility. Apparently my sperm… shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?
Jeff: I can't, but you can, so that's fine. So the assignment is to write a spanish conversation using those 5 phrases that--
Pierce: Ohh. Hemingway's lemonade.
Jeff: We don't need to make this a long evening, we can just-
Pierce: What am I a piece of garbage to you?
Jeff: What? No!
Pierce: Got ya! Hey, come on, let's…let's have one drink before we work. [pours drink] To the empowerage of words.
Jeff: To the irony of that sentence.
Pierce: So what's up with you Jeffery? It seems like you've got a burr up your ass or something.
Jeff: Well umm I guess that it's uh, I think it's Britta.
Pierce: Forget Britta. All you have to know about her is her name. What is she a water filter I mean. She's ugly.
Jeff: Ok, why don't we start with me saying, Donde la-
Pierce: What the hell you doing?
Jeff: Our assignment.
Pierce: Oh no, no, no. This is the first time the people are going to see Winger and Hawthorne together. We are going to show them we are a force to be reckoned with. Come on let's brainstorm some story ideas. Better yet before we do that, let's ask ourselves. What is a story?
Jeff: Oh my god in heaven.
Shirley: If you like that brownie, you're going to hate what's going on in Guatamala. I'll tell ya that. Google it. Hey, raise the truth.
Annie: Okay. Once it gets dark, I hand out the candles and we do what's called a speechless protest. We put tape over our mouth and gather hand in hand in a sea of outraged silence.
Britta: Starburns no, no.
Annie: Britta, what's gotten into you.
Britta: This is not how you do this.
Shirley: Well we know it's not how you do it, because we're doing it.
Britta: Yeah, but this is tacky and lame. I didn't mean that, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry, what I meant to say is that this cause is really personal to me.
Annie: Are you saying that we are not allowed to protest. Britta, you sound like Guatamala.
Shirley: Sounds like somebody has the case of 'likes to use fringe politics to make themselves feel special but doesn't actually ever want to do anything'-itis.
Britta: No, I do things. I… I went to… I don't do anything. What can I do?
Annie: You can hang the Chicata Panico's piñata.
Britta: You guys realize he was beaten to death right?
Shirley: That's where we got the idea from.
Pierce: All right. Okay, tell me what I've got so far.
Jeff: What we have so far. Well we have something uh incredibly long and very confusing. And a little homophobic. And really, really specifically, surprisingly, and gratuitously critical of Israel. And it's called two conquistadors, should probably be dos, I mean it is a spanish class. Oh which reminds me, the only thing not included in this epic are the five phrases required to get me a passing grade.
Pierce: You're right. Needs more work.
Abed: What are you guys doing?
Jeff: I have no idea?
Troy: Well we're headed to the demonstration.
Pierce: A lot of hippies?
Troy: Some cause Britta is in to.
Abed: It's a silent protest. Lots of candles, gets the ladies in the mood for social change. If you know what I mean. Good chance to put some miles on this shirt.
Pierce: You realize these conversations are due in the morning. Don't you?
Troy: Um, right. What do you want to do?
Abed: Hola, me llamo Abed.
Troy: Hola, me llamo Troy.
Abed: Donde esta la biblioteca?
Troy: La biblioteca esta en la cuidad.
Pierce: Hacks. Okay, what are we going to do about the ending of act two.
Jeff: I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're going to take this and we are going to put it in a museum for crazy people. And then we are going to take this, and memorize five phrases from it tomorrow morning before class. Good night.
Pierce: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're bailing on our first sausagefest? This is your definition of friendship?
Jeff: No, this is my definition of you trying way to hard and me finding it harder and harder to stay polite. Now this was a fine enough way to spend an evening devoid of hope but the woman I kind of like is out there in the moonlight caring about something stupid. And this is my chance to show her that I care enough to act like I care about it too.
Pierce: That's all you had to say Jeff.
Jeff: That was it? Ah that would have been great if I'd done that 2 hours ago.
Britta: Nice sign.
Jeff: Thanks, I like what you've done with the place.
Britta: I.. I think I was a little to harsh on you. I'm not perfect.
Jeff: I am and I'd be happy to show you the ropes.
Pierce: Awesome. Look at awesome Jeffery Winger. Too awesome for old Pierce. With your hip shirts and your… your gelled hair. And your cool tape over your mouth. Why is everybody wearing tape over their mouth?
Jeff: It's a protest Pierce.
Pierce: Oh good. Cause I'd know what I'd like to protest, how much you hurt me.
Abed: Conflicts like these will ultimately bring us together as an unlikely family.
Troy: You have horrible breathe right now.
Pierce: First you constantly blow me off. Then you want me to do your homework.
Pierce: Then you tell me I'm trying to hard to be your friend, so you have to go. You have to come out here to pretend to care about the stupid stuff she cares about. His words, not mine.
Jeff: He is paraphrasing. Pierce, I got an idea. Why don't you go get a cup of coffee and hold some waitress hostage with a monologue about your sperm.
Pierce: I'll show you some sperm buddy. [arm turns on fire] Is this your idea? [runs on fire] No, I'm not ready to die.
Jeff: Oh, oh, oh he's… he's jumped in the fountain. He's fine.
Annie: Have you seen it?
Shirley: We did it girl, page three. It uh mostly about Pierce but listen to that last paragraph.
Annie: The incident occurred during a protest regarding events in Guatamala. Awareness!
Shirley: And this isn't the school paper by the way, this is a real damn paper. There's a marmaduke in there.
Britta: Well, it's more than I ever accomplished.
Annie: Did you guys know about the ethnic cleansing in Burma?
Shirley: We need to bust out that brownie mix.
Britta: Morning. Oh no I get it, Garfield's wishing me a happy arbor day and you'd like a fresh start.
Jeff: Nice try. It's actually secretary's day and it says that I am sorry about crashing your protest but that drunken self emulating baby boomer.
Shirley: We don't blame you sweetie. Pierce has always been on my watch list.
Troy: That dude is crazy. He told me girls have 2 pee holes.
Annie: I sang Christmas carols at a nursing home once. I've seen the face of dementia and last night. I saw it again.
Jeff: You know what he did that's really crazy. He offered me $100 to switch cards with him, just so he could be partners with Jeff. I think he thought getting closer to Jeff would bring him respect in the group. I think he spent his whole life looking out for himself, and he would trade it all for a shot of some kind of family.
Señor Chang: Hola class. All right, time for our presentations. First up was supposed to be Jeff and Pierce, but Pierce explained the situation to me. Apparently there was a falling out. Things were said. People were betrayed. Jeff, having heard Pierce's side of the story, I think the only humane thing to do would be to give you a C and let Pierce to his presentation alone. If that sounds fair to you.
Jeff: That doesn't sound fair to me at all. Pierce I understand if you don't want to be my friend. But this thing that we've created, it is bigger than the both of us and it deserves to be done right.
Señor Chang: Okay um guys, why are there costumes involved? These are short conversations. They're not supposed to take-
Jeff: Your breathe away. Well tough. You ready amigo?
Señor Chang: F, F minus.
Pierce: What? Did you say S?
Britta: So… that was one of the worst things I have ever seen. Which, I guess makes being a part of it a pretty selfless act. So I'm impressed.
Jeff: Well how do you know I didn't do it just to get another shot at you?
Britta: Cause a smart guy like you would know that no woman in that class would be able to look at you as a sexually viable candidate ever again.
Jeff: No I know. I thought of that. She looked back.
Pierce: You did an alright job up there my friend.
Jeff: Thanks Pierce.
Pierce: A couple of notes. You got this thing you do with your face when your trying to be funny that forces people to think how cool you think you are. It's pretty distracting.
Troy: Donde esta la biblioteca? Me llamo T-Bone la arana discoteca.
Abed: Discoteca, muneca, la biblioteca. Es bigote grande, pero, manteca.
Troy: Manteca, bigote, gigante, pequeno, cabeza is nieve, cervesa es bueno.
Abed: Buenos dias, me gusta papas frias, bigote de la cabra, es Cameron Diaz. Yeah boy, boy.
Abed: What. It's 2009.