Season 1 - Episode 3
"Introduction to Film"
Written by Dan Harmon
Directed by Anthony Russo
Original Air Date: 10/1/2009
Transcribed by Stephanie H.
Jeff: Hey, man. My name is Jeff. I'm trying to lock down the rest of my schedule before the deadline. I heard this class was a cakewalk. Are you passing it? ...Do you like Dane Cook?
Classmate: Yeah, he's awesome!
Jeff: So far, so good.
Professor Whitman: Death! So called. Is a thing that makes men weep. And yet, a third of life is spent in sleep- Open your textbooks to page thirty-seven. Now, close them, and throw them away. Throw 'em away! HAHAHAHAA! Throw it away! To those of you who are new, the motto of this class: Carpe Diem, Seize The Day! No tests, no papers, you want an A? Live in… the moment.
Professor Whitman: Take off your shoes. Quick, take off your shoes. Everyone, take your shoes off, throw them away, throw them across the room, over there. Today, we learn to walk! Get up and walk out the door! This day could be your last! You could die in your sleep. You could get hit by a bus. You, that mole is raised and dark, it's not a good combo. You are new.
Jeff: Yes, I'm new, but I'll be old too soon. Carpe Diem, sir. Carpe Diem!
Professor Whitman: Hahaha, I LIKE it!
Pierce: Voice Command. [phone beeps] Voice Command. [phone beeps] Voice Command. [phone beeps] Voice Command. [phone beeps] Voice Command. [phone beeps and Pierce clears throat] Voice Com- [Britta slams hands on table]
Britta: Would you please use the buttons?
Pierce: Okay, Grandpa. [Troy sneezes]
Shirley: Oh! God bless you, dear. [Shirley and Annie giggle]
Troy: What's so funny?
Jeff: You guys, I found it. The ultimate blow-off class. Professor Whitman, he thinks he's in Dead Poets Society. There's no tests, there's no work, it's just day-seizing.
Jeff: The deadline to enroll is tomorrow. I suggest you all do it.
Annie: Well, some of us are here to actually learn things.
Troy: I'm in.
Annie: Me too, it sounds educational!
Shirley: I'll do it, I love Robin Williams.
Abed: I'm not a fan. In every movie there's an authority figure that gets mad at him for making people laugh.
Jeff: No, are you gonna take the class?
Abed: Oh, can't. My dad will only pay for classes that will help me run the family restaurant. It's been struggling since 2001. 9/11 was pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel business.
Britta: So your dad has your whole life planned out for you? Are you even interested in falafel?
Abed: I'm interested in making movies. But my dad says all media is Western propaganda that negatively stereotypes Arabs.
Troy: Then he should see Aladdin, Jafar was a badass.
Shirley: Yes, he was.
Abed: Yeah, he was.
Britta: How much does a film class cost?
Abed: Seventy dollars. [Britta gets her wallet from her purse]
Shirley: I-isnt Abed's dad a hardcore Muslim? They're not as understanding as Christians. You could get your head cut off with a salami sword.
Annie: Shirley! That's the most racist thing I've ever heard!
Shirley: Is that racist?
Jeff: Pierce will beat that in one minute. [Britta hands Abed a cheque]
Abed: This is really nice of you! The memo says, 'For Dreams.'
Shirley and Annie: Aww!
Jeff: You guys. Are we going to study Spanish, or keep getting involved in each other's personal lives? [Troy sneezes] Hey, Troy sneezes like a girl!
Troy: And how about I pound you like a boy? That didn't come out right.
Shirley: Why don't you all just leave him alone with his cute little baby sneezes?
Troy: You're not my mother!
Pierce: She's not?
Jeff: Twenty-nine seconds.
Professor Whitman: What's your name?
Shirley: My name is Shirley Bennett.
Professor Whitman: Shirley, you get an A.
Professor Whitman: If you can tell me why you are here at Greendale.
Jeff: [to Troy] What'd I tell ya? [Troy offers his fist] Okay, but, uh, never again.
Professor Whitman: Shirley?
Shirley: To get a degree in business so I can sell my baked goods and whatnot on the Internet.
Professor Whitman: Why are you here?
Shirley: To get a degree in business so I can sell my baked goods and whatnot on the Internet?
Professor Whitman: WHY ARE YOU HERE?
Shirley: Because I wasted fifteen years of my life with a man who left me with nothing but stretchmarks and a memory of two bland orgasms and now it's time to get what's mine!
Professor Whitman: Day seized. [applause] Only when we stop stopping our lives can we begin to start starting them! Ms. Edison here, for example, would rather write about what happens to other people than live what is happening to her!
Annie: I thought there might be a quiz.
Professor Whitman: Well, here's a quiz for you: why did the pretty young girl die alone, surrounded by sweater-wearing cats who are trained to use human toilets? Get up on your desk. Come on, stand on your desk. Up on your desk! She made it, haha! Everyone, stand on your desks! Up, up, up, up, up, come on! Rise, rise, rise above the programming. All your lives you were told 'don't stand on your desks,' well, why not? [a girl falls off her desk]
Shirley: Oh, my!
Professor Whitman: She's… okay, go to the nurse. Seize the day.
Pierce: [to Shirley] You know, I was, uh, very moved by your honesty earlier. Particularly the part about, uh, your husband not being…
Professor Whitman: Your homework, ah! I want you to swim in a lake, and tell ten people that you love them. Mr. Winger, can I have a word, please? Hi, Mr. Winger, I like to think that every life that passes through this class is changed. But every year there's always one cocky opportunist, who's just here to coast and grab an easy A.
Jeff: Oh, yeah. His name is Pierce, I-I can talk to him for-
Professor Whitman: It's actually you, Mr. Winger. You have no intention of seizing the day.
Jeff: What? Listen, I-I have never lived until I met you. I-I love you. Oh- there's one down, nine to go! Not that I need the grade, or even want it!
Professor Whitman: Well, glad to hear it, because if you don't genuinely seize the day before the end of the week, then you will be seizing an F, for the semester.
Jeff: You- This is no way to teach accounting!
Jeff: I have to plan, in advance, how to prove that I live in the moment. I mean, I'd rather take an actual class, but now it's too late to drop or add.
Britta: It is not fair how hard it is for you to cheat here. [To Abed] Hey, how's it going? How's your film class, buddy?
Abed: It's cool. Our first assignment is a documentary. They're like real movies with ugly people. I'm learning a lot.
Britta: That is so wonderful. Some people don't like getting involved in others' lives, I think it's great.
Jeff: Hey, if you're making a documentary about Britta patting herself on the back, you're going to need a back-up battery.
Abed: Actually, I'm doing a movie about my dad.
Britta: That is brilliant. How did he react to you signing up for the film class?
Abed: That part hasn't happened yet. Here he comes.
Mr. Nadir: HEY. You want to get involved in my family's business?
Jeff: Holy war.
Mr. Nadir: Where do I find Mr. Britta?
Britta: I'm Mr. Britta. That's right, I'm a woman with rights, and you can see my whole face.
Mr. Nadir: Ohh, I get it, because I'm Arab, I must hate women! Let me tell you something. I love women, but I'm getting a major b-word vibe from you.
Jeff: Wow, I can't believe I missed out on getting involved in this!
Mr. Nadir: You, go host American Idol. And you, stop messing with my son, he's a special boy. I raise him, okay? You don't raise him!
Britta: Raising him means letting him follow his dreams!
Mr. Nadir: Dreams are for sleeping.
Britta: You don't know that!
Mr. Nadir: It's clinically proven!
Britta: So is Polio!
Mr. Nadir: You lost me!
Britta: Abed wants to study film. [Mr. Nadir speaks Arabic] Wait, what is he saying?
Abed: He says we're leaving.
Britta: Tell him that you wanna stay and study film!
Abed: I don't think I'm really in this scene.
Mr. Nadir: See, it was hard enough to talk to him before, now we have this between us! Lets go.
Mr. Nadir: You! Don't touch me!
Jeff: Stop it, stop, back up. Sir? You have a right to your faith and your family's privacy, but Abed is an adult, and a U.S. citizen. [Jeff turns to Abed] Right?
Jeff: And he has the right to stay.
Mr. Nadir: Fine! You want to raise him? You raise him. I'm out!
Jeff: Wait, what?
Britta: You know, I had a father like you. And the day I finally cut myself loose is the day I finally started being happy!
Jeff: Well, that went well.
Abed: I have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.
Jeff: I don't wanna be your father.
Abed: That's perfect, you already know your lines.
Britta: Why are you dressed like an 80's rapist?
Jeff: Professor Whitman comes by here every morning and I need him to see me celebrating life. What's all that?
Britta: I am calculating Abed's expenses for this semester. You know, there's books, there's meals, he's renting that camera, and you know, he needs a little spending money.
Jeff: Um, all money is spending money.
Shirley: Uh, Britta? Um, it's amazing what you're doing for Abed, I mean, a lot of people talk a good game, but you? You follow through. I love you.
Britta: Shirley, thank you! [to Jeff] Bet that doesn't happen to you a lot.
Jeff: It happened yesterday. Shirley's just doing her homework.
Shirley: Hilary, thank you for giving people coffee. I love you.
Britta: Abed! How's it going, buddy?
Abed: Good, my film is coming together. Cool tie, Jeff, are you wearing that because you're playing the role of my dad, or is it really Christmas?
Jeff: Definitely Christmas.
Britta: Is that a new camera?
Abed: Yeah, it's more expensive, but it lets me adjust really specific settings that most people don't notice or think about. Hi, I would like a latte, and, Jeff, let me get you something.
Jeff: I'm okay.
Abed: Oh, come on, I gotcha.
Jeff: No, really, I-I don't need anything.
Abed: No really, you're insulting me, look at all this cash.
Jeff: I will get a small, black coffee.
Professor Whitman: Boo! An ordinary coffee for an ordinary life.
Jeff: Gooood morning, Professor Whitman!
Professor Whitman: Sorry, Mr. Winger, these won't cut it.
Professor Whitman: I shall have… A birthday cake!
Pierce: [Troy sneezes and the room laughs at him] I've seen men in your situation, Troy. [Troy reaches for a soda can] No, those are both for me. You were on top of the world before, and now no-one gives a rat's ass. I can help you with your image. First, I'd lose the jacket, you look like a high school bitch. But more importantly, it's your sneeze. When I was a CEO, I had an array of masculine sneezes that asserted dominance. You know, like the explosive 'shock the room into silence' sneeze, the… [sneezes and room goes silent] Or, the 'draw them all in' sneeze, you know… Then maybe I wouldn't sneeze, because I'm in control. You can even use a sneeze to drive home a point. Like, I think, I think the Cubs are gonna win it all this year. …What d'you think?
Troy: Tell me more.
Jeff: It's showtime. [runs from the bushes with a kite] Hey, everybody, good morning! Good morning, sir! Good morning, Greendale! Hi! Good morning! Watch the kite, uh-oh! Mind if I get a chance? [joins in jump-rope] Woah!
Mr. Nadir: Go, mister! Go, mister! Go, mister!
Jeff: Hahahahaha, thank you, guys! Bring it in here, nice. Thank you so much, you guys, that was really fun.
Professor Whitman: Sloppy. And considering the age of these girls, unwittingly creepy.
Jeff: Dammit. Beat it. Professor, will you look at the amount of work that I'm putting into this? I mean, throw me a bone!
Professor Whitman: Had I not already cried at the sunrise this morning, I would be weeping right now.
Jeff: What does that mean?!
Professor Whitman: What do you mean, Jeff? What does your life mean? How long does it take you in the morning to, to make it look like you have bed-head? How many sweatpants-sports jacket combos did you try before you found the one that said, 'I don't care?' Seize the day, Jeff. For real. Go running naked in a hail storm, kiss a girl in the middle of the day. Fly a kite, but do it for yourself. Or you won't just fail my class. You'll fail life. [hands Britta a flower]
Britta: Thank you. That guy's really got your number.
Jeff: Drop the flower.
Britta: Okay, I really need to talk to you about Abed. I went by his film class today, he wasn't there. He's cutting. I wanna know why he would do something like that.
Jeff: Ask him!
Britta: Every time I try to ask him about it, he just keeps filming me, and, and telling me that I'm playing the role of his mother.
Jeff: Abed is not normal! That's what you bought when you intentionally tangled yourself in his life.
Britta: Look, will you just- will you please talk to him?
Jeff: I've got problems of my own! I'm out here trying to seize a day. [notices Abed filming them] What in the hell? Is he gonna kill us?
Troy: Thanks for the pizza, Abed. I was starving.
Shirley: Yeah, it's nice, like a, like a picnic.
Pierce: Or a family dinner.
Jeff: It's a study group and a pizza, let's not get carried away. [Britta clears throat] So, Abed. How's film class?
Jeff: Yeah? Did you go to class today?
Abed: Not really.
Jeff: Not really. Well, Britta's paying for those classes, don't you think maybe you should go?
Abed: I was shooting my movie.
Britta: Yeah, but your movie is for class!
Abed: My movie is more important.
Britta: Well, la la.
Mr. Nadir: Someone order seven lattes?
Abed: I got that.
Britta: No, you don't got it. I got it, Abed. I got everything. What is wrong with you? All I wanna do is take care of you! I know you're not stupid. Are you doing this on purpose? …Why won't you answer me?!
Abed: Because this is the scene where you leave.
Britta: You better believe it.
Abed: What d'you think, dad?
Jeff: I think you are really weird, Abed. And I think the wrong person just left.
Abed: Perfect, that's a wrap.
Mr. Nadir: That guy was your dad?
Britta: Hey. You don't really have tickets for Ravi Shankar, do you?
Jeff: I lied to get you here, because it's time to communicate.
Britta: Communicate? Have you met Abed?
Jeff: It's not the two of you that need to talk.
Mr. Nadir: Hey, wait a minute. Where's Weezer?
Jeff: They're coming. Alright, now. The only reason why this whole mess got started is because both of you wanted the best for Abed. And I think the lesson we can all take away from this is that everyone should always do whatever they want, and leave each other out of it.
Mr. Nadir: Is that your take? Let me give you mine. You and your pillow-lipped girlfriend got all up in my stuff because you wanted to be cowboys, and then you turned chicken when you found out it would take more than speeches and guided missiles!
Jeff: Interesting, I hadn't seen the Iraq metaphor, but-
Mr. Nadir: What Iraq metaphor? I am talking about your speeches, and her guided-
Jeff: Got it! The point is, is that Britta is sorry, right?
Britta: Abed may not be a great filmmaker, but that doesn't mean he wants to make falafel. You need to let him make his own decisions.
Mr. Nadir: Make his own decisions? Have you met Abed? Do you know who he is?
Britta: Obviously, yes!
Abed: Guys, I'm finished! Britta, Jeff, Dad. Dad. [movie plays]
Jeff: Well, it's not exactly Citizen Kane… [Mr. Nadir is crying]
Mr. Nadir: [in Arabic] I never said I blamed you for her leaving.
Abed: [in Arabic] You never had to say it.
Britta: I feel a little out of the loop, here.
Jeff: That feeling is called 'the joy of freedom.'
Mr. Nadir: My son is hard to understand. If making movies helps him be understood, then I'll pay for the class.
Britta: [mouths] I made this all happen.
Mr. Nadir: With falafel as a fallback.
Britta: Did you do all of that to me on purpose? That's not a very nice way to treat your fiends.
Abed: Well, Britta, it isn't called friendbusiness. It's called showbusiness.
Britta: He's smoking!
Jeff: Honey, let him leave the nest.
Britta: Get your hand off of my knee.
Shirley: [Troy sneezes] God- God bless you! God bless you!
Troy: Thank you.
Britta: For someone who doesn't like getting involved, well, we owe you.
Jeff: You owe me. That cannot be comfortable for you.
Britta: Hey, um. You should kiss me right now. [Jeff kisses Britta]
Professor Whitman: Day seized!
Britta: We're even.
Professor Whitman: A+, Winger! I know a life-changing kiss when I see one. Wowee!
Jeff: Yeah! Fooled you!
Abed: Am I krumping?
Abed: Am I krumping?
Abed: Am I krumping?
Abed: Am I krumping now?
Troy: NO. THIS is krumping. [they dance until they notice Jeff at the door] …we're- we're krumping.
Jeff: No, you're not. HIT IT.