Season 1 - Episode 4
Written by Liz Cackowski
Directed by Anthony Russo
Original Air Date: 10/8/2009
Transcribed by Priscilla T.
Señor Chang: Before we wrap up, I would like to thank you guys for filling out these anonymous evaluation cards. I found your feedback to be largely constructive and flattering, so gracias Abed.
Abed: De nada.
Señor Chang: You don't have to sign your name anymore.
Abed: Got it.
Señor Chang: But there was one evaluation that was so harsh and hurtful and racist that I took the time personally to analyze that handwriting against past exams. And this particular coward dots her is with tiny, itty-bitty, little circles. Boop. Boop. Tcch! Isn't that precious and cute? Who's "erratic and unstable" now, Princess gringa? [Kisses Annie on forehead]
Shirley: Nice day out today, isn't it?
Jeff: Yeah. Shoot!
Britta: You forget something?
Jeff: Yeah. I forgot to stagger the timing of my exit with Shirley's. We both have a class across campus, and I can't go that kind of distance with [imitating Shirley] "ooh, that's nice."
Britta: That's mean.
Jeff: No. [imitating Shirley] that's not nice.
Britta: I find Shirley very easy to talk to, and besides, aren't you supposed to have, like, an olympic gold medal in jibber-Jabber?
Jeff: Yeah, but i'm a sprinter. I'm at my best during high-speed bursts of wit. On a shirley walk, i'd be winded by that stoner tree.
Vaughn: Hey, Britta, hi. What's up?
Britta: Hey, Vaughn, how's it going?
Vaughn: No worries.
Jeff: Interesting. 'Cause I might be worried If I was playing hacky sack a decade too late.
Britta: My class is that way.
Jeff: All right, but I just want to point out that we easily walked more than 100 yards with no awkward pauses, and that is the sign of a true friend so
Britta: I'm really glad that you're not hitting on me anymore.
Jeff: There's the awkward pause. [Vaughn falls] Huhh--Aah! Aw!
Annie: Excuse me. [pushing through crowd] Oh, sorry, ladies. Professor duncan! Professor duncan! Oh, sorry.
Annie: Annie Edison. I'm in your 101 lecture.
Annie: I've heard about your special psych lab.
Duncan: Ah.The duncan principle.
Annie: Yes. And I know it's limited to second-year students, but I had a 4.0 at riverside high, And i'm not looking down on this school at all, but i'm only here because of a brief addiction to pills that I was told would help me focus, but they actually made me lose my scholarship and virginity.
Duncan: So-- - Right.
Annie: If you would let me take your lab early, It would be a real feather in my transcript.
Duncan: Okay, i've actually been in this situation many times, So i'm just going to be up front. I'm not allowed to date students.
Duncan: Even though you're an eight.
Duncan: Which is a british ten, So I'm angry.
Duncan: But if, in spite of that, you are still interested, then you may join the lab.
Duncan: Ah! Okay. You need to bring two human subjects. And it would not hurt your chances one bit If you could lend me a fiver. I seem to have left my purse in my duffle and my duffle in the boot of my lorry, so--
Vaughn: I asked politely, and then panda took his pants off.
Britta: [Laughs] I never even knew that's what asexual meant.
Pierce: I wonder what this express package could be? Somebody had to get something to me very fast.
Shirley: You brought your mail to campus?
Pierce: Oh, yes. My ear-Noculars.
Troy: What is that? It looks like your bluetooth thingie.
Pierce: No, no, no, no, no. This is my cell phone headset. And this is ear-Noculars. It's for spies and whatnot. It gives you sonic hearing.
Abed: All hearing is sonic.
Pierce: What's that?
Annie: So who wants to be in a psych experiment?
Pierce: Hey, guys, guys, guys? Annie is talking about some kind of experiment.
Jeff: She's behind you. [to Annie] Not interested.
Annie: Please? You get paid.
Troy: Do they do stuff to your butt?
Troy: Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
Troy: That's fine. I'll do it. I'm in.
Annie: Yay! How about you, abed? It's tomorrow.
Abed: Oof, tomorrow? They're showing all four Indiana Joneses at the vista. I'm really looking forward to the first three. I bought a whip.
Annie: This is really important to me, Abed.Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend?
Abed: Wow, I didn't realize we were really good friends. I figured we were more like Chandler and Phoebe.They never really had stories together. Sure, i'll do it, Chandler.
Annie: Oh, thank you, abed.
Jeff: I'm gonna go save britta from that dude.
Shirley: Yeah, she looks like she's in trouble. Hope he doesn't try to "handsome" her to death.
Vaughn: And panda has no pants. [Britta laughs]
Vaughn: Hey, hi, what's up, man? I'm Vaughn.
Jeff: You in line?
Vaughn: Oh, no, no, no. We're just, uh, we're just chillin'. Hey, you're not gonna order coffee?
Jeff: Oh, no, I was just gonna see if Britta--
Vaughn: Hey, no judgment, bro. I used to do coffee.Then I made the switch to green tea. It's, like--It's, like, Filled with these antioxidants and stuff.
Vaughn: It's pretty tight.
Jeff: Tight. Yes. I've heard that about green tea.
Britta: I like green tea. I should make the change.
Vaughn: Up top, sugar bear. [ Britta and Vaughn high five]
Jeff: Yeah, give me some of that. [ Jeff and Vaughn high five]
Vaughn: There it is.
Jeff: Small coffee, please.
Pierce: [listening with ear-noculars] Britta's making the change to green tea.
Abed/Shirley/Troy: Oh, that's good.
Abed: It's good for your skin.
Duncan: Welcome, research assistants. [Annie applauds] If you turn your attention to the monitor, You will see that our subjects Are waiting for the experiment to begin, but It's actually happening right now. [Class gasps] Wow. You see, the waiting is the experiment. The duncan principle is simple. Namely, that the more control lost by the-- Yeah, i'm gonna write this down too, actually. That's a good point. The more control lost by the ego, the more gained by the id, resulting in a surprisingly predictable emotional eruption or breaking point, known to ma and pa as a good old-fashioned tantrum. [Laughter] Oh. Annie, why don't you, uh, go and tell our subjects that we're going to be starting the experiment In five minutes, okay? And Annie It's never actually going to start.
Garrett: Ha ha ha.
Duncan: Let's do this. [Door closes]
Annie: Hi, everyone. Hi, troy. Hi, abed.
Annie: Hi, senor chang.
Señor Chang: What, a community college spanish teacher can't use 80 bucks?
Annie: Well, we're just running a little bit behind, so we'll probably start in about five minutes.
Señor Chang: No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! [jumps up and down] It's unacceptable, all right? You lied to me! When you say something starts at 9:00, It starts at nueve! No! No!
Duncan: Houston, we have an idiot.
[Shirley following Jeff after class]
Shirley: Did you know we walk the same way after class? I'm sure you didn't or else we would've been walking together, unless you're a jerk. Just kidding.
Jeff: Let's do it.
Shirley: Mm-Hmm. Don't go too fast for these dogs. Short legs.
Shirley: So how do you like--
Jeff: So you've got a kid, right?
Shirley: What's that?
Shirley: So Pierce isn't exactly right in the head, is he?
Jeff: I know a lot of grown men with radar dishes coming out of their ears.
Shirley: [Laughs] he's like inspector gadget.
Jeff: Yeah, go, go, gadget incontinence.
Shirley: And how about that guy that's always around, flirting with Britta?
Jeff: I know! He's the worst! Vaughn?
Shirley: I know, and what is it with his hair?
Jeff: It's perpetually moist.
Duncan: Okay, we're three hours in, so let's review what we've seen. And pay close attention to every subject's breaking point. We've got a shouter. [watching monitor]
Duncan:That one's a stomper. Bye, hippie.There's a generic whack job, bouncing up and down like a six-foot child.Shaking.Write that down.Visible shakes. Look at the little one chase the big one.Look at him go.I'm gonna make him go quicker.It's like benny hill looks. Whoo, ooh, ooh, get him.Come back again. Whoo, ooh, ooh, get him.All right? There's a bit of fun.It lightens the mood.And back to the present.And then there were two. Break. Break. Break.
[Troy leaning back and forth in chair about to break]
Troy: No, no, no! Annie! What is going on in there? Why--? What is taking so long? I've wasted all day here for you. The soul train awards were tonight. You promised butt stuff! [crying and dragging himself out]
Duncan: And he's out. We got him. [Laughs] strike three.You're gone.
Troy: There's so much dust in here.
Duncan: Do you know what? The longer they wait, the harder they break. Buckle up, students.
[Jeff and Shirley laughing]
Shirley: Do you see how often hacky sack takes his shirt off? He'd play shirts and skins in a game of checkers.
Jeff: I'm so glad to be able to talk to someone about this. I wanted to say something to Britta about it, but we're supposed to be friends now, and she'd think I was jealous.
Shirley: I don't see why you and Britta aren't together. Two cute white people, going to school together, just seems right.
Jeff: Shirley, we're not pandas in a zoo.
Shirley: [Laughs] Oh, oh dear. [Britta and Vaughn kissing]
Jeff: That is not what I want to see.
Shirley: There goes the shirt.
[Jeff hitting vending machine]
Jeff: Hey, i'm fine. How are-- Want me to, uh, Want me to check you for grass stains?
Britta: I wasn't sure how or when to bring up That I was hanging out with Vaughn. I figured that you'd make fun of him and me.
Jeff: Uh, first of all, friends do not make fun of each other, even if they're being tackled in the quad by a hippie, and secondly, Vaughn seems cool.
Britta: Well, you guys should hang out sometime.I gotta go. I--Uh, that was tacky out there. You won't ever see that again.
Jeff: Oh, no worries, brah.
Jeff: Shirley, did you see senor chang's socks today? Tiny bullfighters. [Both laugh]
Shirley: I can top that. Did you see that hacky sack wears an anklet? [Laughs] Since when won't you talk about Vaughn?
Jeff: Look, i'm trying to be a good friend to Britta. She thought I was gonna make fun of him, But I want to be unpredictable. I'm gonna show her that I am not the jerk she thinks I am And friend the hell out of that green-tea-drinking drum circler.
Shirley: Okay, but tell me you've noticed how small his nipples are.
Jeff: Not engaging.
Shirley: What? It's not gossip when it's fact. My kids have got hamsters with bigger nips.
Jeff: [running away] No!
Shirley: Oh, well.
Duncan: Is it on pause?
Annie: No, that's just him. [opens door] Sorry you've been waiting twenty six hours, it's just gonna be another five minutes.
Duncan: Oh, my Why won't he leave?
Garrett: I'm sorry, but this guy's not moving. I have classes to go to.
Duncan: Go! Fine! Go kill john lennon again, you loser. He's ruined my study! He has--He has warped the duncan principle. Damn you, you outlying piece of data! [Bangs monitor] ow! Aah! It's you! It's your fault!
Annie: But you told me to bring subjects.
Duncan: Yeah, subjects! Not rain man! I should never have let you into this lab, Miss annie fanny panties in a bunch!
Annie: Oh! Oh, that's so hilarious! Did you think of that the last time you skipped a trip to the dentist?
Duncan: Oh, let me answer that question with another question. [Blows raspberry] It's not--It's not fair! It's not fair! Why, why, why? What are you doing? Put your-- Stop writing! Put your pen-- Give me that! Get out! Get out, you dorks! Get out! You have destroyed the duncan principle! [everybody leaves]
Annie: Go home!
Abed: Cool. See ya.
Jeff: So britta said that you did a lot of community service.
Vaughn: Ultimate frisbee at the senior's center. It is amazing.
Jeff: And what makes frisbee ultimate?
Vaughn: Aw, man, if I had a nickel For every time I wished somebody asked me that.
Britta: I'm gonna get dessert. Want anything?
Jeff: Oh, i'm good.
Shirley: Hey, you two.
Shirley: Well, that's a cool shirt.
Vaughn: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Shirley: [laughs] Where's it from?
Vaughn: Oh, uh, I don't even know. I guess it's-- Well, uh-- Hey, look at that. "Hanes classic."
Shirley: Oh, that's nice.
Vaughn: You know, people underestimate the elderly, You know, but you see these guys out there And they're throwing the bee And they're just loving life. It's just inspiring. [Shirley mocking Vaughn behind him]
Jeff: You know, i'm gonna really-- I'm gonna think about it.
Vaughn: All right. I'm gonna go check on Britts. See ya.
Shirley: See ya.
Jeff: You are the devil.
Shirley: I know.
Jeff: Donde Vaughn ustedes los sábados?
Britta: Domingo, pl-- Oh, okay, i--
Jeff: Where do we go on saturdays? You said sunday.
Britta: I have a question for you. You like Vaughn, right?
Jeff: Oh, he--He's very cute.
Britta: I'm just worried That he's thinking a little bit more intensely about this thing than I am. He says stuff, you know, after
Jeff: Dinner mints?
Jeff: Not having sex?
Jeff: How was that?
Britta: What? Forget that. The problem right now is that he's calling me "babe." He's trying to hold my hand. It's getting a little relationship-y. And he gave me something.
Britta: No. This.
Jeff: A poem?
Britta: How do I respond to something like that? "Thank you"?
Jeff: Well, it's a very good question. And it's one I will answer. Uh-- Ooh, i'm getting a text. I'm just gonna read it, if you don't mind. [taking a photo of poem] I am reading it, and it is read.
Jeff: "Did you ever notice where the ocean meets the sky, did ya? It's the same wizard blue that I see in your eye, brit-ta."
Shirley: Oh, no, no. "Wizard blue"? [Laughs]
Shirley: Thank you so much. You just brightened my day. I'm so glad we can rip on that dude again.
Jeff: Look at this, look at this. That is the stain of a teardrop over the word "rad."
Shirley: Oh, he said "rad"? I thought he said "bad." Oh, that makes it worse. [Laughs, Pierce listens with ear-noculars behind them] I'm surprised he can read.
Jeff: You know?
Shirley: I know.
Troy: Hey, sorry about bailing on the psych experiment.
Annie: That was the experiment, Troy. We were testing to see how long people would wait in the room.
Abed: Oh, gotcha.
Annie: "Gotcha"? That's all you have to say?
Annie: You sat in a room for 26 straight hours. Didn't that bother you?
Abed: Yeah, I was livid.
Annie: Then why didn't you leave?
Abed: Because you asked me to stay and you said we were friends.
Troy: Wait. Is this still part of the experiment?
Jeff: He's more like a puppy with a fish mouth.
Shirley: Right, right. It's more like this. [Laughter]
Pierce: That's right. Laugh it up. You guys want to know what they're doing?
Pierce: Making fun of all of us.I heard you with my own ear...noculars.
Jeff: Pierce, we are not making fun of you.
Pierce: Uh-Huh.Calling me "hacky sack" And ripping my--my six pack abs and my moist hair. And that face you made? Well, I think it's pretty obviously Annie.
Troy: Okay, this is definitely still part of the experiment.
Shirley: Pierce, we were not making fun of you.
Jeff:Yeah. We're making fun britta's boyfriend, Vaughn.
Pierce: Oh, good. Well, in that case. But if we're gonna do something, let's do it as a team.I'll get the ball rolling.Maybe he has a tiny penis.
Troy: Who is this guy?
Shirley: You all have got to see him. Everything's all, "no worries, no worries." And he always says hello three times in a row. Hello, good evening, how are you? And--Here, look! He wrote a poem!
Abed: Can I read it?
Jeff: We shouldn't show that.
Shirley: Oh, no, it's fine.
Britta: So i'll be done in, like, an hour.
Vaughn: Yeah. No worries.
Troy: He just said it!
Britta: Guys, you've met Vaughn, right?
Vaughn: Hey. What's up? Hi.
Pierce: What a fool.
Vaughn: This troop's got a case of the giggles, huh? Is that--? Did you give them my poem?
Vaughn: Okay, well, Why is the dinosaur rocking a picture of my poem?
Pierce: Here, read it.
Vaughn: Oh, you guys are-- Right? You guys are laughing at me, aren't you?
Vaughn: That's uh, wow. This is the least tight thing that's ever happened to me.
Britta: I can't believe you.
Shirley: Honestly, jeff, how dare you?
Pierce: I can hear him outside, he's crying. Now he's barking.
Shirley: Jeff, wait! I'm sorry I sold you out.
Jeff: Britta is never gonna forgive me. I can't believe I showed you that poem. Oh, my god, my life is degrassI high.
Shirley: Oh, jeff. I have a gossip problem. I stir the pot, Jeff. I'm a pot stirrer. This isn't even the only study group i've had this year.You see those ladies over there? I used to be in their group till they kicked me out. They call me "tattle-Ina." It's a bumblebee nickname. It's--It's cute, but it stings.
Jeff: Hey, look at the size of that woman's earrings.It's like little dogs should be jumping through them.
Shirley: Mmmmmmm! - [Laughs] - This is never going to work.
Jeff: Look at them.
Shirley: This has to end. Mm-Mm, mm-Mm.
Jeff: Shirley, don't do this. Look, we can still hang out. It's just, you know, we won't bag on people.
Shirley: Come on, jeff. What are we gonna talk about? My kids? Your--Your doctor career?
Jeff: I was a lawyer.
Shirley: See? I'm already bored.
Jeff: [Sighs] Well, we'll always have "tiny nipples."
Shirley: [Laughs] they were tiny.
Shirley: Okay. Jeff, wait. Wait. I know I shouldn't do this, But one last little piece of gossip. Britta told me she had a sex dream about you. You still have a chance. [Squeals] mm-Hmm. Mm-Mm.
Shirley: Mmmmmm! Mm-Mmm.
Annie: Abed, here. I wanted to say sorry for yelling at you.
Abed: Indiana jones. Cool.
Annie: I just got the first three because-
Together: the fourth one blows.
Abed: We're cool.
Britta: I do not want to talk to you.
Jeff: No, I know, and i'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm really, really sorry, And I will go talk to Vaughn if you want me to.
Britta: Vaughn broke up with me.
Britta: You broke my trust. You suck.
Jeff: I know, and i'm sorry, But I was in a tough position. I couldn't handle just being one of the girls.
Britta: What do you want to be?
Jeff: Is there a spot on the friendship spectrum between total stranger and having to hear about the guys you date? And ideally, just a notch underneath driving you to the airport and painting your kitchen?
Britta: How about the friend level Where you sometimes have to cat-sit?
Jeff: Done. And if i'm occasionally naked in your dreams, I won't complain.
Jeff: I know. She's got a problem. She stirs the pot. She's a pot stirrer.
Vaughn: Sorry, dudes.
Student: No worries, man.
Vaughn: Yeah, some worries, man. Some worries.
* now there was a time *
* when you loved me so * * I couldn't run *
Jeff: Shirley would have said something funny about that guy.
[Shirley and Britta laugh]
Shirley: and so I told him Oh, hey--Hey, jeff. Shh shh shh shh.
Jeff: Oh, no. Pierce! Pierce, give me your ear-Thing.
Pierce: Got rid of it. You see, Jeff, there are certain things man was not meant to hear.We were designed, by whatever entity you choose, to hear what's in this range, and really, this range alone.Because you know who's talking to us in this range? The people we love.
* how you like me now? * * how you like me now? *
Jeff: He must have heard us call him inspector gadget.
Abed: [Imitates a stoner] Oh, I think it's time For burning man.
Troy: [Dorky voice] Ew, i'm saddam hussein. Ew.
Abed: [Imitates a stoner] Nice to meet you, dude.
Abed: [Imitates woman] Ooh, wow. I love reading and being a desperate housewife.
Troy: [With jamaican accent] Hey, man, coming through. I love de desperate housewives.
Troy: [Snotty guy voice] I'm Dr. Doogie Seacrest. I think i'm better than everyone else because i'm 40.
Jeff: I'm not 40. I can hear you through the window, morons.
Troy: Just pretend like you're asleep.