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Season 1 - Episode 5
"Advanced Criminal Law"
Written by Andrew Guest
Directed by Joe Russo
Original Air Date: 10/15/2009
Transcribed by Priscilla T.
Dean Pelton: Good morning, Greendale community college. This is your Dean reminding you that among your school's prestigious alumni is Mr. Luis Guzman, celebrated actor and model puerto-rican American. This Friday, we will be dedicating a statue of guzman and unveiling our brand-new school song. So boy, I don't know about you, but this sure feels like a real college to me.
CD Player: Greendale, Greendale, Greendale!
Duncan: Ah! Jeff, jeff. Good morning! How is student life, my dry-witted friend?
Jeff: Probably the same as teacher life, but less tragic, because I get to leave.
Duncan: Very dry. Very witty. Not a great friend. Listen, I wanted to ask you about that young lady in your Spanish class. You know, the blonde with the pouty, strident cate Blanchet sexuality and the ridiculous name?
Jeff: Britta?
Duncan: That's it, that's it. Imagine living with that. Can you imagine? Unbelievable. Anyway, are you two an item, and if so, would that item be impervious to sabotage?
Jeff: You know, you have the savoir faire of a hyena. How is it that you and James Bond come from the same island?
Duncan: Message received. I’ll just wait for you to finish striking out first.
Jeff: Cheers.
Abed: M.A.S.H.
Duncan: Fawlty towers. Game over. Have a nice day.
Abed: Do you think Luis Guzman will ever come to visit his statue? If so, I’d like to ask him about his movie choices, particularly Carlito's way, the cowboy way, the hard way, and q&a.
Troy: Yeah, Luis Guzman is on a private jet from hollywood, because he can't wait to have that conversation with you.
Abed: Really? How does he know about me?
Troy: Because he called me on my cell phone.
Abed: Why would a movie actor call you?
Troy: You don't know?
Abed: No.
Troy: [quietly] I’m president Obama’s nephew.
Abed: You never mentioned that.
Troy: I didn't know if I could trust you. But now it's time to tell you everything--starting with me inventing the Ferrari.
Jeff: So...I guess the cell phone number you put on the study group's contact sheet was fake, which I just learned in the awkward conclusion of a month-long text message affair with a dude from boulder.
Britta: Sorry.
Jeff: That's okay. Just give me your real number. I’ll cleanse my palate while Kevin rethinks his marriage.
Britta: I’ll give you my number if you promise not to use it in any other context than friendship.
Jeff: Uh...Pass. [bang]
Señor Chang: Silencio, por favor. Star burns that means you.
Starburns: My name's Alex, dude.
Señor Chang: Well, maybe you should spend five hours sculpting that in your face. All right, last night I graded your tests. I’m sure you wanna know how you did, right?
Class: Yes, I would
Señor Chang: Well, I’m not gonna tell you. Until I find out who did...This!
Shirley: What is that?
Señor Chang: It's a tiny piece of paper, okay? That’s all it is. Tiny piece of paper. Containing all the information covered on the test. Otherwise known as a crib sheet. Who did it, huh? Marianne? [comical voice] grandpa? Jackee? Kumar?There's one Asian stereotype that does apply to me. Whoever did this insulted my honour. And they've got 24 hours to come forward, or Mr. Miyagi here will wax off everyone's score and the whole class gets a zero! 'cept you, Toby.
Troy: The only difference between Señor Chang and Stalin is that I know who Señor Chang is.
Shirley: Did you hear him call me jackee like I’m some black female caricature? If the good lord hadn't been watching, I’d have slapped him upside the head.
Pierce: Who do you guys think cheated?
[all look at Jeff]
Jeff: Flattering. But if I’m gonna cheat, I’m not gonna write information from a book onto a piece of paper. That’s practically learning, for god's sakes. Whoever made that crib sheet wasn't a real cheater. Just...Insecure and naive.
Annie: I may be naive, but I’m not stupid.
Troy: Well, I may be stupid, but I’m not trying to look like I’m not.
Pierce: Well, I may be a genius, but I’m not a lesbian.
Britta: [scoffs]who cares who made the crib sheet? The only real cheater is the guy who's threatening everyone with a zero.
Annie: You're right! It's so unfair. And I can't handle this kind of stress right now. I’m already overwhelmed by my duties on the school song committee.
Pierce: Are you a musician?
Annie: Eew. No. I hired a local composer. But he's quite a handful.
Pierce: Well, I guess that's your fault, isn't it? It is? You've got an accomplished pianist and songwriter sitting 3 feet away from you. I wrote the jingle for Hawthorne wipe's moist towelettes. I would have done your song for free. Smooth move, Metamucil.
Abed: Troy could do the school song. Troy invented rap music, and he's related to Danny glover and president Obama.
Shirley: Abed, have you been racist this whole time while I’m telling everybody at church what a sweet little caramel angel you are?
Troy: Hey, man, that stuff I said this morning wasn't true. I was just messin' with you.
Abed: You were lying?
Troy: Yeah, as a joke. You’ve never had anybody mess with you before?
Abed: Yes. Just kidding. No. Like that? This isn't a table. Ha ha! That's funny.
Jeff: Remember when we used to study Spanish?
Annie: Pierce!
Pierce: Yo.
Annie: I talked to the Dean, and he said you can write Greendale’s school song.
Pierce: Well, that's more like it.
Annie: You know the statue dedication is this friday. So you have to have it done by then.
Pierce: This Friday? This Friday?
Annie: If that's not enough time--
Pierce: No, no, no! You really don't know much about genius, do you? Yes, I can do it by Friday.
Annie: Great! There’s a piano in the rehearsal space, and I’ll help you out however I can. You're gonna do an awesome job!
Pierce: I know!
Señor Chang: So...This is the last chance for the cheater to be an adult and face la musica...Or everyone fails.
Shirley: No!
Señor Chang: You got ten seconds...Starting now.[dramatic music]
Annie:[screaming] no! I've never... Gotten a zero before.
Britta: I did it.
Shirley: Britta!
Señor Chang: Well, you really took your sweet time with that one, baby
Britta: How dare you terrorize a class by threatening their grades. It’s not that easy to get human beings to turn on each other.
Señor Chang: Turn on her![class boos]
Britta: Ow! Real mature!
Señor Chang: That's right. We are mature! Too mature to sit in a class with a cheating, lying poop-face! Okay. Time to learn some formal greetings.
Jeff: So...Wow. Yeah, I bet you're enjoying this. Yeah, well, when we first met, like you were up here and I was here, and now...Oh, wait, I gave a quarter to a dirty bum today.
Britta: What do you think they're gonna do to me?
Dean Pelton: Well, we're not gonna buy you an ice cream. Hi. Dean Pelton. [chuckles] what an entrance I got to make there. You would be Britta Perry. I just spoke with Señor Chang, and I’m afraid Greendale takes this kinda thing very seriously.[loudly] much like a university would! Your case will be reviewed by a disciplinary tribunal tomorrow in Borchart hall. You could be facing expulsion.
Jeff: Isn't borchart hall the pool?
Dean Pelton: There is an Olympic-sized pool there, yes, but we will be next to it,[loudly] using its $6,000 judge's table!
Jeff: Uh, is she allowed to have counsel? I mean, I may not be a practicing lawyer anymore, but relative to this place, I’m Alan Dershowitz.
Dean Pelton: Oh, okay, ouch, and yes. If you'd like, you may represent her. Dean you later.
Britta: I'm not gonna sit while some hokey tribunal gets its jollies judging me.
Jeff: Hey, if you show up with me, follow my lead, and deny everything, you'll walk. That’s the Winger guarantee.
Britta: I get it. You think you're gonna save my bacon using your lawyer powers and send me into fits of grateful arousal. I can neither confirm nor deny that. See how good I am?
Abed: Hey, troy. Did you hear? All dogs are blue now. Every single dog in the world is blue. [laughs] I’m just messing with you.
Troy: Yeah, I know, but let me explain to you a few things about how this works. Uh, first of all, I cannot be got, because I am not gullible like you. Secondly, you are not good at this, because you are not believable in your face, okay? Your face? It's bad. Okay. Um, also...
Abed: [high-pitched warble]
Troy: you gotta ride the line between believable and--
Abed: [high-pitched warble, humming]
Troy: what are you writing in?
Abed: It's a notepad.
Troy: Yeah, but what are-- what language?
Abed: It's probably Arabic. [humming a tune] [warbling]
Dean Pelton: all right, I am convening this disciplinary tribunal at our state-of-the-art judge's table, which has its own built-in sound system, so take that Yale. [chuckles] our judges include myself, uh, Dean Craig Pelton.
Duncan: Professor Ian Duncan.
Señor Chang: Professor Ben Chang.
Duncan: Uh, no, you're a teacher. You're not a professor.
Señor Chang: Maybe because I don't look like Ron Weasley.
Duncan: That's the difference. That's the qualifying factor.
Jeff: Gentlemen, point of order. How can Señor Chang be one of the judges? He's the one accusing my client.
Señor Chang: Yeah, well, you got prince Charles over here, who's your drinking buddy.
Duncan: Oh, got me.
Dean Pelton: Well, it sounds like there are two biases, one on each side, and I go both ways. Oh, let's strike that. Lashonda, can we please strike that? I am impartial, so it should all work out. Okay. Let's begin.
Duncan: Fine. The tribunal calls teacher Chang.
Señor Chang: Okay, just keep it up Frost/Nixon.
Duncan: I was planning on doing that. Cleared my whole day. Uh, Mr. Chang, could you remind us of the events of yesterday? With great pleasure. It was a Tuesday, uh, crack of dawn, 5:58 am I got up, I took my morning deuce, I made a breakfast consisting of..
Pierce: * green-dale * * green-dale * * slop * * mm, nah. * green * [varying pitch] * gree--green * * Greendale isn't a slop pail * * [sighs]
Pierce: hi, almost done.
Annie: Oh, good.
Pierce: You can tell the Dean I’ll have a song that'll make the devil poop god's pants.
Annie: That's exciting. Mind if I hear what you got so far?
Pierce: Well, uh, yeah, sure. I, uh--I’ll probably open with something like this. Uh... [plays note] you know, a note like that. And end with a note like that. Uh, the words, I can't tell you. You know, the rest is really a surprise.
Annie: I'm just a little worried. I keep hearing the same two notes, and your sheet music looks like a Chinese takeout menu.
Pierce: A musician sees music in everything, Annie. I mean, it could be... * moo shoo pork * * squab with lettuce * * you see? I mean, it just comes out. You know what? You really shouldn't be here right now.
Annie: What?
Pierce: You are inside a throbbing, cosmic womb of creativity, and when this baby starts kicking, I cannot be responsible for your sanity. [laughs] I know it sounds funny, but let me play you out, okay? [cheery music] playing you out now, this song. You know, like on stage? Playing you out, okay? Thanks for coming. Bye-bye. [cheery music] [playing faster] [sighs]
Señor Chang: and then she yelled, "screw you," or, "screw education," or something like that, and then she stormed out of the room in her high-heel boots like it was tampon time... If you know what I mean.
Jeff: Objection. I don't know what he means.
Duncan: Please don't encourage him, winger. Do you have any more questions?
Jeff: The defense calls Britta Perry.
Dean Pelton: Now, are those the high-heel boots he was talking about?
Britta: Yes.
Dean Pelton: Are they comfortable?
Britta: Yeah.
Dean Pelton: I'm just curious. They're cute.
Jeff: Miss Perry... Did you make that crib sheet?
Britta: No.
Señor Chang: She confessed!
Jeff: She confessed to protect her classmates, because you were threatening to flunk everyone!
Duncan: You did what?
Señor Chang: Oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!
Duncan: Hey, British dentistry is not on trial.
Jeff: Dean Pelton, I move this case be thrown out of... The pool area!
Dean Pelton: Well, it certainly-- [sloshing] well, it certainly sounds to me that this young lady's only crime is being a hero and wanting to be taller. This tribunal is adjourned.
Britta: Wait! I cheated! And we're back.
Jeff: Objection. My client did not cheat.
Britta: Yes, I did.
Jeff: Yes, she did... But why? That's the real question, isn't it? The world wasn't the only thing that changed on September 11th.
Everyone: Oh, come on.
Jeff: Five-minute recess?
Dean Pelton: No, no. There's nothing in the bylaws about recesses, all right? The wheels of justice here don't stop just because you--aah!
Dean Pelton: Time out! Time out! Save the table! Save the table!
Abed: [high-pitched warble] beginning transmission. The primary purpose seems to be male bonding, and the attitude during conveyance of the random deceit is apparently of great importance. The humanoid is approximately 5'10" in height.
Troy: What are you doing?
Abed: Oh, hey. Troy. I didn't see you. Um, how long were you standing there?
Troy: You trying to mess with me?
Abed: Yes, that's what I was doing. You got me. I was just messing with you, but I guess I blew it again.
Troy: Yeah. You did.
Abed: [warbling]
Señor Chang: man, don't turn your back on me. Thinkin’ you’re all hoity toity
Duncan: It is on like donkey kong! Have you got a problem with me?
Señor Chang: I don't like the fact that you're walking around here like you're better than me in front of my students.
Duncan: I'm sorry. Do you mind if we have this conversation in a room with less balls? You're very confident, I’ll say that.
Señor Chang: But you shouldn't be.
Jeff: What are you doing out there?
Britta: You know I have a problem with dishonesty.
Jeff: You're on trial for cheating!
Britta: Fa--look, we'll be fine.
Jeff: I just have to go back out there and make the case that you're a good person--
Britta: you don't know that. You're just doing all of this 'cause you want to sleep with me I mean, you said it yourself. You don't even want to be my friend.
Jeff: Wait a minute. Wait, is that what you thought I meant? Britta, look at me. Look at me! I am. No, look how handsome my face is. If all I wanted was sex, I could get it from plenty of women without having to go through all this crap. I'm here because I like you, and I--I’d be psyched to be your friend. I just didn't want to take sex off the table without doing my due diligence.
Britta: I actually believe you.
Jeff: Well, why wouldn't you?
Britta: I don't know. I guess...Same reason that I cheated. I...Just have more experience being worthless. I think I left that crib sheet on the floor because I wanted to get caught. I'm so used to screwing everything up I just wanted to get it over with.
Jeff: Wait. I think we have our defense.
Jeff: Gentlemen... My client is insane.
Britta: What? [judges muttering]
Jeff: gentlemen, I’m sure you suspected... That Ms. Perry was pretty odd before the recess. But if you could've heard all the stuff she just told me in the shower, you would realize she is all the way out of her entire damn mind. She doesn't want to succeed because she doesn't think she can. So she goes out of her way to fail. That's crazy! But... Do we really want to make it a crime to be crazy at Greendale? I mean, look at us. I mean, you two are arguing about status at a college that correspondence schools make fun of. Dean, you want so bad for this place to be ivy league that you are putting us at risk of electrocution. Everyone on this campus is nuts.
Leonard: Not me!
Jeff: Oh, come on, Leonard. If you're gonna argue with me, put on a bathing suit.
Leonard: Busted. [chuckles]
Jeff: if you want to rehabilitate your fellow inmate, you need to sentence her to staying here with us. because if crazy people can't be at Greendale, where are we supposed to go? [Chang sniffles]
Duncan: Wow well uh, under the circumstances I’ll recommend that the accused be fully exonerated. On the condition that she receives psychological counselling on a weekly basis from a trained mental health professional. Thinking maybe Fridays, nine-ish, something like that. All in favor say "aye."
Dean Pelton & Señor Chang: Aye.
Jeff: Yes!
Britta: Wait, what?
Duncan: [Duncan bangs gavel] that just happened.
[electronic whirring & abed ululating]
Voice: greetings, abed.
Abed: Greetings, commander. T-t-tell me about the one they call troy. Well, he is rather arrogant and has no mercy for weaker beings.
Troy: Stop. Stop doing this right now.
Abed: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not an alien. [laughs]
Troy: I never thought you were. But this is insane, okay? Those are credible alien hand movements. You invented a whole language. I'm pretty sure you rented a green screen.
Abed: Yeah.
Troy: It would be less creepy if you were actually an alien.
Abed: This is what friends do.
Troy: No. From now on, abed, friends don't mess with each other.
[abed laughing on video]
Abed: okay? Cool.
Troy: Cool?
Abed: Cool.
Troy: Bam
Abed: bam!
Abed: Garrett, it's over. He knows.
[ululating softly]
Troy: you're getting a little sloppy.
Abed: We went over-budget.
Troy: Mm.
Pierce: I’ve got it. [playing twinkle twinkle little star melody] * Greendale, Greendale little star-* oh! [sobbing] I’m a fraud, Annie. I'm no more of a songwriter than you or billy joel.
Annie: But what about the Hawthorne wipes jingle?
Pierce: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, the haw-- you want to hear it? Here. [playing she'll be coming around the mountain melody] * you'll be wiping off that ketchup * * with our wipes, Hawthorne wipes! * * you'll be wiping off that mustard * * with our wipes at the picnic! *
Annie: that's she'll be coming around the mountain.
Pierce: I know! I steal everything. You backed the wrong horse. I got nothing.
Annie: Pierce, you're musical. You're creative. You can do this. I believe in you.
Pierce: Well, you shouldn't. I quit.
Annie: You listen up, Pierce! I'm gonna tell you what my mother told me when I wanted to quit cheerleading. You're not very pretty, you have no boobs, and you can't do a basket toss to save your life, but you made a commitment. So pick up your pompoms, Pierce, stuff your bra, and get ready for the team bus to forget you at a taco bell, because life is tough. But we soldier on, and that's just the way it goes. Gonna play myself out.
Pierce: The way it goes. That's it.
Dean Pelton: One, two, Luis Guzman! Oh! [applause] oh, oh! You know, Greendale may never be...
Britta: Just don't talk to me for a while.
Jeff: No problem. Just glad you're here.
Dean Pelton: I'd like to introduce our student, Pierce Hawthorne, who's written Greendale its own school song. Pierce, okay.
Pierce: Thank you, Dean, thank you. This song goes out to Annie. Oh. For believing in me. [pierce playing the way it is melody] * standing in the bookstore line * * waiting for the bell to chime * * so you can go to class * * dancing in your underwear * * taking air conditioner repair *
Abed: is this Bruce Hornsby?
Jeff: Yep.
Abed: Does he know he stole it?
Jeff: I don't think so. Let him enjoy it.
Abed: Can we get sued?
Jeff: Not sure.
Pierce: * Greendale’s the way it goes *
Jeff: yeah, they got us.
Pierce: * some things are still the same * * slop pails and pantyhose * * oh, Annie believes in me *
[Abed putting pencils into Troy’s mouth]
Troy: How many?
Abed: Thirty-six, you win.
Troy: Best of three?
Abed: Yeah. Ahh. Ugck.