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Season 1 - Episode 6
"Football, Feminism and You"
Written by Hilary Winston
Directed by Joe Russo
Original Air Date: 10/22/2009
Transcribed by Priscilla T.
Annie: A small fading remnant of a star.
Troy: A white dwarf.
Annie: That's right!
Troy: I used a memory technique. Dwarves hate being called midgets, and midgets are small.
Annie: And... What does a star turn into after it collapses?
Jeff: A movie of the week.
Troy: Black hole.
Annie: Right! Troy! You could be an astronomer.
Pierce: As far as Iím concerned, there's only one black hole worth studying. It's called Sagittarius a, it's located in the centre of our galaxy, and it has the density of 40 suns. Just like my weiner.
Troy: Ha ha. You said weiner. That's funny.
Abed: Pierce and troy didn't get along at first, but now they're bonding through mutual adolescence.
Pierce: Shut up, booboo head.
Troy: Will you shut up, fart head?
Dean Pelton: Hi, everybody. [chuckles] well, look at this group having some kind of meeting and being so diverse. There is just boy! There is just one of every kind of you, isn't there?
Pierce: Well, we are missing a pipsqueak, but we don't want one, so beat it.
Britta: Um, pierce, that's the dean.
Pierce: Are you kidding?
Britta: Mmmm.
Pierce: Sorry. Just my luck.
Dean Pelton: It's all right. Don't let me interrupt. Sometimes I just roll around campus like a little football. I can't believe this. Here I am in a random conversation about football, and Iím talking to troy Barnes, star quarterback from riverside high...Whoa. Troy, did you know that Greendale has a football team?
Jeff: Did you know they had a football?
Dean Pelton: Ha. That's very funny. Troy, I was so sorry to hear about your injury. But now that you have recovered, we would love for you to play for the human beings.
Shirley: The team's name is the human beings?
Dean Pelton: Yeah. My idea. It was the Greendale grizzlies, but I thought that, um... [softly] well, a lot of these students have been called animals their whole lives. Unfortunately, I don't know what to do about the mascot.
Pierce: Oh, I can help you with that, your honor. I have a wealth of experience in image management, icon development, and y2k preparedness.
Dean Pelton: Well, arenít you found money Troy, all of your friends are lining up to turn Greendale around. How about you?
Annie: Troy isn't interested in football anymore. Getting injured in that keg stand was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Dean Pelton: Whoa! Yoko ono much? Bros before hoes, troy.
Troy: [chuckles] listen, man. No offense, but I was the best, and I finished on top. I wouldn't play for this school with a 10foot pole.
Jeff: Dean, Iím sure troy will sign up for football if and when some accident damages the part of his brain that feels pride. Until then, would you excuse us?
Dean Pelton: All right, well, uh... If you change your mind, the field is always open. Oh, figuratively speaking. You know, Wednesdays and Sundays it's used as parking overflow for the mega church. Okay. [chuckles]
Jeff: now let's meet the minimum requirements for a language credit, shall we?
Shirley: Yes, but I need to go to the bathroom first. Uh, Britta?
Britta: Oh, no, I don't have to go.
Annie: I'll go with you.
Britta: What? She's offended?
Jeff: Girls go in groups. Did you learn nothing from stand-up comedy in the '90s?
Britta: I'm familiar with the concept. I'm just[stammers] fine. If it's important to Shirley, Iíll go with her next time. I'm willing to try some more mainstream feminine stuff.
Jeff: Well, then you should know that nothing says "Iím a woman" like doing it with me.
Britta: Nothing says, "Iím a pig" like you.
Abed: Will they or won't they? Sexual tension.
Jeff: Abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching.
Abed: Well, that's sort of my gimmick. But we did lean on that pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode.
Jeff: you sure you made the right call on the football team, troy? It looks like they won something once. "most valued customer. Henderson trophy cases."
Annie: so we should still study a little more astronomy later, right? Maybe over some milky wayís or some mars bars. Or pancakes!
Jeff: "Iím Jeff. And Iím a student at Greendale." that's not good.
Teacher: Wood undergoes rapid oxidation because it reacts spontaneously to [phone rings] okay, guys, seriously, we've talked about this, okay? You have got to turn off your cell that's mine. My bad.
Britta: [whispers] Iím going to the bathroom. Would you like to come with me?
Shirley: Well, yes, yes, I would. Oh, that's nice!
Teacher: Okay, what's it called? Anton hold on. Does anyone have a pen? Pen? No one has a pen. Why would you not bring a pen to class? Idiot. No, you're not an idiot.
Shirley: [loud laugh] I had my blinker on about five minutes, and this no good, clearly bald but trying to hide it with a bandana loser swooped right in. I couldn't believe it.
Britta: Maybe he didn't see you.
Shirley: He saw me!
Britta: Maybe he had his blinker on too.
Shirley: Maybe. So you... Got any family, Britta?
Britta: Yeah, whatever.
Shirley: Think my mom might visit this weekend. She and I are gonna get makeovers at that spa
Britta: makeovers. They sure have us programmed, right? [robotic voice] I am a female pleasure unit. I require a new coat of paint.
Shirley: Just something I thought might be fun.
Britta: Here's something I think might be fun. Let's find out the number of makeup companies that are owned by women. I'll save you the trouble. It's zero. But of course you're saying, "Britta, aren't you a hypocrite? "you're plastered with glitter and goo from head to toe, just like the rest of us." well, I also pay income tax and pull over for cops, but that doesn't mean I support [hand dryer whirs loudly]
Dean Pelton: thanks for offering to help design the new mascot. I, uh, have been a little stumped.
Pierce: That's no problem. By the way, I took the liberty of thumb nailing a human being prototype which I modelled after Da Vinci's Vitruvian man. The penis is a little small, I think.
Dean Pelton: Oh, I think it's oh. Okay. It...Looks a lot like you. Um, here's the thing. If we are the human beings, you know, and we have a mascot that's just a white guy, what message are we sending? Our symbol needs to reflect the diversity of our school and our species.
Pierce: So...Black?
Dean Pelton: No. No, because we're not the Greendale blacks, Mr. Hawthorne, or the Greendale Asians or any other creed. We are the Greendale human beings. [knock on door] yeah.
Jeff: Sorry to disturb you guys... Who are clearly looking at a naked drawing of pierce doing jumping jacks. Dean, a quick download, please?
Dean Pelton: Uh, absolutely. Excuse me.
Pierce: Okay. Fill me in later. Ah. Whoa oh. I'll go with a pencil.
Jeff: First of all...
Dean Pelton: Mmhmm.
Jeff: I'm flattered.
Dean Pelton: Oh, well. You're a very photogenic man. Is that real bed head, or do you put something in there? Can I? Oh, it's crispy.
Jeff: I was thinking about the four disembodied heads, and I thought, where's the heart? Where's the soul? Where's the different poster design?
Dean Pelton: You know, I did think those were less than personable, which is why I went with the full bodies in these mailers we have going out.
Jeff: Mailers? I didn't give permission for this.
Dean Pelton: Jeffrey, did you not read the release agreement on the back of your registration form? I'm starting to see why someone used to be a lawyer. Ha ha! Up top!
Jeff: If someone from the outside were to find okay, if someone from the outside were to find out that I am a student at a community college, that could have a negative impact on my future career.
Dean Pelton: Oh. Goodness. Look what we have stumbled onto an opportunity to help each other out. I suppose I wouldn't need this promotional campaign if I could announce to the press that troy Barnes is playing football here.
Jeff: I think he's been pretty clear about declining that offer.
Dean Pelton: I think if you said, "jump," he'd say, "how high?" if you said, "stop," he'd say, "hammer time." you starting to get what I mean?
Jeff: No. I need another example.
Dean Pelton: You know, I didn't... Realize before, but we should send those out to local businesses. Hmm? Law firms. Lawyer... Companies? Legal... Gatherings?
Jeff: Are you trying to blackmail me?
Dean Pelton: I think so.
Pierce: Gentlemen... I present to you the Greendale human being.
Jeff: That's a falcon with a gun.
Jeff: Now it's a falcon with an erection.
Shirley: Oh hi, Abed
Britta: Heís just laying low, oh are you going to the bathroom
Shirley: Yes
Britta: Iíll go with you
Shirley: You know what, Iím good
Britta: She probably just, you know, had to go number two
Annie: Okay whatís the closest planet to earth?
Troy: Planet Hollywood
Annie: [laughs] Thatís not the right answer but it shows how fun astronomy can be
Jeff: Hey Troy can I talk to you for a sec?
Annie: Weíre studying so Troyís busy
Jeff: Well the galaxyís not going anywhere Iíll bring him back, you every miss being a quarterback Troy?
Troy: I miss being the best at something. I miss having a coach. I miss knowing what to think.
Jeff: You still now what to think Troy
Troy: Oh good
Jeff: For instance after the Dean talked to you about football you and I were thinking the same thing
Troy: That dude looks like Moby
Jeff: We were thinking what if Troy did play for Greendale, youíd be surprised how many of your favourite football players got started at community college
Troy: Really? Name one.
Jeff: Whoís your favourite player?
Troy: Me. WhoaÖ
Jeff: Maybe you and I should go checkout the Greendale thunder dome. Haaaah
Jeff: The dome arrives later. It comes with thunder Let me tell you a little secret about me, troy. Every day on my way to school, I drive through downtown past the courthouse just to get a glimpse of the world that I once ruled. And I just wanna jump out of my car, run up the steps and... Exploit the legal system for profit. But I can't. I'm locked out of my old kingdom. You're not. You see what Iím saying?
Troy: You're saying I could be a lawyer.
Jeff: I'm saying you're a football player! It's in your blood!
Troy: That's racist!
Jeff: Your soul.
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your eyes?
Troy: That's gay?
Jeff: That's homophobic.
Troy: That's black.
Jeff: That's racist!
Troy: Damn.
Jeff: When you played, you were a god. Now you're not playing, and you're not. I'd tell you to do the math, but math isn't important. The only thing that's important is this.
Troy: Yeah, but Annie said
Jeff: Annie said that Benjamin button was compelling. Look, she's a smart girl, but sometimes she's just wrong. 85go long! It's like a drug, isn't it? Feel it, troy. Throw it! The scoreboard lights up. There will be a scoreboard there. It's complete! Nice catch! The girls, the glory, the scouts, the career! It starts when you join this team.
Troy: Is that linebacker a pregnant woman?
Jeff: Look, you can meet them later. But this decision has to be yours, T-bone. And this decision has to be yes.
Troy: How did you know my nickname's T-bone?
Jeff: Because you're a football player, and your name begins with "t." your name...Begins... With "t."
Shirley: Britta?
Britta: Oh. Are you finished? I mean, I have to go, but apparently, I failed yesterday's tryouts for the position of bathroom companion.
Shirley: Oh, Britta, I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings.
Britta: You didn't hurt my feelings, Shirley. I don't need to go to the bathroom with other people. I was just trying to throw you a bone because I like you.
Shirley: Oh. You can keep that bone. Listening to a story about a stranger pissing me off and taking the stranger's side? And then you can't talk about your own business, but you insinuate my mama's a robot because she and I want makeovers. That is the ladies' room, Britta, a place where ladies go to share, listen, support each other and... Discreetly eliminate waste. And I like you too. Even like that you're a little hard. But if you can't learn to be soft in there, you need to pee alone.
Britta: I've peed alone my whole life. Women have always hated me. I don't even know how it started. Maybe it was when I got boobs before everyb
Shirley: shh, shh, shh. Not out here. In there.
Troy: Whoo! Ha ha! Troy, troy, the wonder boy! You dropped your books, point Dexter. Yeah!
Annie: Troy, Iíve been waiting for an hour.
Troy: It's all right, Iím worth it. Hip, hop, body don't stop, Riverside got the broom, don't need a mop. Put your team in a box, put a ribbon on top, we're not John Kerry 'cause we don't flip flop. Say ohhh...* .
Annie: Troy why are you doing a politically conservative high school shamefully outdated fight rap? Have you been playing football?
Troy: Threw the skin around a couple of times. Still got it. Eh...Eh...Eh...Eh... Doosh!
Annie: But you knew we had an astronomy test tomorrow.
Troy: Class blows. What I need to know about the universe is that Iím at the centre of it. *oh bing, bong, sing along. Your teamís Al Gore ëcause your views are wrong.
Annie: Troy! Stop! Don't become this person again. This isn't the real you. This is the arrogant jock that totally ignored the only people that truly liked him for nonsuperficial reasons but weren't allowed to say anything because their parents are bigots!
Troy: Huh?
Annie: Football is bad for you, troy.
Troy: Jeff said you'd say that.
Annie: Jeff...What now?
Troy: Troy! Troy, troy, troy. That's my name.
Pierce: I think if we add in a little bit of Phylicia Rashad we'll be in better shape.
Dean Pelton: Yeah, you're right. That beige is a little light.
Jeff: Umm. Wow.
Dean Pelton: Yeah. Yeah. We are developing the perfect mascot. No stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender.
Pierce: See, Jeff, this is a chart of the features we're staying away from panasian eye folds, Irish chins, women's breasts.
Jeff: Is that Seal?
Dean Pelton: That is our human color wheel. It goes from seal to Seal's teeth.
Pierce: What do you think?
Jeff: I think not being racist is the new racism.
Dean Pelton: Whoa, whoa, whoa what happened to the prototype?
Pierce: Ooh! I left the nose in the kiln.
Jeff: So...Troy is gonna play football.
Dean Pelton: Yes!
Jeff: Which means Iíll be getting rid of these.
Dean Pelton: No. I won't mail these out, but they are staying with me until the press announces that troy is a part of the team. And I want him at that pep rally tonight. Reporters are gonna be there. We're gonna unveil the new mascot. And things are finally going to start turning around. Oh, and...My ex therapist is gonna think twice before he makes fun of my job!
Pierce: Here it is. Still hot.
Dean Pelton: Ooh. Ow.
Pierce: Oh, dean, Iím gonna get some more coffee. You want anything?
Dean Pelton: Oh, yeah, a Desmond Tutu with just enough cream to make it a Lou Diamond Phillips.
Pierce: La Bamba. Got it.
Annie: Ah hah! I've been following you. How much did the dean pay you to make troy play football?
Jeff: I'm not having a conversation with someone who emerges from a bush.
Annie: Because Iím right?
Jeff: No. Because Iím not in a commercial for breakfast cereal. Look...The dean has pictures of me, okay? Horrible pictures of me... Attending his school.
Annie: And for that you'd convince troy to flush his life down football's toilet again? Britta's right, you are the most selfish person alive! And all that is gonna end right now. Because Iím telling him what kind of friend you really are.
Jeff: Maybe you should tell him you're hopelessly in love with him. High school must have been tough, huh? Waiting for a superstar to notice you. But here...Here... He's all alone, and he needs so much help! Did you enrol in all of his classes, or were you worried that might freak him out? The important thing is that you are there for him. The important thing is that you are the only one there for him. And you don't really care what he wants... Just as long as you don't have to share him with the rest of the world. Because, really, you are just as selfish as I am. You're just not as good at it yet.
Annie: You're right. I could never be as good as you. Probably because I actually care.
Jeff: Profound, but technically meaningless. And don't bother trying that thing that women do where they walk away and make the guy feel like crap, because it won't happen! Yeah! Damn it.
Annie: Shirley, will you please come to the bathroom with me?
Annie: Where's Shirley?
Britta: Shirley's not coming. But Iím here... To listen...Girl.
Annie: Why do we inflict so much pain on ourselves for men?
Britta: I don't know...Sweetie. Maybe...It's because men make the world go round? Kleenex?
Annie: I've been... Infatuated with troy. Now he's joining football. Now he'll have his pick of the litter and... I'll never get to be with him! [sobbing]
Britta: oh, Annie, screw him! There are guys out there that would kill to be with you. And if troy isn't one of them, that's him failing your standards. You got that?
Annie: You're right. I can't control him. And if I truly cared about him, I wouldn't want to. Thanks for talking to me, Britta. It really helped.
Britta: Seriously?
Annie: Yes.
Shirley: Who's my girl? 'scuse me!
Britta: I did it, I did it!
Shirley: Oh, yes, you did!
Group: Human beings, human beings! Human beings, human beings!
Jeff: Troy! Troy! Don't go in there, man.
Troy: What?
Jeff: You got the most you were ever gonna get out of football in high school. A life of disillusionment and depression begins on the other side of that door.
Student: Hey, man...Is this your first pep rally or something?
Troy: You told me football was the most important thing in the world.
Jeff: Well, buckle up, troy. I was exaggerating. It's kinda my gimmick. Let me tell you something
Troy: no, let me tell you something. You know that keg flip that cost me my scholarship?
Jeff: Yeah.
Troy: I hurt myself on purpose.
Jeff: What?
Troy: There was a scout coming to the final game at riverside and...I couldn't take the pressure, so I took the easy way out. But when you showed me that field, I saw there was nothing to worry about here. I could just play football for the fun of it. I mean, have you seen these guys? There is nowhere to go but up.
Student: Dude, we have feelings.
Troy: I don't know about you, but I know I ended up here because things weren't that great out there. You should try accepting where you're at, man. Take a pottery class or something. Greendale, we're number one! Nancy Pelosi is no fun!
Jeff: Hey.
Annie: Hey. I've decided to support troy. They deploy things in football, right? I went for rhyme over clarity.
Jeff: Look, Iím, uh...I'm really sorry about before. I just think we were both wrong.
Annie: Really? Because Iím an 18yearold girl, and you made me cry in public.
Jeff: Mm. Okay, maybe I was a little more wrong. I should grow up and make peace with being here. I mean, it's not like Greendaleís gonna kill me or anything.
Greendale Human Being: Bluuulll...
Jeff: Holy crap!
Annie: Aah!
Pierce: Oh, sorry. Hey, say hello to our ethnically neutral mascot the Greendale human being. The costume makes it difficult for him to see.
Dean Pelton: He can't move his mouth either. But take it from me, that's human for "hello." [yelling] let's get you into the pep rally!
Pierce: idea. Let's do it! We've solved racism. What's next?
Dean Pelton: Uh, let's do something for little people. Ooh! Or albinos! Little albinos.
Jeff: This has the potential to be a uniquely Greendale experience. Milady.
Annie: Milord.
Abed: Attention students, this is Abed
Troy: And the disco spider
Abed: Youíre at Greendale
Troy: Greendale
Group Say what
Abed: Few quick announcements, announcement number one, all announcements will be cool starting right now
Troy: Announcement number two, butt soup
Abed: Announcement number three, I am not Hodgie from Johnny Quest, Jeff Winger
Troy: On security news, you guys gotta start locking the Deans door so guys like us donít get in
Security Guards: Hey!