- The Comprehensive Source for Community Quotes!, for all your quoting needs.
Season 1 - Episode 7
"Introduction to Statistics"
Written by Jon Pollack & Tim Hobert
Directed by Justin Lin
Original Air Date: 10/29/2009
Transcribed by Priscilla T.
Senor Chang: As you know all faculty of Greendale are required to give extra credit to students who organise academically related events in what would otherwise be known as our ifree timeî. No student in any department has ever exercised this option, until now.
Annie: Okay. Hey. Tonight in the library I will be hosting a Dia de los Muertos party
Senor Chang: [whispers] Just relax, relax
Annie: Dia de los Muertos or day of the dead is sometimes referred to as Mexican Halloween.
Senor Chang: Which is actually quite offensive to people familiar with Mexican Halloween as a sexual position [Abed looks behind him and Troy nods] at any rate if you show up you get extra credit. Me, I don't even get paid. See ya tonight. Espanol. Esta Noche.
Class: Esta Noche
Senor Chang: Excellente.
Annie: Uhh. Most of you responded to my e-vite but some of you remain e-vasive soÖ
Shirley: Count me in, this is my first college party, I got some tequila and I just rented Van Wilder 2 the Rise of Taj and look
Britta: Shirley, you took off your wedding ring
Shirley: Yeah, my husband's been gone for six months so I think it's time for me to embrace being single
Pierce: Message received
Annie: I'm still waiting to hear from Jeff and Pierce
Pierce: Oh, I thought I shot you a response from this pocket phone here, access email
Britta: You're not going to Annie's party
Jeff: Oh, I have a conflict, it conflicts with the enjoyment of my life
Pierce: I cannot figure out the voice command part of this thing, it's I ah, like I'm my mother
Phone: Calling mother
Pierce: What?
Jeff: Speaking of enjoying life, I don't wanna beat a dead horse here but, are you sure you don't see anything non platonic every crystallizing between us?
Britta: I'm sure
Jeff: Okay good, because one of my professors is really hot and I wanted to give you first right of refusal
Pierce's mum: Hello, Pierce.
Pierce: Mum?
Pierce's mum: How's school going? Are you popular?
Pierce: Oh ha, I eh headed through a tunnel right now I ca- ha- up. Wrong number
Pierce's mum: Has that boy Jeff stopped teasing you? How's your Canadian girlfriend? [Pierce banging chair on the ground] I saw your father's ghost again he's still angry
Michelle: The Bernoulli distribution is the number of successes in a sequence of independent Yes no experiments. Okay. Uh, for the quiz Monday, brush up on chapters three and four.
Jeff: Bernoulli's one of my favourites. Little known fact, statistics were not his only love. He's also famous for his French sauce used on meat and poultry.
Michelle: That's bÈarnaise.
Jeff: Oh, we may need to settle this at a restaurant.
Michelle: It's cute. A little aggressive ,but as a busy, confident woman of authority, I'm attracted to men who take charge.
Jeff: Are you being sarcastic, or am I nailing it?
Michelle: You were nailing it, until you had to ask. Oh, damn it. Starting over.
Jeff: Hey, you in the skirt, date me.
Michelle: I'd like to, Mr. Winger. You're tall, you dress nice, and I've graded enough of your tests to know I'd never feel mentally inadequate.
Jeff: Thank you.
Michelle: Only problem, I don't date students.
Jeff: You know if you agree to go out with me... Oh, hey. Awkward. How small is this campus?
Shirley: Bastard.
Britta: It's fine. I don't care.
Shirley: It's disgusting the way men behave. Did you ever see that Katherine Heigl movie poster where Gerard butler had that heart over his weiner? That resonated with me.
Britta: Okay, fine. But just to repeat, I don't care what Jeff does.
Shirley: Bastard.
Jeff: I'm barely a student. I'm older than you. I drive a Lexus. I saw "ghost busters" in the theatre. Look, my gums are receding.
Michelle: It's uncanny how many of my buttons you're finding, but I have a personal rule about this, and I stick to it.
Jeff: Have a cup of coffee with me. I bet I can change your mind.
Michelle: Oh, I know you can. That's why you're not getting the chance.
Leonard Ooh, whoo.
Annie: Are you coming to my Dias De Los Muertos party?
Jeff: I'm definitely gonna try to swing by.
Annie: Then I can mark you down as definitely being there from 7pm sharp till upside-down Spanish question mark?
Jeff: Here's the thing...
Annie: No, here's the thing. I am putting my foot down. You understand? I am being assertive, and I am making eye contact, and it is achieving results.
Jeff: Are you trying to get formidable with me?
Annie: It worked on Pierce.
Jeff: Infomercials work on Pierce.
Annie: Jeff, you're the cool guy, okay? If you show up, it'll be the first party I host where everyone doesn't say they need to get home in time for the news. [Annie starts crying]
Jeff: This won't work. The last time you did this, I saved a vial of your tears and have been slowly building up an immunity.
Annie: I was so unpopular in high school, the crossing guard used to lure me into traffic. This party is a second chance to be... Hip. Cool! Laidback!
Jeff: Look, I will come to your party.
Annie: Thank you.
Jeff: I'm putting you down for two bags of ice and a sleeve of paper cups.
Abed: Taking a pill?
Pierce: Yes, I am.
Abed: Xenolovaden. My grandpa took that when he was around your age.
Pierce: Fantastic.
Abed: Really helped him with his going problem. But by the time grandpa got up in years, his memory wasn't great. He'd mix the wrong pills. You know how old people are?
Pierce: Heard stories about it, yeah.
Abed: One time he started hallucinating and ran down the street with no pants on. Which in the gaza strip is considered a real party foul, so you should probably be careful...
Pierce: Look, I really don't need your advice, and I'm not your pantsless grandpa.
Troy: [laughs] Pantsless grandpa. [laughs]
Annie: Hola!
Student: Scary.
Annie: Oh, cute! Cute. Oh, Britta. You look adorable.
Britta: Thank you. I hate when women use Halloween as an excuse to dress up like sluts, you know?
Annie: Yeah. Okay, everyone. I think we can begin. I've got everyone's personalized cookie tombstones, por tradicion, and in a few minutes, we're going to start the dance of the dead... La danza de los muertos.
Senor Chang: You don't have to keep doing that!
Annie: Party on.
Britta: It's nice of you to be here. Sure you'd rather be out with your hot professor.
Jeff: Well, it's funny, I enrolled here as selfish loner, but you and the group have given me a crash course in friendship.
Britta: She blew you off, huh? She's grading papers.
Senor Chang: Professor Slater? She's not grading papers. She's at the faculty party in the cafeteria.
Jeff: Oh, look, it's the eavesdropping matador.
Senor Chang: Are you saying my people are sneaky?
Jeff: What?
Abed: [batman voice]There's a storm building on the horizon, but you and I will save the night. Chex mix, pretzels, baby carrots, predictable but appetizing.
Troy: Hey.
Abed: [batman voice]Hey.
Troy: Can I ask you something I always wanted to ask the real batman?
Abed: [batman voice]Yeah.
Troy: Am I good looking?
Abed: [batman voice]You're a very attractive young man.
Troy: I knew it.
Pierce: Let's get this party started!
Britta: Who are you?
Pierce: I am the beast master. From the movie beast master. What rock have you been living under? What are you going as? A gay douche bag? Just kidding.
Jeff: Nice one. I'm not much of a costume guy.
Pierce: I know, you're not much of a liking the ladies guy either, huh? Oop. Body blow. Is that liquor?
Shirley: Hello. Here's your drinks, mates.
Jeff: Oh, thanks, Urkel.
Shirley: I'm harry potter.
Jeff: Really?
Senor Chang: What up, Urkel?
Starburns: Hey. Oh... All right. What are you taking?
Pierce: You know, the usual cool stuff. I've got 'ludes, uh, dreamers... Johnny boys.
Starburns: Tell you what. I'll trade you one of mine for two of yours. Hmm?
Pierce: I don't know, Starburns. I'm...
Starburns: Oh, sorry. I thought I was dealing with the beast master.
Pierce: Hey, hey, who said you weren't? Saddle up, fruit pie.
Starburns: I don't mind if I do, may I?
Senor Chang: Here. Take this. Give anyone that shows up their stupid credit.
Jeff: You going to the faculty party? Make me your plus one.
Senor Chang: Ah, give it up, winger. Professor Slater doesn't date students. Or married Asians who drive mopeds.
Jeff: Give you 20 bucks.
Senor Chang: I'll bring the hog around.
Annie: Okay, it's time for the "dance of the dead". Everyone form a circle. Lights. Music.
Abed: [batman voice] Is it under genre or on a specific playlist?
Pierce: Hey, uh, man? What'd you slip me? I keep grinding my teeth, and I want to kiss everybody.
Starburns: What'd you slip me, man? My heart stopped racing, and I can't pee.
Annie: Now for the first dance, I'd like to invite a very special guest to the floor. Jeff winger? Jeff? Where's Jeff?
Jeff: Please slow down. Please
Senor Chang: Stop crying Winger
Starburns: Is Jeff gone? You know, I'm gonna go. I don't want to miss the news.
Annie: News!
Britta: He just stepped out. He's gonna be right back. He's going to the faculty party.
Shirley: To be with professor "short skirt"? We hate her.
Britta: No, it's not about her, Shirley. I can't believe that Jeff would do this to Annie.
Shirley: Yes, absolutely. It's about Annie. We should go find that bitch's car and snap off her antenna.
Annie: It's like high school all over again. Everyone's leaving.
Pierce: Not me. I could do this all night. I love you
Jeff: There you go, pretty lady.
Michelle: What are you doing here?
Jeff: Showing you my nonstudent side.
Michelle: I have to admit, this outfit's doing it for me. I may or may not have been deflowered by a junior rodeo champion.
Jeff: You're reminding me of my first time too.
Michelle: You lost your virginity to robin hood?
Jeff: No, with an attractive woman at a party. We seem destined to repeat history.
Michelle: I told you no students. It's unseemly. I go out with you, you tell your friends, it gets around the school...
Jeff: What friends? I have no friends. I hate everyone here but you.
Britta: Hey.
Jeff: What are you doing here?
Britta: What are you doing here? You should be over at the library with Annie... Whoa. Yippy ki yay. Thought you weren't a costume guy.
Jeff: You had to have one to get in here, squirrel.
Britta: Oh, so where did you get it? 'cause I wouldn't think that any costume stores would be open this late.
Jeff: I don't know what you're getting at.
Britta: I think the words that you're looking for are "I own a cowboy outfit." and it is tight too. Did you buy it like that? Your toy gun to my head, I'd say yes.
Michelle: Hi. Michelle Slater, PhD.
Britta: Britta Perry, ged.
Michelle: Oh, are you a classmate of Jeff's?
Jeff: Oh, well, when you say "classmate", it sounds like we take naps together and eat paste, but what's great about community colleges is that a lot of the students are just as mature as the teachers.
Abed: [batman voice] Jeff, you must return to Annie's party. She's feeling unpopular.
Troy: Jeff, Pierce took something, and he is tripping balls. He is touching people and dancing weird. It's like grumpy old men but not hilarious.
Jeff: Okay, uh, guys? I'm at a grownup Halloween party, all right? You're all being unseemly.
Abed: [batman voice]Oh, no.
Britta: How are we unseemly?
Dean Pelton: Why is Urkel ripping the antenna off professor Slater's car?
Shirley: That's right, professor slim calves. This is what you get when you steal Jeff from a good woman!
Pierce: No, abed!
Michelle: Is he meowing?
Abed: [batman voice] Yeah.
Jeff: Enough. I want you guys out of here. Britta, I don't care about your high school soap opera. Abed, you're not batman. Pierce. Pierce. Pierce. Stop grinding on the women's studies department. You are too old to be tripping.
Pierce: I'm old? What do you mean old? Whose hands are these? Help me!
Britta: Way to go.
Abed: I know I'm not batman. You could try not being a jerk.
Troy: She's pretty hot.
Jeff: Well, where were we, little doggie?
Michelle: Unseemly.
Jeff: Yeah. Crap.
Britta: Shirley? Shirley!
Shirley: This is professor robin hood's office.
Britta: So what are you doing?
Shirley: I'm putting this hose in her desk, and you going outside to turn the water on.
Britta: Why?
Shirley: To teach that longneck weave having bank teller she can't steal another woman's man! That's why. I have a confession to make. I think some of what I just said may have more to do with my situation.
Britta: Yeah, the longneck, weave having bank teller didn't feel universal.
Shirley: My ex-husband came by this morning, and he, uh, he asked for his ring back. It was his mother's, and he wants to give it to his new girlfriend.
Britta: Shirley, that sucks.
Shirley:\Don't get me wrong. Best thing ever happened to me was him leaving. I just... I always thought he'd come crawling back, and I'd get to tell him, "go to hell." he couldn't even give me that. You know what the crazy thing is, Britta?
Britta: Everything you've done tonight?
Shirley: It's like I was too proud to admit I was hurt, so I had to pretend that you were.
Britta: I totally get that.
Shirley: I feel better now.
Britta: Let's go check on Annie.
Shirley: Can you believe I targeted this poor lady? Look at all these awards. I bet she's nice.
Britta: Yeah. Nice and pretentious.
[Pierce hallucinating]
Annie: Pierce? Pierce, are you okay?
Troy: Hey, man, what's going on? You have a full on erection. Just rela... Just relax.
Annie: Pierce, relax. Just relax, okay? Pierce!
Jeff's voice: You are too old to be tripping! Pierce... You are too old to be tripping.
Annie: Tell me about the Beatles, Pierce. Tell me about Woodstock and sputnik, Pierce.
Senor Chang: Gee, do I feel a breeze here? Because someone just struck out.
Jeff: She blew you off too, Chang.
Senor Chang: Is that what you had to fall back on? Look at me, bro. Look at me. I've got the body of a fifth grader, okay? If I was working with what you've got, she'd be at the comfort inn right now giving me a Mexican Halloween.
Jeff: It's this campus. It feeds on my coolness. I... I got no moves anymore.
Senor Chang: Moves? Everything's a game to guys like you. I know one move I bet you've never tried in your life.
Jeff: What is it?
Jeff: Please sleep with me. Please. Pretty please. I'm so lonely. I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time, and you are so good looking. Please do me the favor of having sex with me.
Michelle: Okay, stay three steps behind and promise you won't tell anybody.
Jeff: I promise. I promise.
Pierce: Everybody, stay out of the library.
Shirley: Pierce, it's okay. Come out of there.
Pierce: No, I'm not ready to die!
Britta: Pierce, you're not gonna die!
Jeff: Just... Just keep walking. Don't make eye contact.
Troy: Jeff. Jeff! Jeff. Pierce is freaking out. You're the only one that can help.
Jeff: What makes you think that?
Pierce: Is Jeff out there? He's the only one who can help.
Troy: He says he's gonna kill himself, but he doesn't want us to call 911, because he doesn't want to get in trouble for taking drugs.
Jeff: I can't believe I'm doing this. I, uh... I think I have to say goodnight.
Michelle: Are you, like, a court appointed guardian for these people?
Jeff: Uh, no. Um, they're my classmates.
Michelle: Goodnight, Jeff.
Senor Chang: Loser!
Jeff: What in the pink Floyd?
Pierce: I'm gonna crush myself to death with desks and tables, Jeff!
Jeff: Is that a death befitting a beast master?
Pierce: I never saw beast master. I just wanted to be cool.
Jeff: I'm coming in there, Pierce.
Pierce: Those floating Mexican skeletons were right. My life is over.
Jeff: Well, when we go to floating skeletons with our problems, we get what we pay for, don't we?
Pierce: I'm old, Jeff.
Jeff: Pierce, I don't know how you spent the first 60 years, but I know in the last two months you've probably doubled the national average for amount of life lived per lifetime.
Pierce: Well, I do have a young, African American friend.
Jeff: Yeah. And, more importantly, you're dressed like a gladiator in a desk fort that you built during a bad trip. If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero to everything that's ever lived.
Pierce: Yeah?
Jeff: Yeah.
Pierce: Yeah!
[desk fort collapses and Abed rescues Jeff & Pierce]
Jeff: Batman?
Abed: [batman voice] Yeah?
Jeff: Are you staying for the party?
Abed: [batman voice] If I stay, there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant. Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there. Wherever there are masks, wherever there's tomfoolery and joy, I'm there. But sometimes I'm not, 'cause I'm out in the night, staying vigilant, watching, lurking, running, jumping, hurtling, sleeping... No, I can't sleep. You sleep. I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I a bird? No. I'm a bat. I am batman. Or am I? Yes, I am batman. Happy Halloween.
Troy: I'm batman.
Abed: You sound like cookie monster.
Troy: I'm batman.
Abed: That's batman.
Troy: Candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones.
Abed: Yeah, it sure does.
Troy: At, like, a candy traffic school. Like, a little gingerbread man at the wheel, and he's drunk.
Abed: Look out. You'd be driving,
Troy: but you keep wanting to eat yourself.
Abed: All day.
Troy: That's one of my biggest fears.
Abed: What is?
Troy: If I ever, like, woke up as a donut.
Abed: You would eat yourself?
Troy: I wouldn't even question it.
Abed: That'd be tasty.
Troy: It's cool to know other people think about this stuff too.
Abed: Yeah. Yeah