Season 1 - Episode 8
Written by Lauren Pomerantz
Directed by Anthony Russo
Original Air Date: 11/5/2009
Transcribed by Priscilla T.
Señor Chang: So from now on, we'll refer to each other by our Spanish nombres. There will be...what’s this? [gasps, whispers] it’s okay, it’s okay, do it, do it [laughs] Buenos Dies, Winger. Ohh Class dismissed.
Troy: Shirley Look, I'm Annie's backpack.
Annie: Stop it, Troy.[laughs]
Troy: Say there are two friends and they're in the same class and one wants to ask the other one out on a date. Like a grownup date, but within biking distance of his parents' house.
Annie: They could do something on campus. Tomorrow there's a picnic with live music on the East lawn. They're calling it "A night under the stars".
Troy: Cool. I bet Randi would love that type of thing. Randi?
Annie: I thought...
Troy: Oh you thought... Can't believe I misled you like that. Listen... Randi can be the name of a guy or a girl. And in this case, it is definitely a girl. Thanks for your help.
Annie: You're welcome. And I hate you. And I want to have your children.
Shirley: Damn, I picked the wrong couple to follow out of class this morning. Jeff and Britta are dead air.
Britta: Are you okay? It looks like you have actual bed head this morning.
Jeff: In fashion, I'm what's known as a tastemaker.
Britta: And you missed an entire side of your face shaving.
Jeff: And next month, so will Gwen Stefani. Here comes Vaughn. Bye.
Pierce: Vaughn? The guy with the tiny nipples you did it with.
Britta: Oh god Hi, Vaughn. Can we talk sometime? I'm sorry about how things ended.
Vaughn: 'cause you're toxic, Britta. You're like the exact opposite of an antioxidant. Yeah tsh. I got band practice. Lates.
Britta: Can't we still be friends? And isn't the word "later" already short enough?
Britta: Let me talk to him for you. It’s better if it’s Man-to-man . That way we won't think about our chubby thighs or whether or not we can have babies.
Britta: Don't talk to Vaughn.
Pierce: Your hormones are clouding your...
Britta: Don't talk to Vaughn.
Pierce: That is "girl" for "talk to Vaughn".
Shirley: You sure you don't want a piece of that?
Britta: Shirley, What is he doing?
Shirley: I know exactly what he's doing. My ex-husband spent four weeks doing that after his "innocent mistake" of calling me Valerie. That boy's living in his car.
Pierce: I lived in my car for a stretch in the '70s. Nothing like bedding a woman on the vinyl backseat of a Skylark. Of course, we didn't have the same safety standards back then so... No condoms. I tell you, before aids, sex was like shaking hands.
Annie: Hence aids.
Pierce: Brittles, I forgot to tell you, I went and talked to Vaughn.
Pierce: The bad news is I could not patch up things between you. You really did a number on him. Good news is I'm the new keyboardist in his band.
Britta: So I asked you not to talk to him and you completely ignored me.
Pierce: Hey tiny You're missing the headline. I'm in a rock band!
Jeff: Oh I'd like to be there when the band finds out.
Britta: Oh hi Jeff We were just talking about how in today's economy... Living in your car living in your car You are living in your car. I'm sorry, I'm not good at being coy.
Jeff: I'm not living in my car. I'm just sleeping in it for a couple of days while I work at some problems with my condo. It's a very temporary issue. I've got to pay some meaningless fees and then they'll put my locks back on the door and that'll be that.
Britta: How you'll get the money?
Jeff: Believe me, kitten, Winger's got moves.
Shirley: Jeff Do you need a place to stay?
Troy: I'd offer but my dad's kind of racist.
Abed: You can stay with me in the dorms. My room has a bunk bed, which is a misnomer because it's the real deal.
Jeff: The next person that offers me charity or pity will be mentioned by name in my suicide note.
Troy: Annie, Annie Thanks for your advice about "a night under the stars".
Annie: Of course. Anytime. Ever.
Troy: Now I just gotta figure out what to bring to the picnic. This is my first college girl so I really want to impress her. Would you mind helping me shop for this stuff?
Annie: I'd love to.
Troy: Thanks. Later.
Jeff: Wanna see my place? I can see it from here. Two girls are making out on the hood.
Jeff: No, my real place. The condo board's trying to bluff me by listing my place as available. Look at those faucets. Handcrafted in Italy. 100% expensive.
Britta: Those faucets are beautiful. You know what they would go great with: a home, which you no longer have. You need to move on with your life.
Jeff: Yeah. Move on with my life. "Shmove shmon shmith shmy shmife. " This condo is all that's left of me. Every part of it is a part of who I am.
Britta: Is that a bidet?
Jeff: That part's for resale value. And Saturday afternoons.
Britta: You know, downgrading your lifestyle is your chance to grow as a person. Maybe even become one. The less you have, the more you can be You know what I'm saying?
Jeff: There's a silver lining here, isn't there? You're attracted to bums.
Britta: Good night.
Jeff: Come on. Why don't you have dinner at my place? I got a hot plate that plugs into a cigarette lighter.
Britta: Yeah, but your kitchen's being towed.
Jeff: Stop! That's my house!
[knocking on door]
Jeff: Can I live with you?
Abed: Yeah. Cool. You want the top or the bottom bunk?
Abed: Me too. Race you for it I win.
Jeff: Look, I really need to liquidate some assets. It's an emergency situation. What kind of an offer is that? These are mint condition issues. I mean the premise alone is priceless. The guy has the powers and strength of a spider. No, your incredulity perplexes me, nerd.
Abed: Jeff Did I say anything in my sleep about farm animals or Brian Williams?
Jeff: I don't think so.
Abed: Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Lucky charms?
Jeff: How are you so satisfied all the time? Don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?
Abed: Sometimes I like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk and drink like it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it "special drink".
Jeff: And some day you will know it by its true name, "diabetes. "
Abed: You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.
Jeff: I'm sorry?
Abed: You're Goldie Hawn.
Jeff: Is it the lips?
Abed: In overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant. Got manicures all the time. But she fell off her boat, good thing for her because, she realized she was happier being poor and rising four boys with Kurt Russell.
Jeff: Can I not be Kurt Russell?
Abed: Do whatever you want. You just have to know what that is. For me, it's Lucky Charms... and TV.
Jeff: I could use a break.
Troy: Ohh A picnic blanket. Genius. I was gonna lay down on newspaper.
Annie: It's the blanket my grandmother used to court my grandfather.
Troy: Yeah? That's pretty hot.
Shirley: Tell that boy how you feel!
Annie: It's scary. If he's not interested, I could lose the friendship too.
Shirley: You could. Love is a gamble always. But waiting won't change the dice. You either roll them or lose your turn.
Annie: I'm going to roll them. I am. I just... I need a few more shakes. Shake 'em in your mind, okay?
Vaughn: Is the keyboard…? Alright
Shirley: Now if you’ll excuse me, Pierce's band is playing and I want to record the train wreck. Kind of hoping for a Michael Richards situation.
Vaughn: This is for you
Shirley: Oh They're pretty good. This isn't weird for you?
Britta: No Just want to show Vaughn some support to help smooth things over.
Vaughn: *Saying goodbye to Britta was the hardest thing to do. But when someone's a bitch and a liar, there ain't nothing left to woo. I'm getting rid of Britta. What am I doing? I'm getting rid of the b.
Pierce: * She's a no good b.*
Vaughn: *I'm getting rid of Britta, I'm getting rid of the b.*
Pierce: * She's a gdb.*
TV: Same as a 45 year old, except he doesn't get as tired.
Abed: Really great to have somebody to watch stuff with. My dad never wanted to watch anything so I was kind of raised by TV.
Jeff: TV’s the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk. TV never forgot me at the zoo. TV never abused and insulted me, unless you count Cop Rock.
Abed: Cop Rock. That sounds cool.
Jeff: Doesn't it?
Britta: Hey, wow. You guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?
Jeff: Yeah In the last two days, I spent a quarter.
Abed: We're having the time of our lives.
Britta: See? Who needs platinum faucets? Do you guys even have faucets in here?
Jeff: There's a communal bathroom down the hallway. It actually helped me come to terms with losing my condo. You don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world.
Jeff & Abed: Pavel!
Pavel: Hey, bros.
Jeff: This is Pavel. He lives next door. He's from Poland.
Abed: [speaking polish] is Britta
Pavel: *I'm getting rid of Britta, getting rid of the b.*
Britta: Excuse me, I have a future murder victim to visit.
Jeff: Cool cool cool
Abed: [speaks polish]
Britta: Guys, what the hell! "Getting rid of Britta"? That song was disrespectful to me and to the definition of "rhyme scheme".
Vaughn: Wow if you don't like my song, you don't have to listen, all right? I'm an artist and I write what I feel. And I feel that you suck.
Pierce: Uh oh all right, hold on here. Can I have a word with you? Could you come here, please, for a second? What did you just say to her?
Vaughn: Listen I know Britta's your friend, but my song is more important.
Pierce: Your song. We wrote it together. Are you trying to Garfunkel me?
Vaughn: Maybe. Assuming to "Garfunkel" someone is to keep putting up with them even though they're a fat, lazy cat who hogs the spotlight and eats lasagna.
Pierce: I get it. You're jealous.
Britta: What? Why?
Pierce: I don't know. Maybe because when I were these skinny jeans, my ass looks like a baby pumpkin. Or because I'm not a small nippled, Credit hogging jag who only knows three power cords.
Vaughn: My band, my song! You want that? How you like that? Lates!
Pierce: You get on that horse.
Britta: Did you just defend my honor?
Pierce: Oh, yeah, totally.
Annie: And you'll light the candles. And you'll take a bite. And she'll take a bite. And you'll laugh.[laughs] And you'll offer her your letter jacket after you notice this funny way she shakes when she gets cold. And she'll feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Troy: Right. I couldn't have done this without your help. You're really nice. We should've hung out more in high school.
Annie: Remember when you pretended to be my backpack?
Troy: [laughs] Oh, yeah, I'm funny. All right. I got to go get ready.
Annie: Troy, wait! I have to tell you... My appendix is bursting.
Annie: Yeah, yeah My appendix is bursting.[screaming]
Troy: Oh, no
Nurse: Two young students. Think I've been to this dance before. You guys are sexual partners, right?
Annie: Us? No. He's my very good friend. And I have appendicitis. Thanks for bringing me here. Guess I ruined your date, huh? Doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you.
Troy: Cool. I'll see you.[Annie screams]
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Nurse: Okay, we have to quarantine you. We got to get you to a safe distance.
Troy: My date's on the east lawn.
Nurse: East lawn. Perfect. This a date? You'll need these.
Troy: Nice. I'll be thinking of you.
Annie: Okay, I need to go.
Nurse: No, we... We have to observe you overnight. It's policy. We don't want another "Vanessa Parsons" on our hand. She was the "typhoid Mary" of herpes. I'm kind of the Hawkeye around here so it's kind of a... Are you seeing anybody?
Britta: You guys weren't in Spanish class.
Jeff: Knight Rider marathon.
Abed: Shadowy flight into the world of a man who does not exist.
Britta: Britta May I have a word?
Jeff: Has this always been here?
Abed: You need to take Jeff back.
Jeff: Never had him. Don't want him. Especially now. He's got a real Phil Spector vibe going.
Abed: He's like E.T. He crashed in my place. And we're friends now, it's great for me, but it's bad for him. He needs to get back.
Britta: What am I supposed to do about that?
Abed: Use your lady parts.
Abed: Don't be naive. The charge between you was keeping him going. Tell him you'll make love to him if he takes a shower and finds a nice place to live.
Jeff: I'm heading back. Pavel's making babka.
Abed: Do it. Seduce him. Draw the tapeworm of Jeff’s old self out of him with the bowl of milk that is your sexuality.
Abed: Then say goodbye to E.T.
Jeff: Abed, it's open!
[TV playing, Jeff laughs]
Britta: What are you doing?
Jeff: That was the Jeffersons, honky.
Britta: I was wrong, okay? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier the Jeffersons were than that family on good times.
Jeff: Yeah but they had good times.
Britta: Well, do good times really matter? What about good cars, good lobster? What about that... That sport where the British people ride the horses with the really long hammers?
Jeff: Jeez, you are way out of your element here.
Britta: Yes, and I do not believe a single word I am saying for me. But for you, maybe you're one of those rare people with nothing underneath the surface. Maybe if you put stain remover on a turd, you don't get a diamond. You just get a turd with less direction in life.
Jeff: Thanks, coach. Can you turn the TV back on? Ow. Faucets.
Britta: Italian faucets, handcrafted.
Jeff: These look like... Wait... I made this notch to indicate optimal cleansing temperature for combination skin. These were mine?
Britta: For a fancy condo, you've got awful security. Install those in a new apartment so that every day, when you're spending way too much time on your hair, you can look down and think, "I was a huge phony before. I can do it again!"
Jeff: You're into me.
Britta: I beg your unbelievable pardon.
Jeff: Look at all this work you're doing just to have me around again. You were more attracted to me than you were willing to admit.
Britta: I was doing this all for Abed. You are the worst.
Jeff: Yeah. Clearly.
Pierce: Vaughn I just want you to know, I haven't changed my mind about the band. I am out. Also, do me a favor, will you lay off Britta? She may walk like she just got off a horse, but underneath all that clown makeup, she's a good kid.
Vaughn: No worries, man. I've moved on. Lates!
Pierce: Lates. Okay. Snakes. What?
Vaughn: *Pierce, I don't need you in my band. I don't need your heart or your hand. I am my own person, and, Pierce, you're a b. Yeah, you heard me say it. Pierce, you're a b.*
Annie: No! Before you two proceed, I have one thing to say...
Troy: Did you... say it already?
Annie: I want my nana’s blanket back. Do you guys mind? Could you scoot over? It's an heirloom. I want it back. Thank you. Have a nice date. I don't care what you think. For me, that was huge.
Shirley: I know, sweetie. Let's go find you some pants.
Student: [raps] This song's for Pierce 'cause he's so old His body made of wrinkles and folds. Stupid and ugly, he smell like a fart, the poopoo in his pants and poopoo in my heart.
Britta: Hey Look who the cat dragged out and licked clean.
Jeff: Well I saw how much you missed me, and smelled what happens to Pavel on cabbage night and realized the world was better off with me in it. Thanks... For, uh... Caring.
Abed: You look like you moved out.
Abed: I checked into a motel and I'm looking for apartments. You would've been fine with me staying there forever?
Jeff: You're pretty cool, Abed.
Abed: You're a huge nerd.
Pierce: I'm Pierce. Yeah. Song's about me.
*Pierce, pierce, pierce you’re a b* *Pierce, pierce, pierce you’re a b*
Student: [raps] East side, west side, North side, south Vaughn's breath is so bad, his butts mad at his mouth this rap is by Pierce, Vaughn is dumb h wears diapers to bed, and sucks his mothers thumb and when he wakes up, stupid wishing he was me he has a big poop breakfast, with a glass of pee then he goes to school, where he's stupid again and everybody hates him, even all his friends When you come after Pierce, then the battle is on so this rap goes out, to stupid Vaughn
Vaughn: Uh huh Well payed Pierce. This isn't over.