Season 1 - Episode 9
Written by Tim Hobert
Directed by Joe Russo
Original Air Date: 11/12/2009
Transcribed by Priscilla T.
Pierce: So then the guy says to the housekeeper, "Make sure she's dead." Stop me if you heard this one before.
Jeff: Would have been nice to have that option 27 minutes ago.
Pierce: The housekeeper says to the guy, "We don't have a pool."[laughs] And the guy says...
Dean Pelton: Good morning, Greendale! Just a reminder, our debate team will bring home the championship tomorrow versus "City College". Go, "Human Beings"!
Pierce: Great. Now I got to start the whole joke over again. Okay, so this guy...
Britta: No! I've got one for you. A doddering old fool walks into a bar, tells a stupid joke, and I crush his windpipe with my three-ring binder.
Shirley: [laughs nervously] I don't get it.
Jeff: Britta's trying to give up cigarettes.
Britta: Don't tell them my business. I will slap that smug look right off your pointy face.
Jeff: Britta, I'm saying this because I care about you and you're my friend. You need to start smoking again.
Shirley: I really think you should. Absolutely. They say it makes you lose weight, and your skin looks really great when you do smoke.
Britta: Guys, I really appreciate your support, but I've got to quit this time.
Pierce: Have you thought about hypnotherapy? I know a dynamite hypnotherapist.
Jeff: Ten-to-one says it's him.
Pierce: His name is Pierce Hawthorne. And I'm very effective.
Jeff: Can you help me block out people's voices I find extremely annoying?
Pierce: Jeff, she's right there.
Britta: Pierce, I would be grateful for your help.
Pierce: You would? Super. I'll set it up.
Britta: What? I feel bad for him. Plus, I just yelled at him.
Jeff: You yelled at me too.
Britta: Oh, did I hurt your feelings, pointy face?
Jeff: Wow. Wow.
Troy: Have you seen the film "Department's web site"?
Jeff: What do you think?
Troy: All of Abed's films are about us.
Troy: Check it out.
Abed’s Troy: What else is new?
Abed’s Jeff: Hola.
Abed’s Britta: Jeff, stop being so relaxed. We need to talk to you about...
Actor Shirley: We know you're living out of your car. Why, on Lord's good Earth, are you living out of your car, boy?
Britta: Those people look just like us. That's eerie.
Abed’s Jeff: Fine, it's true. I'm living out of my car. And I don't want anyone's help.
Britta: We had almost that exact conversation last week.
Troy: Yeah, but Abed posted this video two weeks ago.
Shirley: That boy's a soothsayer.
Troy: This is wrinkling my brain.
Abed’s Troy: This is wrinkling my brain.
Troy: That's wrinkling my brain.
Abed’s Pierce: Get a load of these wrinkles.
Pierce: Who's that old guy?
Abed’s Pierce: Hi, I'm Pierce Hawthorne.
Pierce: Oh, come on!
Dean Pelton: There he is. Oh, Mr. Winger... Mr. Winger, did you happen to hear my announcement this morning?
Jeff: I hang on every word.
Dean Pelton: I'm gonna assume that's sarcasm.
Dean Pelton: So you didn't hear my announcement?
Jeff: I'm barely listening now.
Dean Pelton: Oh.
Annie: My debate partner dropped out, and we need you to fill in for him at the championship tonight.
Whitman: Jeffrey, as debate coach, I am offering you an opportunity to spend the night drinking from the cup of life rather than romancing your nether regions in front of the E! channel.
Dean Pelton: Come on, Jeff. I mean, who better than a former lawyer to really stick it to those "City College" snobs and their star debater Simmons?
Jeff: Mm, pass.
Dean Pelton: Okay. No, no. Okay, wait. Wait. Okay, no, no. Look. Listen, jerk wad... I'm sorry. That got heated. Greendale needs a win. The best compliment our sports program gets is that our basketball team is really gay, so what's it gonna take? You know, a plum parking space, free meals, a night of companionship if you know what I mean.
Jeff: I'll do it for the parking space. And if you promise not to tell me what you mean.
Dean Pelton: Okay. Yeah!
Britta: Pierce, thank you. I really appreciate you helping me out.
Pierce: And I appreciate the opportunity. You know, sometimes, I think people don't take me seriously.
Britta: So what are you gonna do? Wave a pocket watch in front of my face and tell me I'm getting very sleepy?
Pierce: Just checking the time. Now close your eyes. Keep them closed at all times. And listen to the soothing sound of my voice. The only word that will bring you out is "gorilla". Okay, now focus on the rhythm of your own breathing. And when you feel the desire to light up a cigarette, you will associate these urges with things in your life that disgust you. Bad-tasting food. Sex with men. Wearing attractive clothing. And soon...[Pierce falls over] Oh, God, I think I really hurt myself! Somebody help me. Oh, Britta, wake up! Why'd I put you under so well? Damn my talent.
Abed: Topic for debate is "are people inherently good or evil?" So when do you want to get together to strategize?
Jeff: Annie, I was a lawyer. I was a debater for money. I think I can handle this. How was hypnotherapy?
Britta: He fell down and screamed in pain while I laid there with my eyes closed to make him feel like a good hypnotherapist.
Jeff: You realize this will never end.
Britta: It's already done. He just wants one more session.
Troy: Where's Abed? I need to talk to him about his films.
Shirley: That boy's flat out prescient. He can read our minds.
Abed: I know what you're gonna say. You watched my movies on the website.
Shirley: He's a witch!
Troy: Get him!
Abed: No, I'm not a witch. I'm a student of human character. I know you guys all so well I can predict your behavior. Like Shirley. I know you're a sweet, Christian, generous person.
Abed & Shirley: Oh, that's nice.
Abed: I also know you have thinly veiled rage issues.
Abed & Shirley: Careful, boy.
Abed: Here. Check this out. May I?
Abed: Jeff's character acts like nothing around here affects him. But things bother him more than he lets on.
Abed’s Pierce: Hey, I'm top of the class.
Abed’s Jeff: Gah!
Abed: He's also very vain.
Jeff: Pfft Ridiculous.
[Abed’s Troy crying in film]
Troy: Why am I crying? What, I accidentally listen to "Come sail away" by Styx again?
Abed: You don't have to worry, Troy. It's just a movie. I can't predict the future.
Abed’s Pierce: My leg. I hurt my leg. Aah!
Pierce: What up, happy people?
Shirley: You tell me my future right now, you evil wizard!
Pierce: By the way, Jeff, I think your shirt's trying to get out of your pants.
Annie: As "Golding's Lord of the Flies" demonstrates, man, when left to his own devices, will descend into chaos and evil. [applaud]
Dean Pelton: And now, from "City College", Jeremy Simmons.[crowd cheers]
Simmons: There were 23,000... kidney donations in America last year. Man is good. The average life expectancy for a man in a community is 23 years longer than a man alone. Man is good. And just ten minutes ago, a bald, bespectacled man held the door for a man in a wheelchair.
Dean Pelton: Oh.
Simmons: Man is good.
Dean Pelton: Oh. I hate this guy.
Simmons: By the end of this debate, I will prove with facts and data that man is inherently good.[crowd cheers]
Whitman: Old trick for achieving the proper competitive mindset, I always envision my opponent having aggressive sex with my mother.
Jeff: This feels so formal. Let's just talk. People are evil. They can't help it. I didn't catch your name.
Jean: It's Jean.
Jeff: Take Jean here. She spent a lot of time this morning making herself look so lovely. Tell me, Jean. How many people bothered to tell you how great you look today?
Jeff: Man is evil.
Jean: But you just said how great I looked.
Jeff: For my own selfish purposes. The fact is, as hot as you look, and it is quite hot, I wouldn't have said anything. When I talk about people being evil, I could cite quotes or dig up statistics, but those are just words and numbers. I think we could have a little more fun if I express myself in song. * Evil woman * * Ba na na na na * * Evil woman * That's my time, everybody. Thank you very much. Yeah!
Jean: At the end of round one, City College: 50, Greendale: 8.
Jeff: I only got 8?
Jean: She got 8. You got 0. It's a debate. Not "American Idol".
Simmons: Nice work, LA Law. All sizzle, no steak.
Jeff: I don't care, dude. I'm doing this for a parking space.
Coach: Let's go, boys. Come on, let's go. I want to see some hustlers out here. Let's go.
Whitman: By Zeus, what sort of jackassery is this? We're in the middle of a championship debate.
Coach: We reserved the gym for practice.
Dean Pelton: Uh, yep. They reserved it. Okay, they've got us by the short ones. The debate is suspended until tomorrow. Hopefully, by then, we can get our act together.
Coach: Oh, great try, Bruce! Great try.
Annie: Jeff, wait, when are we getting together to prepare for tomorrow? Never, because it's stupid, and I don't care. [Greendale human being mumbling]
Jeff: Bite me.
Annie: Maybe Simmons is right. You really are all sizzle and no steak. You probably couldn't beat him if you tried.
Jeff: What do you mean I can't beat him? You and I are gonna study harder than we've ever studied before and beat "City College" tomorrow.
Jeff: No, who am I, "iCarly"?
Annie: Abed is right. You act like things don't bother you, but they do. Look, six months ago, I was a lawyer. I wore suits. I used to say stuff like, "objection" and "sidebar". Now I'm losing a community college debate to Jeremy "soul patch" Simmons.
Simmons: Hey, Winger. You like to sing? I like to sing too. * Zero for Winger * * Ba na na na na na * Kick that. * Was a big shot lawyer * * Ba na na na na na na * * Now he's a loooooser *
Annie: Lay off, Simmons. Jeff didn't understand the rules.
Simmons: Yeah? What's your excuse, "eight points"?
Jeff: Dude, leave her out of this.
Simmons: * Little Annie Adderall * Was an outcast in high school *
Jeff: That's it. Dude, we are gonna debate the living crap out of you. We've got some preparing to do.
Troy: I liked you better when you were smoking.
Britta: I'm so sorry.
Troy: No, you're right. My feet are long and stupid. You can't unring that bell.
Shirley: Oh, no.
Abed: That's my newspaper.
Shirley: What do you need a paper for? You knew what was gonna happen yesterday, you middle-eastern magic eight ball. Pierce hurt his leg, Britta made Troy cry. What's my destiny? Am I gonna die in a car? Is it gonna happen soon?
Abed: Shirley, I have no psychic abilities. I'm just an entertainer. But if it'll make you feel any better, here, let me show you what I'm working on.
Shirley: I'm sorry. Is that me being chased down by a werewolf?
Abed: Yeah. And that's how you'd behave in that situation, no?
Shirley: The situation being me being chased down by a werewolf.
Shirley: And that's Jeff locking lips with Annie.
Abed: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Shirley: You're a fool.
Annie: So, in the experiment, Stanford students were divided into prisoners and guards. The guards immediately started...
Abed: What's wrong?
Jeff: I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.
Annie: It's called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.
Jeff: I hate it.
Annie: Well, get used to it. You're knee-deep in it now, brother. This is debate. If you want to win, you need to prepare.
Jeff: Well, agreed, but if you want to win, you need to loosen up. Go off book, robot debater.
Annie: Oh, my gosh. You're right. Simmons is so good at using his inherent magnetism to sell his points, and here I am, like a spinster librarian with my hair pulled back.
Annie: What do you think?
Shirley: Be careful. Abed thinks you two are gonna kiss. Ridiculous.
Jeff: Us. Kissing. That is ridiculous.
Annie: Totally. We should get back to work.
Jeff: Yes. Um, okay. The people are inherently evil. Ooh, we can use this Hobbes quote. "Man is a collection" "of base animal urges." "To act on them and experience" "sinful pleasure would be morally no different" "than taking a breath." That's poignant, right?
Jeff: Yeah. You know, maybe we should study alone.
Annie: Aha. That way we can be more reproductive... productive!
Annie: Bye. [awkwardly tries to hug] Oh, you forgot your phone.
Jeff: Well, I can get another one.
Pierce: The next time you even see a cigarette, you will think of things that disgust you. And while you're under so deep, you'll find yourself attracted to slightly older men. Perhaps, some barrel-chested stud with just enough tummy to love. You'll want to buy him dinner, then go back to his hot tub. Perhaps, you'll invite one of your friends to join us for a three-way. Maybe someone with low self-esteem and slightly larger breasts.
Britta: Go to hell, you disgusting pig.
Britta: Pierce, I was awake the whole time. I was faking it.
Pierce: I know. I saw you. What do you think I am, some kind of a joke?
Britta: No. No, I was trying to make you feel better about yourself.
Pierce: How dare you pity me? I may be a little older, my ideas may seem weird, and my fashion sense may cause envy. But I have a lot to offer. And I will not be pitied. Do not help me up.
Simmons: And as German poet Franz Wickmeyer once wrote... "Snow falls from the heavens pure." "We cannot blame the snow for being..." "soiled by the earth." Man is good.
Troy: [sobs] What? That dude gets it.
Whitman: Jeff Winger will now offer a two minute rebuttal.
Simmons: Hey, sizzle. What are you gonna sing tonight? I'm in the mood for some Shade.
Jeff: In the Stanford prison experiment, 21 out of 21 students, when given absolute power, abused and tortured their fellow students. My competitor likens people to pure, falling snow. I would respond, "there is none righteous." "No, not one." Now I realize Mr. Simmons' quote was from the great Franz Wickmeyer. Mine was just from a simple desert handyman named Jesus.
Shirley: Oh, that's nice!
Annie: Survival of the fittest wires an impulse to eliminate people into our hearts.
Simmons: Mother Teresa. Joan of Arc.
Annie: Nuclear bombs.
Simmons: Nuclear families.
Jeff: Abu Ghraib.
Simmons: Apu from the "Simpsons".
Whitman: Double rejoinder.
Simmons: Organ donors.
Jeff: Hate crimes.
Jeff: Ketchup is a vegetable.
Pierce: This is a real barn-burner. God, did I just say cross-burner?
Shirley: No, you did not.
Pierce: Oh, God.
Annie: We make an amazing team.
Jeff: I know. We're so in sync. We’re like a perfect duet or great s... Hey, Professor Whitman.
Whitman: Jeffrey. Your preparation was impeccable. You remind me of a young me with slightly worse hair.
Dean Pelton: I just checked with the judges. They'll need a miracle to win in rebuttal. Simmons is finished.
Britta: This is too much for me. Whoa, whoa, whoa wait. He's going off book.
Shirley: Why is he ripping up the cards? Doesn't he need the cards?
Annie: It's a gambit. [Simmons launches himself off wheelchair]
Simmons: He hates me. Yet he caught me.
Simmons: Man is good.
Shirley: Abed, Abed.
Annie: He was horny. So he dropped him. Man is evil.
Jean: Greendale wins.
Dean Pelton: Eat that, Simmons. * Alabama, Arkansas * * I do love my ma and pa *
Britta: Ugh, God
Annie: That off book enough for ya? * Not the way that I do love you * * Ah, home * * Let me come home *
Troy: Simmons got robbed.
Shirley: They kissed. You do have powers. I'm gonna die by werewolf.
Abed: Shirley, I don't have powers. Trust me. In my next film, we discover that Pierce is an actual genius.
Shirley: Well, that's not gonna happen.
Abed: No, it's not.
Britta: Pierce, I can't smoke a cigarette without thinking of a three-way in your hot tub. You did it.
Pierce: Yes. I did?
Britta: You're a genius.
Pierce: Ah! Who's the third?
Dean Pelton: You did great in there!
Whitman: Let's take this bacchanalia outside. Full moon tonight.
Dean Pelton: Whoo!
Annie: Well, I'm going this way, so...
Jeff: Well, um, congratulations, buddy.
Annie: Thanks, pal. Just pat me.
[Abed’s Abed beat boxing]
Abed’s Troy: Donde, está, la biblioteca. Me llamo T-Bone La araña de discoteca.
Abed’s Abed: Discoteca, muñeca, La biblioteca Está en bigotes grandes, el perro, la manteca.
Abed’s Troy: Manteca.
Troy: Cut, cut. Let me ask you a question. Do you hate this? Do you hate doing this? Do you? Let me talk to you. Can I talk to you for a second? Just hold on. What is this? I don't know. They're just trying to do what they're gonna do.
Abed: Uh, just have fun with it. Take 36.