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Season 1 - Episode 10
"Environmental Science"
Written by Zach Paez
Directed by Seth Gordon
Original Air Date: 11/19/2009
Transcribed by Priscilla T.
 
Dean Pelton: [blowing] Okay, you can hear this? Okay. Good morning. I'm here to kick off the first day of new tradition at our school called "green week."
Pierce: what? First, we give a month to black history, now we're blowing seven days on the Irish.
Dean Pelton: All this week, Greendale college is becoming so earth-smart that we're Changing our name to Envirodale! [sparse clapping]
Starburns: but we were already called Greendale. [chuckles and murmured agreement]
Dean Pelton: well, there's, um, also going to be a free rock and roll concert by a certain band called green day. [more clapping, whistling] huh? That make you happy?
Starburns: Eh, no. Not really.
Dean Pelton: [whispering] okay, we need to redo these.
Assistant: We printed 5,000.
Dean Pelton: Well, print 5,000 more. I'm trying to save the planet, here.
 
Señor Chang: Pencils down. [clears throat, drags Annie outside classroom]
Annie: I wasn’t-
Señor Chang: I want you all to write a one-page essay, in Espanol, entitled, Annie's mistake.
Pierce: Why doesn't Annie have to write it?
Señor Chang: okay, two pages, entitled, the consequences of questioning authority.
Shirley: This is Spanish 101. I know how to say "hello," "tomorrow," and that tables are female. That's the only Spanish you taught us.
Señor Chang: Oh, six pages on ignorance.
Britta: Guys, put your hands down. Senor Chang, please continue. We respect your authority.
Señor Chang: Thank you, Britta. 20 pages on ass kissing! Due on Monday.
Annie: [from outside] This Monday? [opening theme]
 
Pierce: you know, if senor Chang gets any crazier, he's gonna win one of those Grammy awards.
[laughing]
Annie: I’ve already reported him to the dean. He said they've been trying to fire him for three years, but nobody wants his job.
Shirley: Mm-mm, I can't write a 20-page paper. I got a presentation in my marketing class on Friday and public speaking gives me the nervous sweats.
Pierce: I can help you with that.
Shirley: I accept. That's how messed up things are.
Troy: Well, we're screwed too. We're three days behind on our biology lab.
Abed: The reason it's taking so long is because troy's afraid--
Troy: I’m not afraid, abed. I choose not to be around rats because they are unpopular. Same goes for centipedes and lakes.
Britta: There's only one solution. Someone has to go to Chang and talk to him.
Annie: I vote we all look at Jeff at the same time.
Jeff: In a way, all of you are right. Okay, what was I tuning out? You have to get Chang t call off some of this homework. You're the one with the silver tongue.
Pierce: Yeah, go tongue Chang.
Jeff: Guys, what makes you think I can convince Chang of anything if I can't even convince you not to make me do it?
Shirley: I guess it sounds crazy.
Group: Oh...
Troy: Jeff does raise a good point.
Pierce: I don't get it.
Troy: Wait, you are convincing! [all gasps]
Britta: you just made us Change.
Shirley: You could do it.
Jeff: You want me to risk the "c" that I’m pulling in that psycho's class by putting myself on his radar? I mean, that guy goes any more nuts, he's gonna win a Grammy. [laughter]
Troy: you are hilarious.
Abed: That's very funny.
Shirley: He's funny.
Pierce: What is it, the chair?
Britta: Jeff, how do you think you're gonna keep pulling a "c" in that psycho's class if he keeps assigning this much work?
Jeff: Because I have you guys.
Annie: Well, guess what, handsome hobo. Your gravy train's leavin' the station. [imitates train]
Troy: ignore what she's doing. We are serious.
Jeff: Fine. I'll do it. But when you find my body, don't believe the suicide note.
 
Dean Pelton: Hmm. This better not awaken anything in me. [knocks]
Assistant: Green day's here.
Dean Pelton: Oh, wow. Okay, what's this about, now?
Greene Daeye: We're Greene Daeye.
Dean Pelton: Oh.
 
[knocks]
Señor Chang: what do you want, Winger? Here to complain about the homework on behalf of the class?
Jeff: Can I ask you a personal question, senor Chang? [laughs]
Señor Chang: okay, Freud. Sure. You try to penetrate my psychological armor, and--
Jeff: did your wife leave you?
Señor Chang: Holy-- [gasps] how did you know?
Jeff: Well, when you pick juries, you learn to read the little stuff. Same shirt twice in one week. Teaching us the word "esposa" means "liar." the picture of you with a woman with a post-it note dialogue balloon above her head that says, "enjoy it while it lasts."
Señor Chang: we met at a salsa club.
Jeff: Mm.
Señor Chang: And, um... She loved the way I danced. But...I mean, you know how it goes. Just--get a job...
Jeff: Stop salsa dancing. Of course I know.
Señor Chang: You make no mistake about this, Winger. I pleasured that woman greatly.
Jeff: Yeah. You look like you would have to. I'm not surprised you said that.
Señor Chang: I like you, Winger. Pickled bull testicle?
Jeff: Uh, are you offering or collecting? [air hisses]
 
Student: * Mary had a little lamb * * little lamb, little lamb... *
Garrett: * row, row, row your boat *
Abed: * somewhere out there * troy, sing. The assignment is to train a rat to respond to a specific song.
Troy: Yeah, did you have to pick a duet? Hmm?
Abed: Hmm?
Troy/Abed: * somewhere out there * * beneath the pale moonlight *
Abed: he did it! Good boy, Fievel. Commencing reward. I have to open the cage.
Troy: Yeah, you don't have to warn me; I’m not afrai-- [screams] [screaming] [laughter]
Abed: Fievel.
Troy: Everybody shut up! I'll kick all your asses! But y'all have to come up here!
 
Jeff: [laughs] dude, you are gonna be fine.
Señor Chang: Ah. Yeah.
Jeff: You just have to move on. And if you hang out with me sometime, you will see how great single life can be.
Señor Chang: Yeah?
Jeff: Yeah.
Señor Chang: What about tonight?
Jeff: Absolutely. Oh, shoot. My Spanish study group has to get together every night now. You know, you have been really letting us have it with this homework.
Señor Chang: I really have, haven't I?
Jeff: Yeah.
Señor Chang: Tell you what. For my new buddy Jeff, essay cancelled. Sha-clackey.
Jeff: Fantastic. That is fantastic. Everybody will be so happy.
Señor Chang: Oh, oh, I didn't say everybody. It's for my new friend Jeff. I mean, you're the one coming out with me, right?
Jeff: Right. Yeah.
Señor Chang: I suppose it will put you in an unenviable and uncomfortable position, and want to be--
Jeff: Here's your jacket. Let's do this. [knocks]
Abed: Is there a rat in here?
Jeff: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Señor Chang: Abed.
Abed: El Tigre
 
Britta: Well, did you talk to Chang?
Jeff: Yeah, but it didn't do any good. My head still hurts from all the yelling. And my pupils are more sensitive to light because he yelled at me so much.
Annie: Oh, now I feel bad that we made you do that. Maybe we can help with your essay.
Jeff: Oh, that's okay. I'm working on mine by myself. You could do my homework next time. See you in class.
Britta: He's hiding something.
Annie: Britta, Jeff suffered for us. Give him a little credit.
Troy: Yeah. You can be pretty cold.
Abed: Troy?
Troy: Damn. Here comes abed. He needs my help. I got to get out of here.
Abed: Troy? Have you guys seen a rat? Troy knocked over Fievel's cage and he escaped.
Britta: Oh, abed, I’m sorry. He probably found more rats and is very happy living with them.
Abed: Try to join the rest of us in reality, Britta.
 
Shirley: [trembling voice] I believe that, uh, fusing brownies with the, uh, internet is going to create the next napster [clears throat] for brownies.
Pierce: Yawn!
Shirley: Can't I just write it on cards?
Pierce: No. Do you know anybody who reads from cards?
Shirley: No
Pierce: No, you don't, and that's why. Also you might consider a darker top.
Shirley: Note taken.
Pierce: Oh, and... [laughs] don't--don't, uh, lock your knees. Never lock your knees. You know what happen when you lock your knees? You die.
Shirley: Oh
Pierce: Second, when you want to drive home a point, hand them a sandwich. Try it. Hand them a sandwich.
Shirley: Hand them a sandwich.
Pierce: Yeah, except you just dropped, uh, the sandwich, as opposed to handing it to them.
Shirley: Hand them--oh, okay.
Pierce: Right. So yeah. And try attention-grabbing words to wake up the audience such as, uh, "multiple orgasm."
Shirley: oh, no, no, I don't think that would really fit into my message. Maybe we should focus, uh, more on, um, uh...
Pierce: Yeah, and about these filler words of yours. I mean, nobody wants to buy brownies from somebody who says, "um," and "like." I have a method for fixing that. Start from the top.
Shirley: Okay. [clears throat] these brownies are, um--
Pierce: uh!
Shirley: They, um--
Pierce: uh!
Shirley: These brownies are... Delicious. They taste like--
Pierce: like!
Shirley: That's not a filler word. Whatever, valley girl.
 
Señor Chang: the difference between usted and tu is a matter of formality. Pepe usted es viejo "you are old." Alberto usted es feo "you are ugly."
Shirley: no, you're not, abed.
Abed: Thanks.
Señor Chang: Shakira... Shakira... Il Tu Paco Westside Usted está sucia "you are dirty." [gasps]
Troy: Dude
Señor Chang: still formal, but plural. Because, while both are dirty, neither are my friends. Okay? And, on another subject, hope you guys are working hard on your essays. Because that's gonna be 30% of your grade. [all gasp]
Shirley: no.
Señor Chang: Jeff...Already turned in his essay. Great job.
Jeff: Thanks.
Señor Chang: As soon as you turn in your essays on Monday, there's gonna be a big-ass quiz. So study hard. Class dismissed.
Jeff: Ahh. [laughing] hey, dude.
Señor Chang: Crazy night last night, man.
Jeff: Hey, when you go out with me, it gets crazy. That's the Winger guarantee, huh?
Señor Chang: Dude, let's do it again.
Jeff: Ooh, yeah, I want to. It's just the quiz, you know? Study, study.
Señor Chang: Well, how 'bout this? Bling. A-plus. Nice work, Winger!
Jeff: You know, I knew I could do it if I applied myself.
 
[both laughing]
Jeff: Cher--cherry daiquiri. [laughing]
Señor Chang: cherry daiquiri!
Jeff: Daiquiri.
Señor Chang: [weakly] uh-huh. Later.
Annie: You devious clump of overpriced fabric and hair product.
Shirley: Speaking as one of the meek, as soon as I inherit the earth, you a dead man.
Troy: You got a weird forehead.
Britta: We're all very disappointed.
Pierce: All right, dial it back a little, Britta.
Jeff: If anyone should be disappointed, it's me. What kind of a group threatens to kick someone out unless he helps them?
Pierce: What kind of a person is asked to help other people and then helps himself!
All: Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Jeff: Helps himself? I don't think I like being talked to that way!
Britta: He's using fake outrage to justify leaving.
Jeff: fake outrage? Justify my-- yeah, that's it. I'm out of here.
Annie: Oh, you're breaking up with the group?
Jeff: That's what you guys want.
Pierce: It's all right, I’ve been divorced seven times. Don't answer your phones and bury all your money in the backyard.
 
Señor Chang: Here you go. Look at pierce's paragraph from unit two.
Jeff: Let's see. "I took a computer class at..." tienda de manzana the apple store. Adorable.
Señor Chang: Keep going, keep going.
Jeff: and the saleswoman had manzanas gigante. Ruined it.
Señor Chang: Can you imagine being married to him?
Jeff: Seven times! Seven different women agreed to marry that guy. It’s cra-- [laughing]
Señor Chang: [high-pitched sobbing] I’m so alone. I'm so lonely! I want to die.
Jeff: Come on man, it-- come on, don't do that. [catching his breath]
Señor Chang: I... Just miss her so much.
Jeff: Yeah.
Señor Chang: [sobbing] I’m sorry. This is so stupid.
Jeff: No, no, it's fine. It's just--buddy, you know...
Señor Chang: It's dumb!
Jeff: I can see that you're hurting. Um, but I have to get to accounting. And it's not like I’m hitting strip clubs with professor Whitman.
Señor Chang: You better not be!
Jeff: What?
Señor Chang: All I ask [sniffles] is for you to keep filling the void in my soul.
Jeff: Well, I’ll have to think of something.
Señor Chang: Let me rest gently on your pecs.
 
Pierce: Best closer to a presentation, a Nicholson quote. Uh, you take a phrase from one of his films and you tailor it to your product. You can't handle a moist towelette! Something like that, you know? But you can't use that one. That's--that's mine.
Shirley: Thanks, pierce.
Pierce: Sure.
Shirley: I'm just gonna write it on some cards.
Pierce: Okay. Just don't let anybody know I was involved.
Troy: Why do you care so much?
Pierce: I don't.
Abed: Because Fievel's going to die.
Pierce: I'd rather die than listen.
Annie: Who's going to die?
Shirley: Yeah.
Abed: The dean says the exterminator is coming because of our rat.
Pierce: I'd like to exterminate this conversation.
Britta: What are you doing? He's sitting in Jeff's chair, so he's trying to act like Jeff.
All: Oh! [groaning] Ohh.
Pierce: Oh, an email.
Abed: I thought you might want to help me out because we are friends.
Troy: Abed, take it from a former prom king. Real friends help me with things. Not vice versa.
Abed: I would face my fears to help you.
Troy: Exactly! 'cause you're my friend.
Abed: Am I? * somewhere * * out there *
Shirley: Oh, abed.
Abed: * beneath the pale... *
Pierce: He gets any nuttier, they're gonna put him on the view. [laughter]
Troy: That works, yeah.
Pierce: What are we gonna do? We gonna study? Oh, my—
 
Abed: Fievel? Fievel? Fievel? [whispers] Fievel.
 
Dean Pelton: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! [laughs] okay, thank you. Green week was a rousing success here at Greendale. [laughs] and now for our band, Greene Daeye! By the way, they're not the real green day. Thought we should just rip that band-aid off quickly. Okay! [audience groans and boos]
Señor Chang: [laughing] hey!
Jeff: Hey
Señor Chang: What's up? Just got your text, man. Wanna hang out? 'cause if you don't, I will fail you.
Jeff: Actually, I had an idea for an extra credit project.
Greene Daeye: [Irish accent] we've been asked to dedicate our first song to senor and senora Chang [gasps]
Señor Chang: she said she didn't want to talk to me.
Jeff: I didn't tell her you wanted to talk.
 
Shirley: Estimation of market value of--of--of brownies has-- ahem! I, uh-- target group--
Teacher: Ms. Bennett, I’m afraid I have to ask you to put down the cards.
Abed: * somewhere * * out there * * beneath the pale moonlight *
Shirley: uh... I--I--
Abed: * someone's * * thinking of me * * and loving me tonight * [up-tempo Irish jig]
Troy: * somewhere * * out there * * someone's saying a prayer *
Shirley: they are...Wonderful. We all love...Brownies.
Troy: * one another *
Shirley: They’re delicious if you love brownies, you love life.
Troy: * somewhere out there *
Abed: * and even though I know * * how very far apart we are * * it helps to think we might be wishing *
Shirley: Orgasmicly delicious
Abed: * on the same bright star * * and when the night wind starts to sing * * a lonesome lullaby * * it helps to think we're sleeping * * underneath that same big sky *
Señor Chang: * aah *
Together: * somewhere * * out there * * if love can see us through *
Shirley: Here’s brownie! * then we'll be together * * somewhere out there * * out where dreams * * come true *
Troy: [high-pitched screaming] aah, it's on my leg! It's on my leg! It's on my leg! Aaaaah!
Abed: Disgusting!
 
Britta: What's Chang doing? [cheers and applause]
Jeff: He's getting a refill on his void.
Shirley: I got an "a" on my presentation, and a lot of the credit goes to pierce.
Pierce: Heh. And I had a great sandwich.
Troy: We found the stupid rat. And Abed's gonna shut up about it now.
Abed: It's true.
Señor Chang: I have something to say. I've been a horrible husband. And I’ve been a horrible teacher. And I’d like to thank my student Jeff Winger for showing me that and helping me fix my marriage. No more 20-page essays due on Monday!
Shirley: Oh, that's nice!
Jeff: Thank you.
Señor Chang: Although, Winger, you should write a one-page essay called taking advantage of the emotionally-vulnerable. [thud] booyah.
Britta: You did that for us?
Jeff: Mm, kinda. [Irish jig playing] you know, I thought hanging out with you guys was the worst way to pass Spanish. I was wrong.
Pierce: Uh, we're the best.
Abed: Jeff, I’m sorry I called you a handsome hobo. If you need help with that essay, you can rejoin the group.
Jeff: Thanks. What are you guys talking to me for? You go dance!
[squeals]
Pierce: I know your secret. I know about the chair.
 
Troy: Whoa, what model did you get?
Abed: It's the tsunami anniversary edition. You?
Troy: The devil's drench xj-11. This is gonna be awesome. We should establish base camps. What part of the library do you want?
Abed: I'll take the northeast. Northeast is closest to the drinking fountain--
Pierce: all right, guys, are we gonna do this thing?
Troy: [laughing] pierce. I hope that's the tiny gun that you throw at us to confuse us while you grab the giant gun that's duct-taped to your back. Seriously, this hardly seems like a fair fight.
[Pierce sprays Abed and Troy]
Troy: oh, it's pepper water! Oh, it's pep-- who puts pepper in water?