Season 1 - Episode 11
"Politics of Human Sexuality"
Written by Hilary Winston
Directed by Anthony Russo
Original Air Date: 12/3/2009
Transcribed by Priscilla T.
Annie: So I booked a sketch artist, an improve troupe, and there'll be a laser projecting a burning pelvis onto the ceiling.
Dean Pelton: A laser! Well, this isn't gonna be your mother sexually transmitted disease awareness fair You've been quite the little helper, Annie.
Annie: Oh, STD fair, guys Catch knowledge.
Troy: You think you're better than me?
Troy: You stick to quotin' movie lines. I'll stick to sports.
Abed: I'm trying to reduce my pop-cultural referencing.
Troy: Well, you're not moving into sports. You and I are playing real basketball, right now.
Abed: Sounds fun.
Troy: No, it doesn't! And it won't be.
Annie: Catch knowledge.
Jeff: Sorry, not interested... In ignoring your very important cause. Hi, I’m Jeff Winger.
Dean Pelton: Oh, Sabrina is my new secretary.
Sabrina: "secretary" is a little degrading to women. I help the dean do officey things.
Britta: Oh, gender saved.
Jeff: My casual friend and I are gonna have a non-romantic breakfast if you'd like to join us.
Annie: The cafeteria's closed while we set up for the fair. Fortune cookie?
Dean Pelton: Isn't it great? Greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of public health fever!
Britta: You know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right?
Dean Pelton: Because they keep getting stolen. Sabrina, take a note. I want hidden cameras in every stall.
Britta: Problem solved.
Jeff: "you will get aids."
Annie: flip it over. "unless you go to the STD fair."
Annie: I wrote that.
Jeff: Congratu... Horrible!
Annie: See you later.
Pierce: Jeff... You and I are friends, right?
Pierce: You may have noticed a recent change in my demeanor.
Jeff: I haven't.
Pierce: Well, I have a new girlfriend. And she is super smart, if you know what I mean.
Jeff: Unfortunately, I always know what you mean.
Pierce: Can't wait for you to meet her. You know, when you catch a big fish, you want to stuff her and put her on the mantle. How 'bout tonight?
Jeff: I doubt it.
Abed: Troy and I played basketball. It was fun.
Troy: Don't gloat. It's impossible to guard you. Your eyes are too gentle and mysterious.
Pierce: Hey, guys, Jeff and I are double-dating tonight with my new girlfriend.
Jeff: You got that from "I doubt it"?
Shirley: Pierce has got a girlfriend!
Britta: That's great. What does she do?
Pierce: She's an escort.
Jeff: Some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?
Pierce: No, no, no, that's just her profession. She doesn't escort me. No, no. I met her in my marketing class. And I’m taking Doreen to Annie's mixer tonight.
Annie: You mean the STD fair. Catch knowledge.
Troy: Taking a call girl to an STD fair. There's a joke here.
Pierce: So, Jeff, dust off that black book and rustle up a honey, huh?
Jeff: Is there a pill that makes the word "no" clearer?
Pierce: Well, I guess it is pretty short notice. Probably couldn't get a date anyway.
Jeff: I'm sure you're right.
Troy: Maybe it has something to do with crabs. They're like a food, but they're also a disease.
Pierce: You know, I wonder, Jeffrey, for all your feather flashing, when was the last time you actually scored?
Jeff: Well, I don't know the precise date, Pierce, because I’m not you, so there's no receipt. Ooohh...
Jeff: Oh, come on.
Shirley: Jeff, you shouldn't take potshots at some poor woman just because you can't get a date.
Jeff: I can get dates anytime I want. What is this, some kind of joke?
Troy: No. This is. "don't eat the crab dip." yay-yay!
Dean Pelton: Ah... You hear that, Annie? That's the sound of STDs screaming, "no! Stop being so aware of us!" aah! And it's all thanks to you.
Annie: I was voted most likely to succeed at my rehab clinic.
Dean Pelton: Well, in recognition of all your hard work, I have decided that you should conduct the condom demonstration. You're gonna be center stage showing everyone how to put a condom on a, well, what my dad called a jimmy carter.
Annie: Um, I don't know if I’m the right person for that.
Dean Pelton: Don't worry, not a real one. No, it's an anatomically correct model, you know. But trust me, eyes closed, you can't tell the difference. Okay.
Jeff: Hey, it's Jeff Winger. Well, I wanted to see what you were doing tonight. What do you mean, do I know your name? What kind of a question is that? Of course I know. Well, if I answer now, you'll never learn a valuable lesson about trust, Jennifer. Crap! Ahh...
Britta: Pierce really got to you, huh?
Jeff: It has been a dry spell. But that's only because it's been a while since I’ve tried. So I’m trying.
Britta: Yeah, I can see that. This is a lot of outgoing calls. "car wash redhead. Tube top, REM concert." "juror number six." that sounds aboveboard. At least you have "mommy" in here.
Jeff: It's not my mom.
Britta: Dude, not cool.
Jeff: You saying "dude" is not cool. What are you doing?
Britta: Heh! "hot blonde, Spanish class"?
Jeff: You're welcome.
Britta: This is the phone book of a man in his 20s. The women literally have no identities. It's pretty shallow.
Jeff: You're right. I can't believe I haven't seen it before now.
Britta: Whatever. I'm gonna go study with Shirley.
Jeff: Well, I’ll be here... Rethinking my way of life.
Jeff: Call mommy.
Annie: Guys... I have a problem. The dean wants me to demonstrate the proper use of a condom at the stupid fair by putting one on a mannequin's stupid... Thingamabob. It's a big honor... But I’m gonna screw it up.
Shirley: Well, it's easy enough to practice. Britta, do you have a banana?
Annie: This is an anatomically correct model I’ll be handling. Real... Whatch a macallits... Are nothing like bananas! Are they?
Britta: Have you never seen one?
Shirley: Annie.. Being a virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of. You're like a unicorn.
Annie: I am not a unicorn I had relations with my high school boyfriend. We did it to Madonna’s erotica on the floor of his walk-in closet. But he wouldn't let me look at it. And he cried after. And during. He's gay now.
Britta: I think he was gay then.
Shirley: So you, uh, you never seen one when you were growing up? Like, you know, on the internet, in a picture, or Harvey Keitel’s?
Annie: I've caught glimpses, but I’ve never got a real good look at one. What I need to do is practice on the actual model, but the dean has it locked in his office.
Britta: Okay, that's easy enough. We'll go to him and we'll ask him...
Annie: No! This is really embarrassing. I don't want anyone to know. I just want to figure out how to do it and get it over with. The dean is counting on me, and I want him to know that I’m someone he can trust. We have to break into his office.
Shirley: I actually have no problem with that.
Britta: I think I could do that.
Pierce: Oh, hello, Jeffrey.
Jeff: Hi, Pierce.
Pierce: I was just going into the fair to wait for my smokin'-hot date.
Jeff: That's nice.
Pierce: How 'bout you? Were you ever able to, you know, come up with a, you know, date?
Jeff: No, no. Because I didn't try. Because taking a date to an STD fair would be lame.
Pierce: Don't worry about it, kid. What you're going through is a dry spell. From my experience, they don't last any more than 12, 13 years. Excuse me.
Dean Pelton: Please, please, please, no, gonorrhoea. Ow, it burns! Oh, that's gonna hurt.
Jeff: Gross. Dean, you’re assistant. Is she single? What are her likes and dislikes?
Dean Pelton: Uh, yes on single. She likes hip-hop and horses. Dislikes beards and... Yeah, I was done talking.
Jeff: Is it me, or are horses the most beautiful creatures? They're so majestic.
Jeff: I mean, just this morning when I was shaving and listening to the new jay-z, I was thinking about how I want to squeeze in a quick gallop this weekend.
Sabrina: Do you own a horse?
Jeff: Can you ever really own a horse?
Jeff: Pierce. Yeah. This is Sabrina. About 30 seconds after you walked away, I asked her to be my date for the fair, and she said yes.
Pierce: Oh, you must have a great personality.
Sabrina: Thank you.
Pierce: Congratulations, Jeff. You proved me wrong.
Jeff: You got a girl. Yeah, I did.
Pierce: Oh, this is Doreen. Ready for our double date?
Jeff: Yes, I am. Wait, how'd you do that?
Dean Pelton: Is this the best safe sex fair or what? Check out these condoms. All along the side it says "Greendale"! Exclamation point, my idea.
Jeff: Wow, me in a dune buggy. With syphilis. This is going on the fridge.
Pierce: Hey, look how gorgeous Doreen is tonight.
Jeff: Hey, can we... Let's lay out our plans for the evening. You wing man me, I wing man you. Maybe we split up for a little hoo-ha. And then meet in the morning for eggs and... Details.
Pierce: That sounds like the worst combination plate ever.
Troy: Ugh! I can't believe you beat me again!
Abed: You want my stuffed animal?
Troy: Aah! We're arm wrestling. Ugh!
Abed: Oh, like Stallone in over the top. But I’m not sure of all the rules. Don't I need a semi truck and a ten-year-old son?
Troy: The rules are you suck! Let's go!
Abed: Uh, I want to wait for a more inspiring song. This score isn't right. There we go.
Troy: Aah! Oh my god! You broke my hand, you bastard.
Britta: I can't do anything with this.
Shirley: Hmm, let me see that. Ooh, I can see through the door. Oh, yeah. Tharp she blows.
Britta: Ooh, I wanna see! I wanna see!
Shirley: Okay, go, go, go. Shh.
Annie: I'm the one that needs to see.
Britta: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Shirley: It's okay.
Annie: Oh, boy. Oh, I had it wroooong! Is that considered large?
Security Guard: What in the reverse porky's is going on here?
Pierce: You know, Doreen speaks six languages. You should hear her order wine in French. Hey, honey, say caber-net sauv-a-gong-da-nun.
Doreen: Pierce, you're embarrassing me.
Jeff: Do you know a lot about wine?
Doreen: Well, I did have a client who owned a vineyard in Napa. He was into s&m and merlot, so we called it s&m&m.
Pierce: Honey, you're boring the crap out of Jeff.
Sabrina: Be right back. I have to make tinkles.
Pierce: Well, then, I’m gonna go get us another round.
Jeff: You know, you are not what I expected. You're smart, you're classy. You're not wearing go-go boots.
Doreen: They're in the shop. You know, despite what most people think, I actually spend most of my time talking. As men get older, they want to spend their time with someone they can have a real conversation with.
Jeff: That is going to suck.
Doreen: "going to", Jeff? Look, Sabrina’s cute, but she thinks that Monty python is the evil snake from harry potter.
Jeff: Trust me, I know girls I can converse with who are way more annoying. I will take "tinkles" over "we need to talk" every time.
Sabrina: Hey, babe. Ready to show me that Lexus?
Jeff: I thought you'd never ask. Doreen... It was very nice to meet you.
Doreen: You can do better.
Pierce: Here. Rrrrr... Oh, they already left? What a couple of nincompoops! Uh, before I buy dinner, I have to ask... Is there any lovemaking on the table?
Doreen: We're through, Pierce. I'm gonna go to the bar, and you can join me if you'd like. And we can still have a lovely evening. But it will cost you 200 bucks.
Pierce: That is a pretty big discount.
Dean Pelton: I had no idea alcohol would make people horny. Makes me sleepy. I don't...
Security Guard: Dean.
Dean Pelton: Yeah.
Security Guard: We have a 597 currently going on in your office.
Dean Pelton: A 597? There's a dog-fighting ring in my office?
Security Guard: No
Dean Pelton: Okay, I’m just gonna turn him around, and we're gonna cover him up. Okay, ladies, I am shocked at the reverse porky's that has happened here tonight.
Britta: I don't see what the big deal is. Annie just needed to look at the model of the pe...
Dean Pelton: Oh, okay, the "p" word has entered into play. That's exactly why I wanted Gail, our school counselor, here, and Monique, who's keeping record, to ensure we discuss these sensitive topics in a legally appropriate manner.
Gail: I think everyone should say penis so we can take away the negative power of the word. Yeah? So, everybody...
Security Guard: She didn't say it.
Dean Pelton: Now, why did you break in to see the penis? Wow, I really do feel more comfortable saying that now, Gail.
Gail: I just want to focus on the girl who won't say penis. This is a judgment-free zone, so express yourself.
Annie: You know what... I don't want to express myself. I don't want to sit in a room full of people and say the "p" word. I like being repressed. I am totally comfortable being uncomfortable with my sexuality. And maybe, just maybe, if everyone were a little bit more like me, we wouldn't have to have an STD fair.
Britta: You go, girl!
Shirley: That's my pumpkin!
Annie: By the way, now that I’ve gotten a good look at one, I don't see what all the fuss was about. A giant thumb in a turtleneck. Whoop-dee-do!
Sabrina: You have a really awesome body. You probably hear that all the time.
Jeff: Not as much as I should.
Sabrina: Oh... Professor...
Jeff: I'm not a professor.
Sabrina: But you're at Greendale... And you're old.
Jeff: I'm a student.
Jeff: Yeah, it's pretty much yikers for me too.
Sabrina: Well, I guess I can make an exception... Professor. Mmm...
Jeff: You know, uh...
Jeff: I can't do this.
Sabrina: What But this is your car.
Jeff: Keep it.
Troy: Yeah! Yes! Yes! How you like those apples?
Abed: I don't like those apples. I'm so upset. It was just a fluke I won those other games.
Señor Chang: Wow, this may be the only STD fair to actually spread STDs.
Dean Pelton: Shut up, Ben!
Student: Condom water balloon fight! What the hell? Dude, these are leaking.
Señor Chang: Oh, my god. That's why you don't print things on condoms. Everyone's getting preggers, and it's all your fault. Oh, god, I love it.
Dean Pelton: Oh, man! Troy! Troy, all the condoms are faulty. As the best athlete on campus, I need you to run to my office and make an announcement before everyone leaves.
Troy: Dean, I am not the best athlete on campus. Abed is. I know you let me win the race.
Abed: But you didn't say anything.
Troy: That's because... I wanted it to be true.
Abed: You're a really good friend.
Troy: No, abed... You are.
Dean Pelton: For the love of god, run!
Troy: Go, abed, go, before people sex one another!
Pierce: There he is. Back already. Detail time?
Jeff: I stopped. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, she's hot. I think this place is sapping my life force.
Pierce: Oh, it's not Greendale, Jeff, it's you. You're becoming more mature. I mean, a man reaches a point in his life where he stops looking for a place to hang his underwear and starts looking for a place to hang his hat.
Jeff: Oh, I’m sorry, I was waiting for that to become inappropriate or racist. What happened to Doreen?
Pierce: Oh, uh, she said if I wanted to continue the night I’d have to pay.
Jeff: Oh, man, that... That is rough.
Pierce: Oh, no, it was a wake-up call. Doreen's a very special lady. I did not treat her right. I have stuff to work on, you know?
Jeff: You'll get there.
Pierce: We're both gonna get there. Here's to being better men.
Pierce: So could I borrow 200 bucks?
Jeff: Tell Doreen I say hi.
Pierce: You know, for 220 I can get the...
Jeff: I'll give you 250 if you don't finish telling me.
Pierce: Ooh, I can get it twice. Ah, college. Best years of our lives.
Abed: Attention, Greendale students. Don't use the condoms! If you're going to have sex tonight, don't use condoms.
[Troy falling asleep]
Abed: The characteristic of an asset to donate or accept a proton cannot be quantified for individual species, comparing two donor acceptor systems the proton transposition Ha + H20…
Abed: Yeah Troy?
Troy: Can you get me a glass of water
Abed: Mm. Yeah, sure.
Troy: Thank you Abed.