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Season 1 - Episode 12
"Comparative Religion"
Written by Liz Cackowski
Directed by Adam Davidson
Original Air Date: 12/10/2009
Transcribed by Priscilla T.
 
Dean Pelton: Happy last day before winter break, Greendale! Time to visit our loved ones. Some of you will travel as far as three miles! Don't forget to visit our winter wonderland in the quad, where we're giving away catalogues of next semester's classes. Whoa, what's that sound? Is that the tippy-tapping of secular boots on the roof? Oh, well, it must be yet another sign that it tis the season, because rumor has it that non-denominational Mr. Winter is on his way to the student lounge! Unh!
 
Shirley: I'm so sick of the Dean jamming his pc-ness down my throat.
Jeff: Pierce, I’d like to commend you for letting that one go.
Pierce: "pc-ness."
Troy: now I get it. It sounds like "penis". I just got it too.
Shirley: Well, it's still Christmas to all of us, and I made you all a little gift, because you're like my new family.
Annie: "w-w-b-j-d"?
Pierce: If this stands for "what would billy Joel do", I’ll tell you right now... He'd write another crappy song.
Troy: Yeah, in your face, billy Joel. Who is that?
Shirley: It stands for "what would baby Jesus do?" and it's to remind us that the real meaning of this season is Christmas.
Britta: Oh, well, thank you, Shirley. I'm gonna put that in the pocket closest to my heart.
Shirley: No, no, no, it's a bracelet. You put 'em on. Everybody put 'em on.
 
School Bully: Hey. Hey! You took all the winter-doodles. What are you, a douche bag?
Abed: They're for my friends But there's a lot of other cookies left.
School Bully: No, there's only macadamia nut cookies there, okay? I have a tree-nut allergy.
Abed: You should probably stay away from Christmas-tree-shaped cookies.
School Bully: Ha ha! That did not even make allergic sense. What are you, an idiot?
Jeff: Okay, we get it. You and the a-team are awesome. Now beat it.
School Bully: Oh, look at that. Pretty boy standing up for bird face over here. Give me a winter-doodle.
Jeff: If you're trying to be menacing, maybe don't call the cookie by its name.
School Bully: Oh, you're funny. You're a funny man. Want to hear something funny, funny man? Knock, knock. My fist up your balls!
Jeff: Who's there?
Dean Pelton: Ha ha ha! Merry happy!
School Bully: This ain't over. There won't always be a Dean around. All right?
Pierce: Still waiting on those cookies, Abed.
 
Abed: Jeff protected my honor. It was like my bodyguard, but I was the kid from meatballs, Jeff was the guy from full metal jacket, and the moustache guy was the brother of the guy on Entourage.
Jeff: Thanks for dumbing that down for us.
Abed: You got it.
Pierce: what's the deal, Jeff? You leave your stones in your other suit? Why didn't you rap that guy in the face?
Jeff: For the same reason that I floss, have a bed frame, and keep my guitar in its case... I'm over 23.
Shirley: I'm proud of you for handling it peacefully, Jeff, like a certain little birthday boy. Real men turn the other cheek. Let's see 'em.
Pierce: Nonsense. Men were wired to fight each other so that women could choose the right mate.
Britta: No, the real reason men fight is to release their pent-up gayness.
Pierce: That guy wasn't gay. He had a moustache.
Jeff: You know what I have? Finals. Are we cramming for Spanish or not? I need a 65 or I’m gonna flunk the class.
Annie: [gasps] Why didn't you do the extra-credit assignments if you knew that you were.. [whispers] Failing?
Jeff: Because doing more than the minimum work is my definition of... [whispers] Failing.
Shirley: Quick question... Are you all coming to my Christmas party right after the final, or are you stopping home to change into your Christmas outfits?
Annie: I guess I could wear one of my Hanukah sweaters.
Shirley: Uh, Annie... I... I didn't know you weren't, um, Christian.
Annie: Yep. One might even say I’m Jewish.
Shirley: Oh, t... That's good for you. T... That's wonderful. I respect all religions of the world.
Abed: I'm Muslim.
Troy: Jehovah's witness.
Britta: Atheist.
Shirley: The lord is testing me.
Jeff: Guys, this is a subject that breeds conflicts. Can we please do...
Abed: What religion are you, Jeff?
Jeff: I'm agnostic. [everyone boos]
Pierce: I'm born-again.
Shirley: Oh.
Pierce: Yeah, we had a re-birthing ritual in my friend's hot tub. I'm now a level-five laser lotus in my Buddhist community.
Britta: Uh, that does not sound like Buddhism. Are you sure you're not in a cult?
Pierce: Just by asking me that question, you've put me back down to a level four. You now owe me 2,000 energon cubes.
Troy: Do you know how foolish you sound right now? What else do you believe in, blood transfusions?
Shirley: Jehovah's witnesses are a type of Christian, right, Troy?
Troy: Yeah, but we don't celebrate birthdays or Christmas, and we can't drink. But it helps.
Abed: So you're like a Muslim. Salaam alaikum.
Troy: Shama-lama-ding-dong.
Shirley: Wow, don't we have a diverse little family. I say we open up this... This party to all faiths. I brought my star of Bethlehem, which led the wise men to the savior of all mankind. And you guys can bring a little trinket or doodad from your philosophies. Sounds good?
Jeff: As an agnostic, I’m gonna bring my winning smile.
Abed: That's not enough.
 
Señor Chang: Ugh! So boring.
Shirley: Done. Hee hee. Hee hee. Hmm. Feliz Navidad.
Jeff: "true or falso or none of the above?" that doesn't make any sense.
School Bully: Hey, look at that. Forehead's taking a test.
Jeff: Why don't you get going, Chuck Norris?
School Bully: Did you just shoo me?
Britta: Why don't you just kiss him already?
School Bully: Dude, I will shoo your nose down your throat!
Jeff: Senor Chang, can you do something about this?
Señor Chang: I'll allow it.
School Bully: Que pasa here, huh? It's usted, dude. Even I know that.
Jeff: You picked the wrong day to correct my Spanish, no sleeves. It's on!
Abed: He's doing this for me. He's my bodyguard.
School Bully: You wanna dance?
Britta: Maybe to some show tunes?
Jeff: No, I want to beat the crap out of you. And I’m gonna enjoy it, because you're just like this school. You're obnoxious, you're cramping my style, and you smell like french-fry oil.
School Bully: I don't get it!
Jeff: [shouts]Three o’clock! Bike rack! But not the one by the parking lot!
School Bully: Right! The one by the trash cans near the orange cones where they're building the wheelchair ramp!
Jeff: Yeah.
Señor Chang: Best exam ever. That guy's awesome, man.
 
Jeff: So help me if that jerk-weed made me fail.
Pierce: Well, I aced it, amigo. That means "cousin".
Abed: So what's my role going to be in the fight? Is there a key moment where I finally stand up for myself and take revenge on the villain?
Jeff: Uh, maybe you should just hang back.
Abed: Yeah I will. In his face!
Jeff: Whatever you do, don't tell Shirley about the fight. She'll start in with all her mother-y, guilt-inducing powers. You know what I mean?
Troy: No. I'm wearing this Jesus bracelet 'cause it gets me chicks.
Pierce: I know guys like this Mike. He used to be a nerd. Now he's a meathead. Dangerous combo. Tyson, Lou Ferrigno, Rosie O'donnell.
Troy: You're a pretty big dude. Probably got some moves.
Jeff: Yeah, I got some... Theories.
Abed: You've never been in a fight?
Jeff: Technically, no. I guess I’m too charming and likable. Call me a name.
Troy: I can't.
Pierce: Are you telling me you've never been punched in the face?
Jeff: No, thank god. This is the moneymaker.
Troy: First time I got punched in the face, I was like, "oh, no!" but then I was like, "this is a story".
Jeff: And a good one.
Troy: Yeah.
Pierce: Every man should be punched in the face. It's a rite of passage. In my day, Friday night was smoke a doobie, feel up a gal, and then get your teeth knocked out by a republican.
Jeff: Guys the plan here isn't for me to get hit. It's for me to hit him.
Pierce: Oh, then it's settled. We have to teach Jeffrey how to fight. I know a few moves. Troy, I assume you're handy with a switch blade. Abed, you get back to the family tent, try to find a chicken for Jeff to chase.
Jeff: Guys, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but, uh, I think I got this.
School Bully: Oh, well, look who it is. We got forehead, old head, dumb head, and, uh... The other head. See you at 3, forehead. Give me a snowman, dork! See this, funny guy? Huh? Huh?
Pierce: Classic Rosie.
Troy: Fight lessons in a half an hour?
Jeff: Good plan.
 
Shirley: *Joy to the world the lord is come, the lord, the lord, the lord* Hello. Oh Is this your Hanukkah holder? It's, uh... It's pretty. We'll just, uh... Let's just put it... There we go. That's nice. So I can't believe I never knew you were a Jew.
Annie: I'd say the whole word next time.
Shirley: So, uh, do you think everyone will start arriving soon?
Annie: I think they're gonna come after Jeff’s fight.
Shirley: After Jeff’s what now? Jeff wants to fight that bully.
Shirley: On Christmas? Um, will you excuse me for a moment? And can you finish the manger scene?
Annie: We know you were one of us.
 
Troy: 'sup? 'sup?
Jeff: 'sup!
Troy: No, it's a question. 'sup?
Jeff: 'sup?
Troy: Not a real question, a rhetorical one. You have the answer. He does not. Okay, then you give him the forest Whitaker eye.
Jeff: That's pretty good. Mm-hmm.
Troy: Okay, hold that stare. There you go. Hold it. Then you look straight through his eyes and deep into his soul.
Britta: And then you move to Vermont.
Troy: I am sick and tired of you saying that fighting is gay!
Abed: She's got a point. You know, in boxing, you fight for the purse and the belt.
Britta: I've gotta write a paper about that.
Pierce: All right, I’ve seen enough. Let's see what we're working with. Go ahead, throw a few at the old paws. What are you, a North Korean seamstress?
Jeff: Not if that's bad.
Pierce: Get mad! Come on! If it helps, think of me as somebody who annoys you. Ooh, that's it! That's... That's good. Britta, put your blouse back on.
Jeff: Oh! Ow!
Pierce: Boys, this is not a game. You gotta be ready for anything.
Troy: Dude, that is not cool!
Pierce: ell, that foxy black girl thinks it is. Hmm?
Troy: Ow! What are you doing Why does she have to be black?
Shirley: What is going on?
Troy: We're trying to get Jeff ready for the fiiiii...Iiight. I couldn't think of another word.
Jeff: Idiot. He meant we were figh... ...Ting. It is hard to think of another word.
Shirley: You realize there's no other way for me to take this than as a giant middle finger to the most important day of the year.
Jeff: December 10th?
Shirley: It's our Christmas, and I’m having a party. Due to my divorce and my relatives picking sides, this will be the only Christmas party I throw this year. Will you be there, or will I have another family letting me down?
Pierce: I told him not to fight. He wouldn't listen. I don't know what that is.
Shirley: Jeffrey, I have two boys. And when we have a serious discussion, I find that a brownie helps them to relax. So why do you hate me and Jesus?
Jeff: don't think my brownie's working.
Shirley: Please don't do something so ugly on a day so important to me.
Jeff: Again, it's December 10th.
Shirley: You think religion is stupid?
Jeff: No, no. To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone. But I would also never stand in line for it. And look, Shirley, the die has been cast with this crazy bully guy. He picked on Abed, and he corrected my Spanish. So you go to your party, and I’ll see you soon.
Shirley: Jeffrey, I forbid you from fighting.
Jeff: Well, you don't get to. You're not my mom.
Shirley: You're right. But if you show up for the fight, don't show up for my party.
Jeff: Oh, come on, Shirley, don't be mad.
Shirley: I'm not mad. I'm disappointed.
Jeff: That's "mom" for mad.
 
Shirley: Oh, hash browns and applesauce... That's nice. Oh, what is that interesting smell?
Abed: It's a traditional Muslim dish.
Shirley: It looks delicious. I'm guessing as a woman I won't be allowed to eat that. That's too bad. Oh, look, Britta brought what she believes in... Nothing.
Pierce: Where should I put my Buddha incense holder?
Britta: I'm pretty sure that's a bong.
Annie: Where's Jeff?
Shirley: I guess he made his choice.
Troy: I want to go to Jeff’s fight.
Shirley: As I told Jeff, no one that goes to the fight can come to my party. He's dead to me. And if any of you leave, you'll be dead to me too. Let's sing. * Jesus is a friend of mine * everybody! * Jesus is a friend of mine * come on, everybody. You don't know it?
Britta: You're banning Jeff from the party? That doesn't seem very Christian.
Shirley: Well, that's an interesting point of view coming from an atheist. I did my best to create a special Christmas for my one intact family, and... This is the thanks I get.
Annie: Shirley, you are a guilt machine.
Pierce: And Annie knows a thing or two about guilt. Am I right, Jew?
Annie: Say the whole word!
Pierce: Jewie?
Troy: You would never catch a Jehovah’s witness saying "jewie".
Pierce: Tell it to the birthday cake you never got. You know, there's an old Buddhist saying in my vision group.
Britta: You are not a Buddhist. You are in a cult.
Pierce: Suck it, Nietzsche!
Annie: Guys, everyone's faith is weird. Let's just not talk about it.
Shirley: There's nothing weird about Christianity. [everybody arguing]
Britta: Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Are we really gonna let religion divide us like this? I think there's one thing we can all agree on.
Abed: I get 72 virgins in heaven.
Britta: No. That we would all like to have Jeff at this party.
Shirley: Mm-mm. He can't come.
Britta: Shirley.
Shirley: Mm-mm.
Britta: Shirley, listen. I get that this is your first Christmas since your husband left you, and I don't know, maybe that's why you're being so stubborn, because you're trying so hard to re-create something that you're afraid that you've lost forever. But if you really want us to be your second family, then you've gotta start treating us like one, even if that means supporting us when we do things that you don't agree with. You can start by rooting for Jeff while he rolls around on the ground groping another man. That's what I’m gonna do.
Shirley: The cranberry sauce has real cranberries.
 
School Bully: Look, if he doesn't show up, we're definitely going to Applebee’s, right?
Bully’s friend: Yeah.
School Bully: I'm getting into a fight no matter what today, dude. No matter what!
Bully’s friend: Look who showed.
School Bully: Oh, check him out. Ahh...Ahh! What's up, dude? No backup today? Huh? Looks like grandpa and weirdo couldn't show up to get their teeth knocked out, huh?
Jeff: Can I ask you a question? Are you perpetually on your way to the gym?
School Bully: Dude, my life is a gym!
Jeff: Well, 'sup?
School Bully: 'sup, man?
Jeff: 'sup?
School Bully: 'sup?
Jeff: 'sup?
School Bully: 'sup?
Jeff: 'sup?
School Bully: 'sup?
Jeff: 'sup?
School Bully: 'sup?
Jeff: 'sup?
School Bully: 'sup?
Bully’s friend: 'sup?
School Bully: Whoa. Dude, what is that?
Jeff: All right, just one sec. These are very expensive. All right...
School Bully: Dude, you wear a bracelet?
Jeff: Your name's Mike, right?
School Bully: So?
Jeff: Mike, I’m not gonna fight you. I have a friend that believes this is the time of year where you put aside your differences, and you make peace. Me... I don't believe in any of that, but I do believe in friendship. And as much as I hate you and the cast of breakin', I have to ask myself, what would Shirley do?
School Bully: Oh! What would Shirley do?
Jeff: I think...
School Bully: What would Shirley do?
Jeff: That she would shake your hand and wish you a merry Christmas. Daa!
Shirley: Jeffrey.. Kick his ass!
School Bully: Cavalry's here. Shirts off, boys!
Britta: Come on, I’m being punked, right?
School Bully: Kick ‘em Come here.
Bully’s friend: Please, it's Christmas.
Shirley: It's December 10th!
Jeff: Not the moneymaker. Not the moneymaker!
School Bully: Ow! Ow!
Jeff: Aah!
Pierce: You're welcome!
 
Shirley: *sensible night, appropriate night, snow on ground, left and right, round yon purchase of decorative things, tolerant rewrite of carols to sing, function with relative ease, function with relative ease *
Jeff: Yeah! That was really good. Yeah!
Britta: That was nice.
Señor Chang: Thank you, thank you. I get it, yes. It is I, senor Chang.
Shirley: Shakira, hold this.
Señor Chang: So... I have finished grading everyone's finals, and all of you are moving on.
Pierce: Yeah.
Jeff: Yeah.
Annie: Yes.
Señor Chang: Heh heh heh, except... For Jeff. Turns out you... Pause for dramatic effect... Will be seeing me next semester.
Annie: Noooooooo!
Señor Chang: In Spanish 102! Heh heh heh. Because he passed, you know. And I’m the only Spanish teacher.
Annie: Yay! I meant about Jeff passing. You being our Spanish teacher... Eh.
Señor Chang: Whoa. Man, Mike got you good.
Pierce: Actually, uh, that was my present to Jeff.
Señor Chang: I don't care. I got a mountain to shred.
Pierce: Jeffrey, you're a man now. How's it feel?
Jeff: I got hit in the face, like, four times before you punched me.
Pierce: Some people just don't know how to say thank you.
Jeff: Pierce, thank you. And thanks to all of you for showing up and having my back when we fought those fly dancers. So, uh... Merry...
Shirley: No, no, no, no, no. Holiday.
Jeff: Actually, I was gonna say merry semester and happy new one. Here we go. Here we go.
Abed: Switch.
Shirley: Switch, switch glasses.
 
Abed: *Oh Christmas Troy oh Christmas Troy, thy candle shine so brightly oh Christmas Troy oh Christmas Troy much pleasure thou canst give me*
Jeff: Why do you guys do stuff like this
Troy: Cause its fun
Abed/Jeff: *The sight of thee at Christmas time, spreads hope and glad both far and wide*
Abed/Jeff/Troy: *Oh Christmas Troy oh Christmas Troy, thou dream most fair and lovely*
Abed: Don’t move
Troy: This nose smells like special drink