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Season 1 - Episode 13
"Investigative Journalism"
Written by Jon Pollack & Tim Hobert
Directed by Joe Russo
Original Air Date: 1/14/2010
Transcribed by Priscilla T.
 
[Shirley squealing]
Shirley: welcome back!
Annie: Hi.
Shirley: Hello. What did you do over break?
Britta: Hi.
Troy: Oh, it was so awesome. Me and Abed played this video game. It is so dope. It's a whole city.
Abed: You can drive anywhere.
Troy: You can rent an apartment.
Abed: You could do your taxes.
Troy: But don't get audited 'cause that's bad.
Abed: You could even enrol in community college.
Troy: Right now it sounds as boring as real life, But it is not.
Britta: Vacations are wasted on the young. You guys gotta get out there and see the world at some point Or you're gonna mis your entire lives.
Abed: Where did you go, britta?
Britta: Amsterdam, I think. I'll know more when I find my camera.
Pierce: Guess what happened to me.
Abed: Oh, Pierce, you became a grandfather?
Pierce: No, I became even cooler. These ironic tee shirts are all the rage.
Jeff Let's get one thing straight. I wish I was still a lawyer. I'm only here because I'm hot for Britta, And I don't want to be anybody's friend. Just kidding. Bring it in here, ya knuckleheads! You know, I gotta say I took a look back At the guy I was last semester, And I realized that guy was a drag.
All: No... Aww...
Pierce: Good to hear you admit it, Jeff.
Jeff No, the truth is this is a new semester, A new Jeff. Greendale is where I am, And I am gonna make the best of it.
Shirley: That is nice.
Abed: You're like hawkeye on M.A.S.H. He kept his upbeat humor and charm Even in the 11th year of the korean war.
Buddy: Yeah, well, don't go changing too much, Jeff. I think we all like you just the way you were.
Jeff Well, I appreciate that, but--
Jeff Did you just teleport here?
Buddy: No, I snuck in during the group hug. You guys don't remember me? Buddy...From spanish class?
Shirley: Yeah.. Buddy from Spanish class
Pierce: I've never seen you before in my life. [all murmuring in agreement]
Abed: I've seen Buddy before. He sits in the corner next to the dead plant.
Buddy: Thank you, Abed. Sometimes I have a tendency to melt into the background. It's just my body type. But I definitely know you guys From watching you all last semester grow together.
 
[flashback]
Señor Chang: "f." "f"-minus.
Pierce: Did you say "s"?
Buddy: He said "f."
Señor Chang: Who cheated?
Britta: I did it.
Buddy: Britta cheated? But why?
Britta: Gimme back my bra, annie.
Abed: I'm not even wearing a bra.
Britta: Oh!
Buddy: I don't even care who wins.
 
Britta: What?
Buddy: I sleep a lot in class. That one might have been a dream.
Abed: Well, Buddy, as you know, We haven't had spanish class yet. So this meeting was more just for catching up... Between friends.
Buddy: I heard that. Let's do it!
Britta: Well--
Buddy: so--sorry, britta. I'll go first. Uh, I'm sure you guys have a natural rapport and timing, And, you know, you're scared that adding a new member Might throw everything off of its natural...
 
Buddy: ...Rhythm. I feel like I know you guys already. So you know, let me in. Just tell me the rules, And I will follow.
Jeff Well, you already broke the only rule I have. The rule about worrying about rules.
Buddy: That's what I'm saying too! Yeah! * spanish studyin' is better * *when you're Buddyin' * * around, yeah *
 
Abed: Hey Jeff
Jeff Hey Excuse me, I received a text message About free sephora samples.
Dean Pelton: Ha ha! It was me. Sorry about the ruse, but I have something better Than exfoliating soap to rub on you. An opportunity.
Jeff Mm.
Dean Pelton: As you can see, I am resurrecting The greendale gazette journal mirror! And we need a student editor. Someone with real world savvy That extends beyond how to huff the ink.
Jeff Actually, Dean, I'm resolved to spend this semester Being more...
Dean Pelton: This would be your office.
Jeff Relaxed...And awesome. This is the first desk I've seen in six months That doesn't have "zeppelin rules" carved into it.
Dean Pelton: And you get an english credit.
Jeff Well, that ain't bad neither. I'm in.
Dean Pelton: Guys, meet your new editor! Mr. Winger is very excited to help you bring a voice Back to the campus.
Abed: Jeff, I need to take your picture. We got it.
Dean Pelton: Okay. You guys knock yourselves out!
Student: Welcome aboard Jeff This is my article on the school's new water heater.
Jeff You got chops, kid, but we need your talent On a bigger story. Pizza wars--who's got the best slice in town? Start with big nick's. Bring us a large, with sausage. You. I heard a rumor that riley's liquor is Selling to underage students. I need an undercover expose. Find out how much they'll sell you Of anything cold and imported.
Annie: You expect me to watch you do that Without telling on you?
Jeff That's a hard-hitting question, annie. Are you a reporter?
Annie: No, they've got me editing the crossword Because I'm a girl. And because I love crosswords.
Jeff Well, now you love the streets. You're my ace news hound.
Annie: Ace? You can do that?
Jeff We can do anything we want. It's greendale. Now go find me that story.
Abed: This character reboot is really gelling for you, Jeff. That was all classic hawkeye. Sending soldiers out for liquor. Slyly sidestepping the problematic scrutiny Of annie "hot lips" edison. I should build you a still for making hawkeye martinis.
Jeff Of all your pop culture fixations, This is one I can work with, Abed.
Abed: Call me radar.
Jeff When you've earned it.
 
New Spanish Teacher: Now, I know the news of senor chang's death over winter break was a shock to us all. But we should take comfort in the fact That he did not suffer When his moped hit the side of that arby's.
Shirley: So sad. But best semester ever.
Señor Chang: Feliz ano nueva, chicas! beat it. All right. That was a professional actress. I am a man who can never die. And this has been your first taste Of spanish 1-0- dos-- The semester I get inside your cabesas! * I am Senor Chang! And I'm so ill! This is a warning I can't be killed! All in your cabeza, without a chaser Not another teacher with this much flavour. Chang! And I can not die Chang! And I can not die
Abed: I saw that coming.
Buddy: Hey, guys, see you in study group. Hoo-ah! Ah!
Shirley: Uh, Jeff, can he really just decide he's one of us?
Pierce: He throws off our balance. We've got three chicks, three dudes, And now two weirdos. Sorry, Abed.
Abed: Not all weirdos are bad. But he might be a puckish agent of change That changes our lives for the better Through a musical montage.
Britta: Or he could have a row of jars Waiting for our genitals.
Troy: Yo, I need my genitals.
Jeff You know who you guys sound like? Me, from last semester. Cynical, elitist, Rakishly good-looking.
Abed: Thank you.
Shirley: Well, we should at least get together To talk about membership policies, right?
Jeff Hey, don't ask me. Dealing with problems ain't my job no more. My new job is hanging out, having fun, And cracking wise.
Britta: Oh, it must be nice. Suppose I decide that's my job. [everyone laughs]
 
Annie: Jeff, I hope you've got an army of raisins Because I've got a major scoop. In October, There was a free Toni Braxton concert on the quad.
Jeff You don't need to remind me.
Annie: And when a last-minute mix-up Shifted the show time by an hour, An anonymous text message went out Alerting students of the change.
Jeff Okay.
Annie: Not okay. Because the text message was sent exclusively To black students... And one french kid named lebron. That's profiling. This is front-page juice. Just gotta find out who sent the text.
Jeff Have you called the number that sent it?
Annie: Well...Nobody's that stupid, right?
 
Dean Pelton: Hello? Um... wrong number. No, that-- that was a good cover.
 
Annie: So whoever it is keeps hanging up, But he can't hide forever.
Buddy: Annie the reporter. Good times. Listen up. I just want to say Thank you guys real much-- much--real much? Duh! Thank you guys very much for this. It's a dream come true.
All: Oh...
Britta: Now let's study some spanish. So for the essay, we conjugate...
Buddy: Conjugate. Conjugal visit! lame. Okay, stick and move. Stick and move.
Annie: Okay, so for the essay portion...
Buddy:* annie got an essay portion * * annie gonna move her luscious fanny * * all day long *
Jeff Hey, Buddy can sing, you guys. Wow, that's great. Annie's pretty young. We try not to sexualize her.
Buddy:I'm sorry. Whoa! Okay, look, I-- you know what, It's your study group, And I don't know if you perceive it As something that could be improved, But I do have some ideas. Here's the one right here. Boom. I was thinking, as a group, We could start saying, "you go, girl." Not in a way that's, you know, "oh, I'm so cool saying "you go, girl." But in a way that we're kinda winking at it. Bottom line, you guys need a chubby, agile guy. Did anyone see Paul blart: Marl co-- I'm like that, okay? I'm fat and I'm... Physical, okay? And I'm strong. Hmm? And I can kick. Oh!
Jeff Ow...Oh...
Buddy: Ooh, sorry. Jeff--
Jeff no, no, it's fine, it's fine. It's just a little nosebleed. I get 'em when it's dry And when my face gets kicked.
Buddy: I'll get some paper towels.
Jeff Did someone say something about a meeting To discuss member policy?
 
Britta: Well, I think it's obvious to everyone That this Buddy fellow has a few froot loops loose. So I think no matter what we do, We gotta do it with grace and caution.
Pierce: I say we keep Buddy in the group.
Annie: What?
Pierce: I've given it a lot of thought, and frankly I like his in-your-face style.
Troy: I can't stop thinking about his high kick. His ratio of girth to hip flexibility Is mesmerizing.
Abed: I like his idea of ironically saying "you go, girl."
Troy: You go, girl.
Abed: You go, girl.
Britta: Wait, so you kick high enough and you get in the group?
Shirley: If we're going to add people, I really think we should consider my friend Gary.
Britta: I'm sorry, Shirley, Your friend Gary is so boring.
Shirley: He was raised in Finland. He doesn't get our humor.
Annie: So, if we're gonna add a chair For every bong-ripping good-time Charlie With a song in his heart, I move we institute hazing.
Abed: Well, in the right stuff, the novel by tom wolfe--
Pierce: This is why we need new blood. I'm so bored of you pop culture references And your cigarette-legged jeans.
Shirley: My friend Gary wears nothing but loose-fitting jeans.
Britta: Gary is off the table. He is a buzz kill.
Shirley: He grew up in a land without sun!
Abed: Why don't you like my tight jeans?
Jeff Take a vote.
Britta: They'll probably vote him in.
Jeff They won't. Guys, guys, let's take a vote.
Abed: Secret vote. Everybody cover your eyes.
Annie: We won't know the result.
Pierce: Well, say your vote out loud.
Shirley: We'll know each other's voices.
Pierce: Troy's got a point.
Jeff Holy crap. Wow. It says here some guy in seattle went nuts And killed his entire driver's ed class With a meat tenderizer.
Shirley: Oh, no. We have to be careful.
Britta: Okay... On the count of three, Everybody who wants to keep Buddy out, Raise your hand.
 
Abed: You lied about the guy in seattle With the meat tenderizer. You put your thumb on the scale. But you did it with a smile, And you did it so you could keep smiling. You're hawkeye.
Jeff And with Buddy gone, Staying that way will be a lot easier.
Dean Pelton: I am not racist! I had 20 minutes to let people know That Toni Braxton was starting early And 273 text messages left before my rate tripled. Racial profiling may not be right, But it can be economical.
Annie: Tell me, Dean, when I refer to you in my article, Would you prefer "imbecile" or "incompetent?"
Dean Pelton: I prefer "incompetent," but what I really want--
Annie: It doesn't matter what you want. The people want the truth. I have to give it to them. And I won't let anyone stand in my way. Excuse me.
Dean Pelton: Okay.
Annie: Thank you.
Dean Pelton: Jeffrey, I am the least racist person in the world. My best friend when I was six years old was a black man. Look, I've learned my lesson. I've got unlimited texting now. But if she runs that story, I will lose this job. And this job is my life. She listens to you.
Jeff Well, next time we're both hanging out having fun I could try cracking wise about it with her.
Dean Pelton: You do what you think is right. [Abed humming MASH theme song]
 
Jeff That's enough. Okay. I'm just saying it's not exactly watergate. I mean, you like the Dean. He's trying to help you transfer.
Annie: Yeah, and this time he might succeed. If this article breaks out, I can apply for journalism scholarships. Nobody will care about my time in rehab If they think I'm a writer.
Jeff Annie, as your upbeat friend, I gotta say let this go.
Annie: This is greendale, Jeff. We can do whatever we want. [Buddy singing]
Jeff Didn't anyone tell Budd he was out?
Annie: I guess we thought you would.
Buddy: Milord, milady. You missed my apology song.
Britta: Yeah, I'll tell 'em about it later.
Buddy: Jeff... I am so sorry about the other day.
Jeff Buddy, yesterday the group took a vote. [Buddy crying] And you seem to have figured out the rest of it.
Buddy: Was it the high kick? Was it "you go, girl"? Oh, you guys think you're so cool.
Shirley: No, we don't think we're cool at all.
Troy: A little bit.
Buddy: I put myself out there for you! I laid my soul bare! I made you guys lemon squares with free-range eggs That I baked with my own hands.
Pierce: Maybe a little less sugar next time.
Buddy: Well, I'm not leaving.
Jeff Oh, come on. Be relaxed, like me. Leave.
Buddy: You're not relaxed. You're an uptight puppet master, And these are all your little puppets. [Group disagrees]
Jeff Buddy, just be reasonable and go.
Buddy:Make me...Hitler. [Britta gasps]
Jeff Okay, so since Buddy's not leaving, He'll just be the person who we wish wasn't here While we study. Try getting that deal from Hitler. Shall we?
Buddy: I'm studying with you. No, you're not.
Jeff Everyone stop studying.
Shirley: Okay.
Jeff You're not in the group.
Buddy: Okay, then go study somewhere else. Hola, mi amigo. Donde estas la biblioteca? No, no. No, no, no, no! No, no, no! No, I want to study spanish! No! Noooooooooo! Ah, I hate you! I hate your study group! I hate it! You suck! Aah... I hate you!
Jeff And you are not running that story!
Annie: Why not? Because I said so!
Jeff Does anybody have a problem with how that was handled? [Buddy screaming in background]
Pierce: It's exactly the way I would have done it, Jeff.
 
Jeff Who are you kidding, Abed? I just dragged a screaming, crying man Out of a library with his pants down. No. Martinis are for Hawkeyes. I'm the same uptight jerk I was last semester.
Abed: Jeff, what's your favorit episode of M.A.S.H.?
Jeff The one with, uh, the army.
Abed: That's what I thought. If you'd ever actually seen the show, You'd know that Hawkeye doesn't just bed nurses And drink martinis. He also had blood sprayed on his face And barked orders when the choppers came in. If he didn't, people died. He was a leader, Jeff. That's your job.
Jeff Yeah. What's in it for me?
Annie: Hey...
Jeff Annie, I'm sorry that I yelled.
Annie: I'm glad you did. It didn't even really occur to me what I was doing Until I saw how upset you were. And I never want to be the reason you're mad Because... You're Jeff winger. So...Thanks... For getting mad.
Jeff Well, it was nothing. I guess that's the upside, isn't it? Thank you...Radar.
Abed: Ooh, you made me so happy I just peed a little.
 
Shirley: I don't think violence is the answer When we make decisions about--
Britta: Oh!
Buddy: Hi, guys.
Britta: Hi, Buddy Can you, um...
Annie: Excuse us...
Troy: For one... Crazy stalker?
Pierce: Listen up. We outnumber this guy six to one. Annie, you flash your breasts as a decoy for the bum rush.
Britta: Pierce!
Pierce: Don't be upset. I didn't pick you as a decoy 'cause your breasts are so old.
Shirley: Why is he even here? Hello.
Jeff I invited him. Buddy's crime is thinking we're cool. But I get it. I mean, if I were him And I missed out on you guys, I'd be sitting in that classroom, Watching, wondering. So how can I exclude someone from something That I'm so lucky to have?
Shirley: Oh...
Jeff I say we let him in.
 
Jeff Hi, Buddy. Welcome to the group.
Buddy: Oh, yes! You will not regret this.
Starburns: There he is.
Other study group leader: Hey, Buddy.
Buddy: Hmm?
Other study group leader: The group thought about what you said. We took a vote, and you're in.
Buddy: Oh ho, no way! I'm in the cool group?
Other study group leader: Look at him. It's like christmas morning for the guy. Welcome.
Buddy: Oh...This is-- Oh, this is awkward. You guys were my safe date.
Other study group leader: Hey, Buddy, you don't have to worry about them. You're with us now. Come on.
Buddy: Ha ha! Boom!
Other study group leader: I love the kicks.
Starburns: He's amazing!
Other study group leader: The kicks are the best. He's just got that kind of-- You know when some people have it...
Pierce: And that, ladies and gentlemen, Is why I voted to keep him.
Annie: It would have been nice to have Another person in the group.
Shirley: I'll call Gary.
 
Starburns: So it says here you want to join as a twosome, I don’t see that as a selling point
Troy: We work really well together
Abed: Yeah
Starburns: Let me here that rap thing of yours again
Troy: Me llamo T-Bone La araña discoteca
Abed: Discoteca, muñeca, La biblioteca
Starburns: Alright I’m gonna talk it over with the others
Abed: Cool thanks for your time
Pierce: You traitors! I’m appalled at your lack of loyalty. Yeah, you better run. [whispers] Have you decided?
Starburns: Yeah we saw your tape, we’re passing
Pierce: I don’t pop on video let me do the song in person *getting rid of Britta getting rid of the B she’s a GDP she’s a no good B*