Season 1 - Episode 14
Written by Lauren Pomerantz
Directed by Justin Lin
Original Air Date: 1/21/2010
Transcribed by Priscilla T.
Annie: Before we start, I'd like to have a preliminary powwow, or prelimi-wow, about what I'm calling our library's backdoor conundrum.
Abed: Sounds like a porno with Kate Winslet.
Annie: Abed, ew.
Annie: The door on that side is locked after 5, which means that most of us have to walk all the way around. Now, if we were to move our meetings to 4:30...
Troy: I have a regular class at that time. It's like math or other regular classes.
Britta: Yeah I have something unimportant that can't ever move.
Annie: Well, maybe one of us could stand by the back door and let the rest in?
Pierce: I nominate Pierce.
Britta: Where is he?
Annie: I have not seen him around all day. I haven't either.
Jeff: Well, has anyone called him?
Abed: I did. Several times, actually, but he never returned my calls.
Shirley: Oh, no!
Troy: Oh, the last thing I said to him was "suck it".
Britta: Me too.
Pierce: Good morning.
Britta: Thank God.
Pierce: You thought I was dead, didn't you?
Abed: I did.
Pierce: You people have any idea how emasculating that is? I'm not Mickey Rooney. You don't have to cross your fingers to see if I'll show up. You know, when I was 30, people used to wish that I was dead to my face! That's called respect.
Britta: Who is the lucky brunette?
Jeff: Last name Beeswax, first name none-a-ya.
Pierce: Oh, my third wife was biracial.
Jeff: Stop it!
Britta: I am just trying to help keep you out of trouble. What if the next girl saw these?
Jeff: Well, then she would know it was hers.
Shirley: [gasps] Jeff! You're sleeping with a woman you already slept with?
Jeff: Can't I be the friend in the group whose trademark is his well-defined boundaries, like privacy smurf, discreet bear or... confidentiality spice?
Annie: But if you like her, why would you want to keep her a secret? Don't you want us to meet her?
Jeff: We have an agreement to keep it low-key.
Pierce: That's ridiculous. Obviously, it's a guy.
Jeff: You're wrong, Pierce. It's two guys. Sometimes I do wish you were dead.
Pierce: [Chuckles] Thank you.
Troy: What's up, bro? [Snaps] [Shrilly] Boo! Hey, what's up, J-Dog?
J-Dog: Woof, woof, woof, woof! Yeah! [Laughs] How you doing?
[rap music fades, on Broadway plays]
Troy: Sorry I'm late.
Teacher: And step into place, six seven eight and reach two three four, hold, back and arms
Jeff: Professor Slater, quick question.
Michelle: You know the answer, Mr. Winger. I don't date students, even if you are no longer in my statistics class.
Jeff: I'm actually kind of seeing someone right now, thank you very much.
Michelle: Really? How's that going?
Jeff: Fine for now. She's smart and pretty. But sometimes I feel like she's just waiting for me to stop talking and take off my pants. [Door thuds]
Michelle: She is.
Jeff: I've never been someone's dirty little secret.
Michelle: I've never had a dirty little secret. It's so unprofessional. But the sneaking does make the sex 38% hotter.
Jeff: Wow, you do like statistics, don't you? [Knocking on door] Hey, midterms and whatever.
Dean Pelton: Professor Slater, there's that transcript you wanted. Jeff, I didn't expect to see you here. Hopefully, I'm not... interrupting. [Laughter] You know, we laugh... but the fact is, student/teacher relationships do happen, and they are a magnet for lawsuits. So we do stay vigilant. In fact, physically attractive students and faculty are actually placed on a watch list and are ranked by their potential to incite fraternization.
Jeff: You rank people by how hot they are? You got it... number two.
Michelle: Dean Pelton.
Dean Pelton: Yes, Professor Seven... Uh, Slater.
Michelle: I'll return this tomorrow. Okay, then.
Dean Pelton: You guys be extra careful now. Two people of your rankings in this small a room... with this type of lighting and his upper body and what her heels and hemline are doing to enhance what were already quite a few favors from God... it's all the more important to keep it tasteful. [Laughs] [Door closes]
Michelle: I think he might have ruined...
Jeff: It's dead.
[Jazzy music plays] [music stops]
Teacher:Oh, I can't wait for the recital. You are all wonderful, especially you, Troy.
Troy: Thank you, Madame Leclair. And if any of you mention my dancing outside of class, I will break off your legs and use them to smash in your friends' cars. Oh!
Britta: Huh! [Both laughing]
Troy/Britta: Oh, my God!
Britta: Troy, since when have you taken modern dance?
Troy: Since last semester. Coach told me it would help with my coordination, and I fell in love with it, in a very straight way. I know it's tempting to sneak a peek, but I'm gonna need for you to keep your eyes up here!
Britta: God, I should have never dismissed you as a shallow jock. Then again, we haven't really spent that much time together.
Troy: That's because you don't play football or have fun.
Britta: I have fun tap-dancing. I started last semester too. It was always something that I wanted to do, but it was too embarrassing, so I never told anyone.
Troy: Same here. Britta... Nobody can know about this.
Britta: Troy, who are we kidding? Look at how much time and energy we're putting into hiding something that we're passionate about. We are leading a double life.
Troy: I am spending a lot of money on breakaway clothing.
Britta: We should look at this as an opportunity to come clean.
Troy: Are you saying we tell the group, together?
Britta: We could invite them to the dance recital on Friday.
Troy: [Scoffs] Man, I don't know. Let me think about it. Okay, let's do this. Ahem!
Michelle: Mr. Winger. Would you come to my office? We never finished our intercourse.
Jeff: I have study group right now, and nobody uses intercourse to mean anything other than sex. [chuckles] This is a wall of windows. My study group's behind it.
Michelle: I know.
Jeff: As soon as we touch, the blinds will open, and six annoying but loveable misfits will be staring at us. [Whispering]
Michelle: Come on, what are the odds?
Michelle: Now, was that so bad?
Pierce: [Shouting] Hey! Could you open the back door?
Jeff: You all remember Michelle Slater, my professor from last semester? As most of you may realize by now, she's the woman I've been seeing lately.
Michelle: Why are they looking at me Like I'm a zoo animal?
Abed: Well, Jeff acts as sort of the dad of the group, so emotionally this is kind of like being told that you're our new mom.
Michelle: But you know it's nothing like that, right?
Abed: Absolutely. Do you cook macaroni?
Michelle: I have.
Abed: Macaroni's my favorite.
Jeff: The important thing is we all understand Professor Slater and I need this to be our little secret. Everyone understand that?
Abed: Yeah. Yes. I do like macaroni. [overlapping agreement]
Shirley: Sure. [Overlapping chatter]
Jeff: See? All good.
Michelle: Well, thank you, everyone. I appreciate it. I should get going.
Pierce: Well, Jeff, you've taken a big step in knocking down the barriers between students and teachers... Just like Rosa Parks.
Jeff: I don't think it's like that.
Pierce: No, it's just like that.
Jeff: I feel if you need to explain it, it's not just like that.
Shirley: your heart gonna be okay with this?
Britta: I will try to find the tools to survive.
Britta: Hey, everybody, speaking of secrets, Troy and I have something that we would like to announce.
Annie: [shrilly] - Oh!
Britta: No. No. There's a dance recital on Friday, and I would be honoured if you guys would attend, because since last semester, I... have been taking a tap class. [Laughter]
Shirley: That's... f... funny.
Britta: Well, I don't know how funny it is.
Jeff: Come on... we're not making fun of you. But obviously, you kept it a secret because you saw the irony too.
Abed: Well, you're not a typically vulnerable or feminine person, and the act of dancing is considered both vulnerable and feminine.
Britta: I disagree. What about Fred Astaire? What about Baryshnikov?
Annie: Yeah, I guess.
Jeff: There are exceptions to the rule, but even when Jerry Rice went on dancing with the stars...
Pierce: Jerry Rice? Oh, God. I liked him.
Shirley: Troy? What... what's your secret?
Troy: Um... M... my secret... is that... I knew Britta's secret.
Troy: Yeah. I saw her in her dance outfit, and she looked ridiculous. So I helped her protect her shame. You know, I'm just glad she's out now. Bravo, Britta.
Dean Pelton: Mr. Winger, there you are. Just got word of your relationship with Professor Slater. I'd like to see both of you in my office in half an hour.
Jeff: What the... none of you left the room. How is that even possible? Well, for one thing, it's all over Twitter.
Shirley: Britta in a tutu... Can you imagine?
Britta: Hey. What the hell? I thought we were supposed to come out to the group together.
Troy: Yeah. I changed my mind.
Britta: Well, they're gonna find out that you dance at the recital.
Troy: I'm not gonna be in the recital. I'm dropping the class.
Britta: Oh, my God. How can you do this? I'm so disappointed in you.
Troy: Hey, you don't get to talk to me like that. You are not Shirley! And Shirley's not my mom. Britta, it's not like we were in the same boat. Girls are supposed to dance. That's why God gave them parts that jiggle. But I'd be going from starting quarterback to a guy that twirls around in tights. I've got way more to lose getting up on that stage because I'm a man.
Britta: Well, guess what? A real man doesn't bail on his friends or on himself. You're a dancer, Troy. It's who you are.
Troy: Not anymore. Excuse me.
Britta: Come on
Shirley: Upset about Jeff?
Britta: No. I am upset about... something I can't talk about.
Shirley: We can talk about anything... politics, medicine, Jeff.
Britta: Okay. Uh, did you hear that the shroud of Turin...
Shirley: Here's the thing about Jeff.
Shirley: Chasing after you made him a better person because you always called him on his stuff. All this time, you've been warming him up and stirring in sweetener and making him just right. And, sure, you weren't ready to take a sip yet, but that didn't mean you want somebody to snatch him off the counter and guzzle him down right in front of you.
Britta: Shirley, I did not warm Jeff up. Nobody ever will. Do you think Professor Slater is getting flowers right now? Do you think that they are gonna go to the movies and hold hands, visit her parents? No. The only thing keeping them going was the thrill of the secrecy, and now that it is out, it is over, believe me.
Shirley: Can... can I just ask as a divorced black housewife... What part of being a single white slacker makes you people so jaded?
Britta: Ooh! You people? What do you mean, you people? I cannot believe I got to say that.
Shirley: It's the little things, isn't it?
Dean Pelton: Okay, well, now that your secret is out there, I'm just gonna talk you through this teacher/student relationship form, and then we can get you two on your very attractive way.
Jeff: We haven't even admitted to being a couple. In fact, this is all based on hearsay, worse than hearsay. Pierce's Twitter account, in which he says he's 47 and teaches a women's-only Pilates class.
Michelle: Jeff, it's okay. It's out. And you know what? It doesn't bother me. I'm happy.
Dean Pelton: Well... [chuckles First question. "How long have you been doing it?" Oh! [Laughs] Not it. I mean this... dating.
Michelle: A few weeks.
Dean Pelton: Mm-hmm. And... how long have you been doing it?
Jeff: We don't have to answer that.
Dean Pelton: Oh, it... hmm? Now... this is just hypothetical. Might you ever consider spending the night with a third person?
Jeff: That's not on there!
Jeff: Well... Wow, it's on there.
Dean Pelton: Just exploring your options, obviously. [Laughs] No agenda. I'll put "TBD". Would you describe yourself as boyfriend and girlfriend?
Dean Pelton: Oh, boy.
Jeff: It's semantics, really, isn't it [Laughs]
Michelle: We've slept together every night for the last three weeks. How would you describe me?
Jeff: The best friend ever.
Michelle: Ooh. Well, uh... I guess I've had the wrong idea about us. But you know what? This is good. I'd be better off dating, um... an adult. See you around.
Dean Pelton: Mm. Rarr! I'll get the break-up form.
Jeff: I got freaked out by that boyfriend label. I'm... afraid of commitment.
Michelle: How original.
Jeff: Look, the biggest truths aren't original. Truth is ketchup. It's Jim Belushi. Its job isn't to blow our minds. It's to be within reach, so the truth is... I get claustrophobic when things get official.
Michelle: You're acting like I'm a Venus flytrap I didn't want or need mor than what we were doing.
Jeff: Let's get back to it. Should I get the door?
Michelle: I can't now, because you went to the friend place. That's you getting official, not me, because unless there's something I need to know about the lunch lady or that blonde in your Spanish class with the infinite supply of leather jackets, somewhere between our 9th and 11th slumber party, statistically speaking, most people would call us more than pals.
Jeff: Yeah, but soon as you say it, it can get complicated and messy.
Jeff: Because when you say it, later on, you might have to un-say it.
Michelle: Whoopee flippin' ding, Winger. It happens 50 million times a day. It's the Jim Belushi of sexual commitments. It barely means anything, and it grows on what's there over time.
Jeff: Boy, that guy's really taking a pounding in this conversation.
Michelle: I'll see you around, Jeff.
Jeff: I really liked what we were doing. And if the ratio of work to pleasure can really stay at that same level, I don't care what it's called. I'll do it. Let's do it. Okay. Okay.
Britta: Oh, that's a big crowd out there.
Annie: Abed's really good at inviting people. We're all here to support you. Jeff even brought his girlfriend.
Britta: Oh. She's his girlfriend now? Can't wait till he hears about it.
Annie: Oh, he knows. They even had to file paperwork with the Dean. It's pretty serious. Our little Jeff's growing up! [Giggling] Oh! Break a leg, Britta. I have no idea how someone could do what you're about to do.
Shirley: I brought goobers. Anybody want a goober? Get them while they're gooby! [Applause] [Tea for two plays on piano]
Pierce: Well, this is already ridiculous.
Pierce: Tea for two? There... there're five people.
Pierce: Good Lord. Is she a water pot or a tea kettle?
Pierce: Don't you think the flowers are dying from the tea?
Shirley: Shh! Shh, shh!
Jeff: Everyone can hear you.
Pierce: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! [Music continues]
Teacher: [whispering] Britta. [Piano repeating] [whispering]
Troy: Water it!
Annie: What's going on? [Piano repeating, audience murmuring]
Pierce: Oh! Ooh! Plot twist.
Troy: Easy, girl. There we go.
Teacher: Play something modern.
Britta: What are you doing here?
Troy: Being a friend and a man.
Britta: Oh! [Jazzy music plays]
Shirley: It’s okay
Pierce: Culturally, it's unacceptable, but it's theatrical dynamite! [Jazzy music continues] [End chords] [Cheers and applause]
Shirley: Bravo! [Cheering]
Troy: Yeah, all right! Bring it! Woof, woof, woof, woof! Greendale!
Abed: Hi, guys. That was really cool. I wish I knew how to tap-dance.
Britta: Well, thanks, Abed. It takes a lot of hard work, but you could always take a class.
Abed: Mm, pass.
Britta: Hey, Troy. Thank you. [Laughs]
Troy: No, thank you. I mean, you looked so pathetic, you made going up there the most masculine option.
Pierce: Troy [Chuckles] What you did up there really took guts. I'm impressed.
Troy: Thanks, Pierce.
Pierce: Yeah. And such a creative way to tell the world you're gay.
Jeff: Good job up there.
Britta: Thank you.
Jeff: Where's your date?
Britta: Didn't she want to get my autograph?
Jeff: Oh, she's getting a permission slip from the Dean to allow us to drive home together.
Britta: I heard you guys are official now.
Jeff: Yeah, I guess. You actually had a big part in that. I mean, if I can handle having a girl for a friend, who's to say I'm not ready for a girlfriend?
Britta: Makes perfect sense. Break a leg. Flowers.
Jeff: Is that... that's what people do, right? I was gonna throw them up on stage, but I thought they might catch fire.
Britta: No, this is... this is good. You can hand them to me. Thank you.
Jeff: See you Monday.
[Kate nash's merry happy plays]
Abed: Good night, everybody.
Troy: Five letters... Broadway musical.
Troy: Uh, six letters... to puncture.
Troy: A water filter that starts with "B".
Troy: Okay. Here's a tough one, though. Uh, Helen of...
Troy: Oh, damn, you're good.
Abed: Thank you.
Troy: I never even heard of that last one. One of the two brother actors. Bridges. Four letters.
Abed: know. Bridges.
Troy: I don't know.
Jeff: Come on, guys. Can't you see the pattern there? Can you see it? It's Beau... Beau Bridges! These are all things you can see on TV... Except for Pierce... That's a misdirect.
Troy: Hmm. I love misdirects.
Abed: I love The Big Lebowski.