Season 1 - Episode 16
Written by Chris McKenna
Directed by Adam Davidson
Original Air Date: 2/11/2010
Transcribed by Priscilla T.
Dean Pelton: It's valentine's week, When the Greendale human being is the cupid being, Delivering your gift to that special someone. But remember, cupid's face is magic marker on nylon, So love is not only blind But also dizzy and a little belligerent.
Michelle: I'm chaperoning tomorrow's dance. You should come. Maybe your study buds'll go. What's the blonde's name, bitter, butter--beetlejuice?
Jeff: Britta. Yeah. She says valentine's day ritualizes a connection Between affection and candy So girls can learn the ropes of prostitution.
Michelle: Translation. No date.
Jeff: I'm gonna join you at that dance. But as a novice boyfriend, Could I get a map of the minefield Known as women's valentine expectations?
Michelle: Every day of the year, I want you to do what makes you happy.
Jeff: Tomorrow I'm gonna be happy spending the night With an insatiable statistics professor.
Voicemail: Jeff, it's the registrar's office. Seems you were wrong about paying tuition With airline miles. We're gonna need a check-
Female voice: Message deleted.
Britta: [drunkenly] Jeff winger. I am calling you. You're probably--whatever. so wassup?
Annie: Oh, it's the cupid being.
Shirley: Oh, ooh!
Jeff: Oh, now it has arrows. That's safe.
Shirley: Oh, it's from the cook with the long bear In the cafeteria I guess when he said, I'm gon get you, uh, he meant chocolates.
Annie: Oh! A flower from Vaughn. He's away on a vision quest.
Troy: You got something, Abed?
Abed: Another muffin basket from another actress Who wants to be in my next film.
Jeff: Does that work?
Abed: Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Oh, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.
Pierce: That big bag, uh, at the bottom, Is that for me?
Troy: Anything in there for Troy? Troy Barnes? Barnes comma Troy?
Pierce: Who cares about getting things? It destroys the true meaning of valentine's day: The birth of saint valentines.
Britta: Oh, good. Now it has arrows. That's safe. Sorry I'm late. - That's okay.
Pierce: Actually, you look very early.
Britta: Oh, god, I'm really late.
Shirley: Yes, you are.
Annie: Yeah, see you later.
Jeff: Can I get you something? Water, smelling salts, An alibi for Cobain's suicide?
Britta: No, but you can help yourself to a shorter forehead, A non-keebler nose, and shutting up.
Jeff: Mm, that stings. I mean, not the words. The clouds of bourbon vapour forming them.
Britta: A girlfriend from my anarchist days was in town And we drank. Everything.
Jeff: Yeah. And then you said, "I should call Jeff."
Britta: Yeah. 'cause the first thing I do when I'm having fun Is think about--
Britta: [on voicemail message] Jeff winger. I am calling you. You're probably-- Whatever. so wassup?
Jeff: A drunk dial. So much subtext, so much intrigue. So much of what the kids are calling B.C.I. That's, uh, booty call implication. [laughs] Oh...
Abed: What happened to Britta?
Jeff: Justice. Having spent the year denying her attraction to me Just to be alternative, Britta called me. At 3 am Just to ask, "what's up?"
Abed: A drunk dial? Was there B.C.I.?
Jeff: Booty call with a capital "b."
Abed: This can't be good.
Jeff: It's no biggie. We--we give each other crap all the time.
Abed: Well, that's the point. What crap can she give you now that you hold all the cards? You've shifted the balance, like in a sitcom When one character sees another one naked.
Jeff: Is that really a sitcom staple? No, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm Abed, I never watch TV.
Señor Chang: Now we all know that in English, The rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo." In Espanol, the gallo says, "quiquiriquí, quiquiriquí. Quiquiriqí, quiquiriqí, quiquiriqí--" What? I'm teaching. I'm sorry.
Pierce: Aha! I knew you were holding back.
Troy: Aw! It's from the girl I'm dating. Yeah, I met her in biology. She was looking for geology and misread the sign. Yeah, I said, "we do not study countries in here." Yeah, she's-- she's dumb, but-- But sweet. Yeah, mine's from Danielle. She's a... A lovely lady in my marketing class. We're sleeping together.
Annie: They sound like very lucky ladies. Yeah, they're not made up.
Señor Chang: Beep, beep. Oh, my god, what's going on? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. My bullcrap meter's going crazy. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep-- Oh-ho! It's these presents you've obviously sent to yourselves To make it look like you have girlfriends.
Pierce: That's ridiculous. This is obviously your handwriting, Mr. Tremor. And yours is signed, "love, Troy"? I tell you, this is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen in the classroom. oh, my god.
Annie: Look at him over there. Cutting the gristle off his steak As ruthlessly as he cut off Troy and Pierce's dignity. Ew! Now he's eating the gristle.
Shirley: I'm so sick of Chang. Always tearing people down, Making them feel horrible about themselves. Somebody needs to humiliate him the way he humiliated our boys.
Señor Chang: Hey. Moustache. Get me a juice box. Now!
Annie: And that somebody is us
Jeff: Hey, you can vomit onto this food, Because it already smells like it.
Britta: Yeah. Totally.
Jeff: My law firm went on a retreat to Disney world once, And I got so drunk that I got into a fight With animatronic Ben Franklin.
Britta: Why are you telling me this?
Jeff: Well, the point is, is that when I'm sober, I don't secretly hate Ben Franklin Or even think about him. So you drunk dialling me, I mean, it's not, like, a big deal.
Britta: Oh my god. You're pitying me now.
Jeff: Well, you're acting really weird.
Britta: I'll talk to you in class, okay? Just... Leave me alone until then.
Leo: Beep, beep, beep. What is going on here? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep-- My doody meter's going crazy.
Abed: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Okay, Leo, I'm not feeling it. I really need to believe that you're holding An imaginary doody meter.
Leo: The problem is not me. It's you and your stupid script. Idiot!
Abed: That's the anger. Use it.
Abed: One papa john's commercial, And he thinks he's Christian bale. Look, uh, you were right. Britta is totally weird around me. It does feel like I saw her naked.
Abed: It's a resident premise. Tony even saw Angela naked on the opening credits Of who's the boss?
Jeff: And did tony do something to fix that?
Abed: I don't know. I could never get past the opening credits. But when Chandler saw Rachel naked on friends To even the score, Rachel needed to see chandler's penis.
Jeff: All right. I'll show Britta my penis.
Abed: Jeff, please don't waste my time. I lose my Chang to cub scouts in 20 minutes.
Jeff: so, so what? To even the score, I have to drunk dial her? Isn't that absurdly simplistic? Would it even work?
Abed: Maybe. Huh, no room for error. She'd have to believe it was real. Have you ever acted drunk before?
Jeff: I can totally do it. I'm fine. I can drive. I can totally drive right now. Give me my keys.
Abed: That's enough--
Jeff: No, hold on a second.
Abed: All right.
Jeff: Guys, seriously, give me my keys.
Abed: Okay, that's a wrap, people. I want you to be at my place at 4 So we can work on this.
Jeff: Well, I-- no, I can't do that. Here's why. Dumbest idea ever.
Abed: Jeff, you know Britta’s defining weakness. She cuts and runs. If you do this half-assed and fail, she may leave. Then we all lose her. That's not gonna happen, not on my watch. That's a deal breaker. Saddle up.
Leo: Sorry I lost my cool. I just quit smoking.
Abed: Kid's gonna be a star. He's a young "the Asian guy" from lost.
Abed: Try it again. Chew. Come on. You're a big guy. Action.
Jeff: Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Hey, Britta. Your call got my thinkin' and thinkin' got me drinkin'.
Abed: Stop. That was terrible.
Jeff: You know, I can get drunk alone If that's what helps people act.
Abed: Well, that's your problem, Jeff. You've been acting your whole life, okay? It's time to pass that act up And find the actor that's playing you.
Jeff: Oh, they're gonna love you in California.
Abed: Do you like Britta?
Jeff: Sure. Who doesn't?
Abed: Over half the people that meet her. They could be put off by her vacuous mannequin face. And her Jodie Foster severity. But you're different.
Jeff: Oh, you know, she's no barrel of monkeys. She--she wants everyone to be honest, But she lies to herself. She's seen the world, but doesn't get it. She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section. She's passionate, which I find stupid. But entertaining.
Jeff: There was only attraction at first Because she bothered to play hard to get.
Abed: Mm hmm.
Jeff: I'm happy with Michelle.
Abed: Yeah, Slater is low maintenance.
Jeff: Mm. The lowest.
Abed: Britta's irritating, impossible, unpredictable, And she didn't like you so it felt useless to like her. Slater likes you how you are, expects nothing from you, You're safe from change. And passion.
Jeff: Watch it.
Abed: Watch what? A phony drunk dial soaked in phony pity That insults Britta even more? Or... A believable performance Informed by feeling?
Jeff: You know... I am sure you're a good director, But you're a horrible drinking buddy. I mean, I can't feel things With you studying me like a beige praying mantis.
Abed: You're right.
Jeff: I thought you never drank.
Abed: Scorsese drank with De Niro. It’s not for me. It’s for the audience. Nas Da Rovia
Jeff: Nas Da Rovia
Señor Chang: All right, class. Turn to page--whoa. Looks like the law firm of Seacrest and slumdog's Taking the day off. Ooh. Another special delivery from Troy and Pierce's Imaginary lovers? Wait a minute. Oh. That one's for me. all righty. Doggy. Now, ch-ch-- Wow. It's from Princeton. They want to make me associate professor Of the Spanish department? They're telling me I can name my price? Oh, my god. At Princeton? Come on! You two idiots really thought I'd fall for this, huh? This is your pathetic attempt to punish me For humiliating you.
Troy: But we didn't do it.
Señor Chang: Save it! As punishment, Because you two obviously don't have any girlfriends, You will escort me to the valentine's dance Wearing elegant ladies pantsuits.
Troy: yeah, right.
Señor Chang: you'll do it Or you'll fail my class.
Pierce: You can't do that.
Señor Chang: Have you met me? I mean it. Tonight, you are my bitches.
Jeff: Holy crap. Abed. Abed. Ow. It's 3. What happened?
Abed: The last thing I remember is... You were dancing like that girl In that movie... The kids in detention?
Jeff: Breakfast club.
Abed: Dear god. What have you done to me?
Jeff: Wait. Did I call Britta? Where's my phone?
Abed: Got it. You made two outgoing calls. One to Britta, one to your girlfriend.
Jeff: I don't remember either of them.
Abed: Neither do I. And I don't remember the name of the girl In the breakfast club. Mary. Margaret. Molly Ringworm. You broke me.
Pierce: I still can't believe I'm a size 14. I know that 12's a little tight, But I could have pulled it off.
Britta: Are you guys really going through with this?
Troy: We have to. He'll fail us.
Pierce: Yeah, but we're gonna find out who wrote that letter. We have leads.
Troy: Yeah. It was written on fake Princeton letterhead. So whoever wrote it worked at Princeton, Ran out of stationary, And didn't have time to go to the store.
Annie: Um, you guys--
Annie: Women's sizes run slimmer. I'm sure you're a everywhere that it counts.
Pierce: Well, I'll take every little victory I can get right now.
Britta: Hmm. You look about ready to marry Courtney Love.
Jeff: That's the reverse of my zinger from before.
Abed: Okay, please stop shouting. All right. I feel like that person in the TV show.
Britta: Do you remember calling me last night?
Jeff: Yeah. Why? Are we cool?
Britta: Oh, yeah Have a seat, drunky brewster. Let's study.
Jeff: Balance restored, I guess.
Abed: Movie reference.
Jeff: Hey, there. Happy valentine's day. I've been calling you. Yeah, I know.
Michelle: I figured I'd just let it go to voice mail In case you had the wrong number again.
Michelle: Oh, you don't remember calling me At 4 in the morning and hanging up When you realized I wasn't Britta? I guess not.
Jeff: Michelle. Michelle, um... I was trying to call Britain to order you toffees. Now that may sound dumb, But I needed to open with it To make the truth less ridiculous. You see, two nights ago, Britta drunk dialled me And it embarrassed her and made her sad. And the only way for her to get her power back Was for me to get believably drunk And leave her an equally embarrassing message.
Michelle: It sure seems like you and Britta are friends The way my mom's pool cleaner was my uncle. Have you had sex with her?
Jeff: Not even a little.
Michelle: What doesn't make sense is that you did All this work to put a smile on her face, But you can't pick up ice cream for Law & Order night Because it feels too marriage-y.
Jeff: First of all, chubby hubby? I mean, could you pick a scarier flavour?
Michelle: Let's talk about this later. I need to chaperone... Something.
Pierce: There he is. Oh, no. I thought I'd be embarrassed, now I'm just scared.
Troy: I'm seriously reconsidering how much I want this language credit.
Pierce: Remember what we said.
Troy: Never let him see us cry.
Pierce: Right. Okay. One, two--
Shirley: Keep your coats on. We're the ones that sent the letter to Chang.
Troy: What? You work-- you work at Princeton?
Shirley: We were mad at him for humiliating you.
Pierce: Well, nice fix, Tweedle dum and even tweedler dum.
Annie: Look. We're gonna tell Chang the truth. And we'll pay the price.
Troy: Wait. We-- we can't make you do that.
Pierce: First we gotta get out of these pantsuits And you can put them on.
Troy: Look, Pierce, this whole thing started Because you and I were ashamed that We didn't have ladies that cared about us. And the good news is, we obviously do. The bad news is... That it makes it our manly duty To protect them tonight.
Shirley: Oh, that's nice. But we really can't let you do that. It's--
Pierce: No, he's right. He's right. Step aside.
Señor Chang: Oh, ladies...
Shirley: They're gonna be okay, right?
Señor Chang: Get in my Mercedes.
Shirley: Just look away, baby. Just look away.
Britta: Looking for someone?
Jeff: Yeah. Slater.
Britta: Very funny. You know, when you called me last night And invited me to the dance, I was shocked. And...Thrilled. Are you okay?
Jeff: Yeah. No. No. Look. I'm sorry. Uh, I don't-- I don't remember asking you to the dance. I don't remember anything. And now Slater knows about all the drunk dialling stuff And I'm in the dog house. And if she finds out about this, it's over. So again, I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. And you are messing with me right now, aren't you?
Britta: I knew you didn't remember anything From that phone call last night.
Jeff: You got dressed up just to see me sweat?
Britta: Oh, believe me, you're worth it.
Michelle: Sorry, just chaperoning. Enjoy the dance.
Jeff: Wait, Michelle.
Michelle: Jeff. What's left to say?
Jeff: Uh, I--I don't know.
Britta: I do. He said it last night.
Jeff: [voicemail] so look, I am really into Michelle, And I don't wanna screw it up. She's a perfect girlfriend. And I want you to be as happy as me Because you're, like, my favorite friend, so-- I'm sorry. Abed just made a turtle face.
Britta: In his defense, Abed's turtle face is really funny.
Michelle: Thanks, Britta.
Jeff: Yeah, thanks.
Britta: Yeah. That was the first 20 seconds of a 40-minute message. Very informative.
Michelle: Happy valentine's day. Perfect boyfriend.
Jeff: Yeah. That's me.
Troy: Man, I cannot wait to get out Of these ridiculous outfits.
Pierce: Woof, I know. Yeah.
Troy: What are you doing? I'm parked over here.
Pierce: Oh, uh, well, um--
Señor Chang: Come on.
Troy: Um, what the hell is this?
Pierce: We're going to get frozen yogurt I'm not gay, man. They close in seven minutes.
Troy: I could have driven you.
Señor Chang: You said he hated fro yo.
Pierce: Just drive.