Season 1 - Episode 17
Written by Jessie Miller
Directed by Anthony Russo
Original Air Date: 3/4/2010
Transcribed by Priscilla T.
Jeff: Good morning, everybody.
Shirley: Hi, Jeff. I brought bagels.
Jeff: Oh, I'd love a bagel. Be a perfect beginning... For my first day of billiards class.
Shirley: Oh, did you pick a special outfit... So you can look sexy shooting pool?
Jeff: Shirley, I have no idea what you are talkin' about.
Britta: Ah, great, so much for "baggels."
Jeff: So much for what?
Britta: The baggels. You dropped them on the floor.
Troy: Uh, they're called bagels.
Britta: I lived in New York, Troy. I know what a baggel is.
Pierce: What the hell is wrong with you?
Shirley: You say bagel wrong.
Britta: I say it the same as you.
Annie: Say it again.
Britta: Baggel. Look, can we just keep studying? We're on page 258.
Pierce: What "padge" was that?
Shirley: Two "fivety" eight.
Troy: Woah. Check this out.
Pierce: Woh oh
Shirley: Oh, it's a drawing of Abed with... Hearts all around it. Strictly speaking, Troy, The bible condemns this level of friendship.
Troy: I didn't draw that. I bought that book used. It must have been whoever had it last.
Annie: Obviously, it's a girl who has a crush on Abed. this is so romantic. It's just like the Notebook, accept, instead of Alzheimer’s, Abed has--
Annie: Someone who likes him.
Pierce: Well, whoever she is, she's fat. These thick pencil lines are drawn with a heavy hand.
Shirley: We gotta find this person for Abed. Unless it's a boy- then we have to find him for Jesus. But, either way, this is going to be fun.
Señor Chang: Adios.
Señor Chang: Heh. Adios.
Señor Chang: Adios.
Señor Chang: Guys! Class is over. I'm trying to get you to leave.
Abed: Oh...Cool. Pick that up.
Shirley: Senor Chang? We're trying to figure out whose Spanish book this was... Before Troy's.
Señor Chang: Jenny Adams.
Pierce: Oh, come on. If all Chinese were psychic, you would have started... Using birth control centuries ago.
Señor Chang: Her name's in the front of the book, morons.
Shirley: Yay! He's right.
Señor Chang: Them, I understand, but how did you not think of that?
Annie: I may have been thrown off... By Britta's pronunciation of the word "bagel."
Señor Chang: How do you pronounce bagel?
Britta: I don't.
Señor Chang: Come on.
Señor Chang: Ugh! You're the worst.
Troy: So... We have a name. Jenny Adams.
Pierce: See? It's a fat girl's name. Might as well be gravy Jones.
Annie: Pierce, it doesn' matter what she looks like. This will be great for Abed.
Abed: It will?
Britta: Aren't you excited about talking to her?
Abed: I wasn't planning on it.
Jeff: Guys, come on. You heard Abed. He's not interested. Drop it.
Shirley: Jeff, you need to mind your own business And, Abed, you need to get with this girl immediately, If not sooner.
Troy: Abed, for guys like you, This kind of opportunity only comes around... Once in a li-- While.
Pierce: It's important to date in college, Abed. It's a time of freedom and exploration, A time when a simple pillow fight... Between two innocent girls could turn into a steamy night... Of unbridled lust. Britta knows all about it.
Abed: Okay, cool. So you guys are gonna can't buy me love me, right?
Britta: We're gonna what you?
Abed: You're gonna can't buy me love me. You know, transform me from zero to hero, geek to chic.
Troy: Oh, he wants us to love don't cost a thing him. Can't buy me love was the remake for white audiences.
Shirley: That's so uncomfortable when they do that. I can't believe it doesn't insult them.
Jeff: Ahem. All right, nobody here... Is can't buy me love-ing... Or love don't cost a thin g-ing anyone. Because we've all seen enough afterschool specials... And fat Albert... To know that Abed only needs to be himself.
Pierce: Sure glad there are no old people here. This conversation would probably be total gibberish to them.
Britta: Jeff's unprecedentedly right about this. Abed, when we find this girl, You're gonna approach her just the way you are, Because that's good enough.
Jeff: Yeah, and then you can take her to a nice deli... And treat her to a baggel. [laughter]
Coach Bogner: Hey, nice shooting. Good, clean strokes.
Coach Bogner: Form a line, please! My name is coach Bogner. Welcome to the art of pool. Which is a Phys. Ed. Class. Which means... That you all have to wear the proper equipment... At all times! So suit up. See you back on the felt in five.
Leonard: You're gonna look like an ass in those.
Jeff: Shut up, Leonard. I talked to your son on family day. I know all about your gambling.
Annie: All right, everybody just hang out... And be casual. My sources tell me that jenny Adams... Is the blonde who's reading right over there.
Shirley: Whoa! That's her? She's pretty! Wh-which is not a surprise at all, Abed.
Britta: Okay, Abed, we're gonna be here for moral support. Just go over there and do your thing.
Britta: Remember, be yourself.
Abed: Got it.
Troy: What are you doing?
Abed: I'm being myself.
Troy: Go be yourself by Jenny.
Abed: But I wouldn't go over there.
Pierce: How do you know that?
Abed: A lifetime of observation, mostly.
Annie: Well, do you think there's a version of yourself... That might go over there?
Annie: Could you be him?
Abed: Okay. [Abed making hissing noises]
Shirley: Oh! Oh...
Britta: What the hell was that?
Abed: A different version of me. I think it was a vampire.
Pierce: All right, if this is gonna turn ugly, I can't be here-- I'm a two-striker.
Britta: No, Pierce, please. Hang on. Abed, will you excuse us, please? Look, I know that we're all good people, And good people believe that people should be themselves. But if Abed is himself, he's gonna die alone. And if we let him be someone else without our help--
Troy: Be right back.
Pierce: I'm out of here.
[laughter and whistling]
Coach Bogner: You're not in uniform.
Jeff: Yeah, about that. We seriously have to wear shorts to play pool?
Coach Bogner: If you play in this class, it's regulation.
Jeff: Regulation pool or regulation you?
Coach Bogner: Do you have something against playing pool... With a full range of motion and optimal comfort?
Jeff: I'm comfortable in my own clothes.
Coach Bogner: I bet you are.
Jeff: I'm sorry?
Coach Bogner: I said, I bet you're comfortable... Dressed like a model instead of an athlete, Sippin' martinis and smokin'... Instead of keeping your game on the table!
Jeff: Hey, listen, man. You're implying I'm some sort of pool poser... Because I don't want to wear a bathing suit. You're the weird one. That's weird. Not me. Nobody plays pool like that.
Coach Bogner: Yeah, well, what do you call this?
Jeff: I call that your personal business, okay? And I call this class... The desecration of America’s coolest sport.
Coach Bogner: Yeah, ah, see? Right there. Ah! "coolest sport"! Okay, I want everybody to know what's going on here. This hipster is dropping this class. Because he cares more about what he looks like... Than how he's playing.
Jeff: Oh, please. You're the one with the rules about clothes. And, by the way, I could kick your ass... All over that table.
Coach Bogner: Oh, is that a challenge? Huh? Because if you play me in pool, You play me in shorts! And if you can't do that, Well, my point's already made.
Jeff: I-I-I don't have anything to prove to you. You're stupid. This is stupid! Pool in shorts is stupid!
Coach Bogner: Vanity, thy name is... His name. It's the first day. I didn't catch it.
Annie: Okay, Abed. We know that, normally, you wouldn't approach a girl, But if you don't learn how, you won't get Jenny.
Pierce: Yeah, and you got two days. Then I'm going after her.
Annie: Oh! Pierce.
Pierce: Also, if she's into Abed, let's face it. Anybody could hit that.
Abed: I understand--I need to change who I am... To someone more likable.
Shirley: No, no, no, no, sweetie. It's not about Changing. It's about learning.
Abed: Learning to change?
Annie: no, it's--
Pierce: Good grief! Clear the chickens off the runway. I'll be the bad guy. Yes, Abed, you need to be someone else. Someone who eventually gets a girlfriend. Because I can't think of anything more frightening... Than a half-Polish, half-Arab virgin in his 30s. One way or the other, That story ends with an explosion.
Troy: Let's try a practice run. All right, Annie, you sit here, okay? And be a girl. Abed, you take a run at her. Let's see what you got.
Abed: Okay. Hmm. What are you reading?
Annie: Pride and prejudice.
Abed: So you're familiar with two sins. How about a third?
Annie: I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.
Abed: Then you picked the wrong outfit. Didn't you?
Shirley: Abed, what are you doing?
Abed: Don draper from Mad Men. What'd you think?
Pierce: Put your tongue in her ear.
Annie: I liked it.
Shirley: Don't be him. He cheats on his wife. Be somebody nice, like Mike Brady. He always had that housekeeper throwing herself at him, And he never made a move on her.
Britta: Don't be Mike Brady. Mike Brady’s not sexy. You should be like Jo from facts of life. But, you know, the dude version.
Pierce: I knew it.
Troy: You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger. He always went on dope adventures. If anything stood in his way, he just peed on it.
Pierce: Calvin Coolidge?
Annie: No, you guys, Don Draper was clearly the sexiest. [overlapping comments]
Jeff: What are you guys doing?
Abed: They're teaching me how to be someone else.
Jeff: Oh, for god's sake. What did I tell you guys?
Abed: Oh, for god's sakes, everybody, do whatever you want! Leave each other alone!
Troy: Whoa! That's a good Jeff.
Abed: How'd you do that? 10% dick van dyke, 20% Sam Malone, 40% Zach Braff from scrubs, And 30% Hilary Swank in boys don't cry.
Jeff: Zach Braff?
Britta: Abed, what if you just did Jeff for Jenny?
Jeff: Uh, and your point is? Look, I don't want any part of this. And I can't believe that you're still doing it... After I already explained the obvious lessons, Smacking you in the face.
Troy: Hey, why aren't you in billiards class?
Jeff: Because I don't look cool in shorts!
Shirley: Oh! Whoa.
Abed: 'cause I'm not cool in shorts!
Britta: that was good.
Shirley: Just like him.
Troy: That was really good.
Abed: I don't want to spoil the ending, but, uh... Pride ends up with prejudice.
Jenny: that's funny.
Abed: I know. Stick with me, and you'll get a laugh or two. That's the Abed guarantee.
Jenny: I feel like I've seen you before.
Annie: It's working.
Shirley: I know.
Abed: I get that a lot, from art students. I'm told I have a face made for sketching. I'd rather think it was made for kissing.
White Abed: How 'bout for punching?
White Abed: What are you doing hitting on my girlfriend, ugly?
Abed: This is awkward.
Britta: Oh, my god.
Troy: It's a white Abed.
Pierce: I-I-I--it's like Abed, but employable.
White Abed: Let's do this, huh, boss? Let's go, slumdog.
Dean Pelton: And one last lost and found announcement, Jeff Winger, I've been informed by coach Bogner... That you left your panties in his pool class. So better pick those up.
Jeff: When is he gonna stop doing that? Do you know that he called me a hipster? Hipster! I mean, do hipsters walk around... Wearing $300 jeans from Italy?
Annie: Can we please talk about Abed? Thanks to us, his heart's been broken.
Jeff: Well, I hate to say that I told you so. So I'll shout it through cupped hands. I told you so!
Annie: We were only trying to help.
Pierce: Oh, come on. Who are we kidding? Jeff's right-- Abed was happy being Abed, Till we had to sully his mind with thoughts of love... And romance...And vaginas.
Jeff: Those are the big three. That's what they call them.
Britta: Poor Abed, he's probably too sad... To get out of bed this morning.
Annie: Abed. About yesterday--
Abed: Oh, yeah. You guys must be pretty upset.
Britta: Why would we be upset?
Abed: Well, I know how important it was for you... That I get a girlfriend. So when Jenny went off with White Abed, It must have really hurt.
Troy: Ah, it did.
Jeff: White Abed?
Shirley: Jenny's boyfriend is a white guy... That's almost identical to Abed. Name is Joey, and that's why the sketch was in Troy's book.
Jeff: So does that make Abed "brown Joey"?
Shirley: If you want to get racist about it.
Britta: Abed, you know we just want you... To be happy, right?
Abed: Yeah, I know. Everybody wants me to be happy. Everybody wants to help me. But usually, when they find out they can't, They get frustrated and stop talking to me, Or they trick me into buying them ice cream... And then shove me into a clothes dryer. Which I didn't want to happen with you guys, So I wanted to make sure that you felt like you could help me. The truth is, lots of girls like me, Because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable. And my aloofness unconsciously reminds them... Of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.
Britta: So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?
Abed: Britta, I got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. Because when you really know who you are... And what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.
Jeff: Abed... You're a god. If you'll all excuse me... I have a man to beat in pool while wearing shorts.
Pierce: Is that code for going number one... Or number two?
Britta: Abed, you've inspired me too. People can mock me all they want. I don't care how I say the word "baggel." [laughter]
Annie: She said "baggel." Would you like another one?
Abed: Hey, let's play some pool.
Coach Bogner: Hey, nice cross corner, Leonard.
Coach Bogner: I'd like to see Jeff Winger try that shot... Without the benefit of his stylish clothing.
Jeff: Oh, would you?
Coach Bogner: Jeff winger. Shouldn't you be at a urban outfitters?
Jeff: I'll go there later, if I feel like it. But first, I have to hand someone... Their tightly polyester-swaddled ass... In a game of pool.
Jeff: Now, do you want to talk about clothes like a girl? Or use tapered sticks to hit balls... Around a cushioned table... Like a man?
Coach Bogner: Balls, like a man. Rack 'em!
Jeff: I'll break.
Coach Bogner: Why? 'cause it looks cool?
Jeff: I don't know. You tell me.
Coach Bogner: Get out of the way.
Jeff: Chk Chk boom! Yeah, let me just clean... This side of the table off here, all right? Okay, there you go. See that? There you go. Oh, yeah. Yeah, what do you think of that?
Coach Bogner: See, you haven't learned anything! Except how to look cool playing pool in shorts!
Jeff: You're wrong, man. I'm just having a good time... Because I love playin' pool.
Coach Bogner: Liar! You think you look cool.
Jeff: Yeah? Well, how cool is this?
Jeff: Stop projecting your obsession with clothes onto me... As an excuse for when I beat you in a game... Of real pool!
Coach Bogner: Oh, you wanna play real pool, huh? I'll play real pool. Now who doesn't care how they look?
Señor Chang: Shouldn't you be stopping this?
Dean Pelton: Soon, soon. Just...Gathering evidence.
Señor Chang: Three to one against Winger. Who's on? Tres.
Coach Bogner: You know what, Jeff? One of us is about to win this game. But years from now, when the story's retold, All they're gonna remember... Is one of us loved clothes. And the other loved... The game. [both screaming]
Coach Bogner: Look at me. Look at me! You beat me. From now on, you play pool dressed however you choose.
Jeff: I choose shorts. I choose shorts! Shorts!
Coach Bogner: You son of a bitch. You magnificent son of a bitch!
Troy: That was awesome.
Dean Pelton: Let me get in here. Oh! Okay, you're sweaty. All right, all right.
Student: Nice game.
Student: Look, I-I hope this doesn't... Sound too... Forward, but, um... Could you introduce me to your friend? You know what?
Jeff: I-I know that guy's M.O., And I think it's better if you introduce yourself.
Student: Okay. Hi.
White Abed: Man...Why couldn't I be brown Joey?
Troy: Hey Abed
Abed: Hey Troy
Troy: Here’s the Spanish book I borrowed
Abed: Did you get your own book?
Troy: Something like that
Abed: Wait a second
Troy: [laughs] It’s okay lets have cookies
Abed: Okay Mmm-hmmm
Troy: My cousins funeral’s today
Abed: Oh is that—that was today
Troy: I knew there was some reason I couldn’t do this today
Abed: Poor Dimitri.