Season 3 - Episode 1
Written by Dan Harmon
Directed by Anthony Russo
Original Air Date: 9/22/2011
Transcribed by Stephanie H.
Jeff: [singing] We’re gonna fly to school each morning, we’re gonna smile the entire time!
Britta: We’re gonna be more happy, we’re gonna finally be fine!
Abed: We’re gonna get more calm and normal!
Troy: We’re gonna fix our state of mind!
Annie: We’re gonna be less crazy!
Jeff, Annie and Britta: We’re gonna finally be fine!
Shirley: We’re gonna stand holding hands in a brand new land, far away from the borderline!
Dean: We’re gonna seem like a mainstream dream!
Chang: And be appealing to all manki-i-i-ind!
Everyone: We’re gonna have more fun and be less weird than the first two years combined! And we’re gonna live forever!
Jeff and Annie: And we’re gonna sleep together!
Everyone: And we’re gonna finally be sunny and shiny, we’re gonna finally be fiiine!
Annie: Jeff? Jeff?
Jeff: Oh, sorry. Uh, what was the question?
Annie: What’re we gonna do without Pierce in the study group this year?
Jeff: I’m sure we’ll figure it out.
Troy: Speaking of figuring things out, me and Abed have an announcement.
Abed: Troy and I are living together!
Annie: Oh, that’s-
Shirley: Ooh, that’s nice!
Troy: If you wanna get us a gift we’re registered at Linins & Things.
Abed: We have plenty of linins, we mainly want the things.
Dean: How do you like me now, bitches?
Troy: Dean, you seem different! Are you in a play right now?
Dean: Over the summer I decided it was time to whip this place into shape. I’m gonna be a mean, lean, Deaning machine. No more paintball, no more spaceships, no more trampolines, and no more- [metal tinging] What is that?
Troy: It’s probably the monkey that lives in the vents. I named him ‘Annie’s Boobs,’ after Annie’s boobs.
Dean: See, this is the kind of national lampoonery that is coming to an end this year. Homie don’t dean this.
Britta: Okay guys, let’s get to Biology on time. I don’t wanna be a screw-up this year.
Jeff: Uh, Britta. [taps Biology book, Britta has a Chemistry book]
Britta: Damn it!
Annie: We’re really doing this without Pierce? So sad!
Jeff: Yeah, we have parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest, elderly, crazy friend. And he’s not coming back.
Pierce: I’m back!
Everyone: Yay! Pierce! Hi! Alright!
Annie: How was your summer?
Pierce: Enlightful, Annie. I underwent three months of intensive soul-rezoning at the Laser Lotus Celebrity Center. I stand before you a more highly evolved Pierce Hawthorne, one that can accept that this table has a- has a sort of magic in it.
Annie and Shirley: Aww!
Pierce: And I’d like to come back.
Jeff: DAMN IT. …Oh, uh, sorry. I just had the frustrating realization that you can’t come back to the group, because you’re not in Biology and it’s all filled up.
Pierce: Well, couldn’t we take something else? I mean, surely we’ve evolved beyond caring what class we take together?
Annie: Oh, yeah. Pierce!
Jeff: I’ll do you one better. I think we’ve evolved beyond reliance on a group at all. Aren’t we just actual friends now, no matter where we are? You know what’s magic about this table? It magically keeps our books from falling on the floor. The table’s for studying, but as friends we’ve evolved. And let’s use that first breath of crisp, new, super evolved air to declare proudly and in one voice, “Pierce, we’ll see you when we see you.”
Chang: [bursts from the air vent] Don’t tell the monkey I’m living here.
Shirley: Oh! Starburns, I see you added a lizard to your special hat and sideburns! Am I missing anything?
Starburns: Yeah. The human being underneath it all, but no-one’s really interested in that, are they?
Annie: I hope we did the right thing about Pierce. He really seems like he’s changed.
Jeff: What are you, nuts? That’s what he wants you to think! Trust me, we’re better off without him.
Annie: Excluding Pierce is what drove him crazy last year!
Jeff: Wrong, being crazy drove him excluded.
Shirley: [Abed whines] What’s wrong?
Abed: Cougar Town’s been moved to midseason.
Abed: That’s never a good sign. Not cool. Not cool, not cool, not cool.
Troy: Hey buddy, hey! It’s coming back in January. Six seasons and a movie.
Abed: Six seasons and a movie.
Professor Kane: This is intro to Biology. I’m your professor, Dr. Marshall Kane, PhD. It took me six thousand, two hundred five hours to get my degree, and I know, because I was only allowed in the library one hour per day at the San Vincente Correctional Facility, whilst serving a sentence of twenty-five to life. Now, let’s talk about that word: “Life.” [Jeff’s phone rings]
Jeff: Uh, sorry. It’s a new phone. Switching to vibrate. Continue. This is really great.
Professor Kane: I stared at a crack in the ground in my cell for years, and one day something grew from it. A single blade of grass. [Jeff’s phone vibrates]
Jeff: Vibrate’s louder than the ringer! Gosh. You know what? Turning it off.
Professor Kane: Living thing, growing from dead stone. [Jeff’s phone rings] Get out.
Jeff: Oh, it’s off, it’s off!
Professor Kane: OUT.
Jeff: I turned it off! …Fine, okay, fine. I’m leaving.
Professor Kane: And don’t bother coming back.
Jeff: Seriously? Hey, dude, Sean Penn called. He says to dial it back. …Sean Penn is an actor who-
Professor Kane: I know who Sean Penn is. I’ve seen Milk. Now, get out.
Starburns: Dude. Learn to blend.
Dean: I will not tolerate monkeys living on campus. If I wanted to run a monkey hotel, I’d install a banana buffet. I’d use vines as elevators, and I’d put tail holes in the bathrobes, and I’d lower all the shower knobs.
Sergeant Nunez: Wow, you’ve really thought this through.
Dean: And now it’s your turn. Brainstorm. Idea showers. Spray your solutions all over me.
Sergeant Nunez: Well, we-we could seal all the vents, and then pump the ducts with some kinda gas that knocks out monkeys?
Dean: Monkey knockout gas! Now, that’s the kind of grounded, sensible thinking I wanna see this year! Catherine, who’s next?
Catherine: Vice Dean Laybourne from the air-conditioning repair school annex.
Dean: Vice Dean.
Laybourne: Dean! New suit Dean?
Dean: New Dean, Vice Dean. New Dean. I see that you used school funds to buy an espresso machine for your faculty break room. I don’t recall being consulted on that.
Laybourne: I don’t consult you on anything.
Dean: That’s the problem. The air-conditioning repair school annex seems to think that it’s separate from Greendale, but it’s an annex. An appendage, on a body, with a head, and this head is saying to this appendage, “Whazup?”
Laybourne: What you say makes sense, Dean. Tell you what. You bring your head down to my appendage tomorrow, and I’ll show you, “whazup.”
Dean: I’ll be there. [They laugh to each other]
Britta: I think I found something that will help Abed! Abed, did you know that Cougar Town is an American adaptation of a 1990s British sitcom?
Abed: Cougarton Abbey.
CA Character 1: Just been aroud Cougarton Chapel. I may be having an awakening.
CA Character 2: Come off it, Deidre. You’ve only been having a butcher’s at the choir boys.
Abed: Better than nothing. Thanks, Britta.
Jeff: Can you believe that guy, kicking me out of class like that? It’s gonna be impossible to find a science class with six open spots.
Annie: Why would we need to do that?
Jeff: Because I’m not in Biology anymore.
Annie: And neither is Pierce, but you’re both still our friends. We’ve evolved. Right, Jeff?
Jeff: Yes, we have. And we all love each other.
Jeff: And we all go to the same school, so, uh… I guess I’ll see ya when I see ya.
Pierce: Hey, guess what? I was on the wait list for Biology, somebody got kicked out, I am here to study!
Leonard: All hail Sir Eats Alone!
Jeff: Shut up, Leonard. I heard about your prescription socks. [Leonard blows raspberry]
Abed: Hope you don’t mind, Jeff, but I’ve got a new favourite show, and I’m only on Episode Six.
Jeff: You guys got about five minutes left to eat.
Shirley: Oh, my! Time flies when you’re studying the science of life!
Jeff: Well, I think time flies when you’re joking around about movie titles that sound like names for poops. [Everyone laughs]
Troy: The Remains of the Day. [Everyone laughs]
Britta: Wait a second! Were you eavesdropping on our study session?
Jeff: I was eavesdropping on your goof-off session, and you dummies missed the most obvious one.
Shirley: No, I said Green Mile.
Jeff: Operation Dumbo Drop!
Shirley: Oh, Jeffrey!
Pierce: Too clever by half, Jeffrey.
Jeff: All right, well, uh, I gotta go. Thanks for the five minutes.
Shirley: Aw, Jeffrey!
CA Character 2: Blimey! The barrister’s foreclosed the Abbey!
CA Character 1: Fancy a drink, then?
CA Character 2: Oi, fetch us a Hemlock.
Abed: Um… Uuuuum!
Troy: Britta? Why did everyone on Cougarton Abbey just die?
Britta: They only ran six episodes. That’s the great thing about British TV, they give you closure.
Shirley: Oh! [Abed screams]
Troy: No, no! We’ll find you a new favourite show! We’ll find you a new favourite show! Come on, buddy! [to Britta] You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world’s mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.
Chang: You don’t need them, man.
Jeff: Exactly. I’ll see ‘em when I see ‘em.
Chang: Totally. You and I, we should hang out some time, huh? Grab a drink?
Jeff: Sure. Where are you living now?
Chang: The air vents. I live in the air vents of the school. Shh! I’m free, Jeff. Free!
Jeff: I gotta get back in that class.
Dean: Real Dean coming through… Oh my goodness, spacious! Vice Dean? Is this where Greendale’s money is going?
Laybourne: More accurately, Dean, it’s where Greendale’s money comes from. Our air-conditioning program has a job placement rate five times higher than the rest of your school combined. Our alumni donations comprise 80% of your entire school’s budget. And you want to know why we think we deserve an espresso machine?!
Dean: AH! Well, I guess I didn’t know. I-
Laybourne: And you never had to, Dean. You could have lived the rest of your life in blissful ignorance and died a happy, pansexual imp. But you wanted to feel power this year. Well, now you’re going to feel my power as it surges downward from me straight through you from nostril to rectum, now until the end of time. And that’s “whazup.”
Dean: I forgot everything you said before ‘rectum!’ Wh-who are these guys?
Laybourne: This is my legal team, because I think it’s time we worked out a new agreement.
Dean: He doesn’t look like a lawyer.
Laybourne: That’s a barber, because I’m also sick of that ridiculous goatee. You look like a white Lou Gossett Jr. [Dean screams]
Jeff: You deserve a bigger office.
Professor Kane: Biggest office I ever had.
Jeff: I’m here to apologise, Dr. Kane, and beg you for a seat in Biology.
Professor Kane: I tell you what, *NSYNC, you wanna learn about life? Give up the phone.
Jeff: Oh, you’re asking me for a bribe?
Professor Kane: I can’t be bought, man. You feel me? See, my prison was my walls. But you put your walls up. You, and your phone, and your attitude, and your Fruit Loops cologne. Your walls put up so tight, man, not even a blade of grass could get through. But even if it did, you wouldn’t appreciate it. Ha, that’s why you can’t come back to my class.
Jeff: What’s your problem with me, man? And don’t act like it’s not about me specifically, because you’ve been in… [picks up a photo] Busted!
Chang: Hey! Take it easy, Winger! Everything okay?
Jeff: It is now that I have this. [holds up photo] This is my ticket to getting back in the group. [Chang snatches the photo] Hey! Hey!
Chang: I wanna be in the group so bad! [crawls into air vent]
Sergeant Nunez: Alright, let’s smoke ‘em and choke ‘em.
Chang: No, no, no, nooo! …uh-oh.
Jeff: What is that?
Chang: Monkey gaaaas!
Jeff: Monkey gas? [smoke comes towards him] Oh. My. God!
Annie: Abed? All your friends are here. They wanna talk to you.
Pierce: I don’t get it. How is this different from the way he always is?
Shirley: I don’t wanna push it, but this would be a great time to baptize him.
Britta: Abed, maybe this can be your new favourite show! It’s a British sci-fi series that’s been on the air since 1962.
Troy: Britta, you’ve done enough, okay? Why don’t you go start a ruiners’ club? Oh, wait. You’d probably just ruin it!
Britta: Well then, I’d be doing a good job because it’s a ruiners’ club.
Troy: You RUINED my analogy!
Annie: Guys, look!
Reggie: Blimey, Inspector! Where have we wound up this time?
Inspector Spacetime: The question isn’t where, Constable, but when.
Reggie: Inspector, look out! Blorgons!
Blorgons: Eradicate! Eradicate!
Abed: This is the best show I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
Annie and Britta: Ahh!
Jeff: Having fun without me again?
Troy: Jeff, what happened? You look seventy.
Annie: Abed has a new favourite TV show, Jeff! It’s called Inspector Spacetime.
Jeff: Can it, boobs! I came here to let you know that your best friend, Pierce, is the one that got me kicked out of bio class and the study group. It was a plan he hatched from the beginning with his pal, Professor Kane.
Pierce: But, Jeff, that’s a photo I gave our professor of me visiting Hawthorne Wipes’ spokesman and rap artist Sugar Cube in prison during the nineties.
Jeff: Well, they… They look alike!
Troy: Uh, I guess they share one important feature in your eyes.
Jeff: Well, that’s not fair! Look, I, I, I… I was standing far away, and I saw the prison uniform!
Shirley: Oh, Jeffrey!
Jeff: Oh, come on. Obviously I don’t mean all black people who are in prison!
Annie: Okay, Jeff, clearly you have gone off the deep end.
Pierce: Don’t blame him. The table is powerful, and being cut off from it-
Jeff: Shut the- …I’ve become agitated. I apologise. We’ll continue this discourse at a later date. Goodnight.
Annie: He just needs some space.
Jeff: [runs in carrying an axe and hits it into the table] AHHH.
Jeff: I’m going to kill the one that you love! I’m gonna kill it! [hits table with axe repeatedly] As long as it breathes, it controls our lives!
Dean: I just came by to tell everyone this year isn’t gonna be that different. With the notable exception, we really won’t have any money. Have a nice night.
Jeff: What is with that guy?
Dean: Did you find the monkey?
Sergeant Nunez: No, but here’s the invoice for the gassing.
Dean: Okay, as it turns out, I cannot pay this… Or your salaries starting on two weeks ago. But, what I do have are these vouchers for the classes of your choosing.
Sergeant Nunez: You’re lucky I need my SCUBA certification.
Chang: Wah! Ahhhhhhh! Okay, okay. I’m the one living in your vents. I have no home and no job.
Dean: Does that mean you’ll work for room and board?
Jeff: Okay, I was lying the whole time. I didn’t want the group to evolve. I just didn’t want Pierce around. I hate him.
Annie: Okay, but Jeff, what you did, it’s hard to get past that. I know you’re already out of the study group, but I’m gonna have to ask that you stop being my friend.
Pierce: Okay, look, everybody. Here’s the thing. I-I am not as evolved as I said I was. The Biology class was full, so I told Professor Kane I’d pay him a few thousand dollars to kick Jeff out.
Shirley: I can’t believe Jeff attacked a table with a fire axe and still only managed to be the second craziest man in the room!
Britta: Okay, everybody in favour of voting Pierce out of the group?
Jeff: Stop, stop! Pierce isn’t crazy. The table is magic. As someone who’s been on the other side, I can tell you, it’s a scary, lonely, Chang-filled world out there. And sure, this group has sprouted some legs, but why are we in such a rush to leave the tide pool, when the only things waiting for us on shore are the sands of time, and the hungry seagulls of slowly growing apart?
Troy: Man, I really need this Biology class.
Jeff: Pierce. Professor Kane has never taken a bribe from anyone in his life. You feel me?
Pierce: Yeah, I lied, but you seem to have a harder time being the bad guy than me.
Jeff: You’re right, I do. Which, in a weird way, makes me a pretty bad guy.
Pierce: We’re one and the same.
Jeff: Please don’t.
Annie: Jeff, but you’re still kicked out of Biology!
Jeff: Oh, I’m not worried about it. Life has a way of breaking through.
Starburns: So, uh, here’s what I’m thinking. I’m a drug dealer, right? And you’re a scientist, so couldn’t we get, like, a Breaking Bad type of thing going?
Professor Kane: Sorry, Star-Face, you just lost your seat in my class.
Annie: There, now the table is good as new.
Britta: And so is Abed!
Troy: Britta, I’m sorry I was overprotective of Abed. I’ll try and be more supportive of you.
Britta: Well, here’s your first chance. Helping Abed has inspired me to finally declare a major. I’m gonna study Psychology!
Jeff: Like, in a research capacity?
Britta: No, in a hands-on capacity. I’m gonna be a therapist!
Chang: Hey, hey, hey. Keep it down. There’s a new sheriff in town.
Jeff: Oh, interesting. So this is the year we all die.
Troy: Yep, we’re all gonna die.
Shirley: This is our last year.