- The Comprehensive Source for Community Quotes!, for all your quoting needs.
Season 4 - Episode 2
"Paranormal Parentage"
Written by Dan Harmon
Directed by Tristram Shapeero
Original Air Date: 2/14/2013
Transcribed by Tara H.
Shirley: And Andre is going as Han Solo.
Britta, Troy & Abed: Aww.
Shirley: The boys are Stormtroopers and little baby Ben is an Ewok.
Britta & Troy: Aww.
Abed: Aw. You don’t have enough children.
Jeff: Happy Halloween parties, everyone. You all look great. [to Britta]Ham.
Britta: Pig. Let me guess. You’re a flimsy excuse to be shirtless, wearing silk underwear.
Jeff: And you’re as wrong as you are welcome. No, this year I planned a two-person costume with Annie. She’s going as my ring girl. [Screams]
Annie: Pretty freaky-deaky, huh?
Jeff: Annie, no. I meant the boxing match ring girl. The sexy ones that hold the round numbers.
Annie: Yeah, see, this is why we can’t just text about it, Jeff. I don’t watch sports.
Abed: But there’s no boxer in The Ring.
Annie: Yeah, well I don’t watch scary movies.
Britta: “And that’s why we leave the couples’ costumes to the couples” she said wisely.
Jeff: You should probably warn your boyfriend’s boyfriend.
Britta: Just because we’re dating it doesn’t mean that we have to do everything together.
Jeff: You need to do some things together.
Troy: We do some things. We do a lot of things. Not all the things. Things.
Jeff: Okay, we’re all here, minus Pierce, who wasn’t invited to Vicki’s party for reasons beyond our control or concern. [Troy’s cell phone rings, playing Daybreak]
Annie: No mystery there. She put a pencil through his face. [All chuckle.]
Abed: Does Vicki have a TV?
Jeff: Abed, it’s a party. No watching TV.
Abed: No, I’ll be watching Annie. She started watching Cougar Town reruns. Which makes Annie my third-favorite show. And tonight is their Hallo-wine special.
Annie: Ooo, that’s right. Better not miss the merlot. Clink. What? You fall into it.
Troy: That was Pierce. He accidentally locked himself in his panic room. He needs our help.
All: Oh.
Jeff: No “Oh.” “Oh” means we are going against our will, and we are not going. He’s lying.
Troy: He seemed pretty upset. He’s been all alone up there in that mansion ever since I moved out and his dad, you know, got killed by Jeff.
Britta: Calling for help. A classic call for help. “Hello, Dr. Perry’s office. Damaged psyche? Yes, I’ll accept the charges.”
Jeff: Heads, lock up your brains. Britta’s on the prowl for fresh therapy meat.
Annie: Maybe we should just stop by on our way to the party.
Jeff: I assure you, the only thing Pierce is trapped in is adolescence. He’s a geriatric toddler, throwing the most elaborate tantrums money can buy. And I for one am not gonna stand by and allow some lonely ridiculous person to derail our group’s plans.
Dean: Dean, dean, dean! To your corners, fighters. Someone save me a towel. You guys going to Vicki’s party?
Jeff: We just gotta do this thing first.
Britta: Holy Helen, this place is huge.
Troy: Seems spookier than I remember.
Jeff: The only thing spooky about this place is the tacky décor. It’s like David Lee Roth threw up Miami Vice. Ugh. So tacky.
Annie: I don’t know. Maybe Pierce isn’t doing so well since he lost his father and then his inheritance in a video game battle with Gilbert, an illegitimate half-brother he never knew he had. I guess I’ve never said it out loud.
Troy: Guys, over here. Mr. Hawthorne’s panic room, one of the 27 stops on the guided tour I had to memorize before moving into Hawthorne Manor.
Annie: Does the house get many visitors?
Troy: You’re the first. Impenetrable titanium carbonite door, hacker-proof key-code access panel and impressive video telecom screen with remote. Maximum occupancy one, with female companion. Purchased June 30th, 1989. It took me forever to remember that date.
Abed: June 30th, 1989. Theatrical release of Do the Right Thing.
Troy: Oh! Oh.
Jeff: Wait, it might be a trap. Or it might let him out. Either way, we—
Annie: Oh, put a sock in it, shorts.
Pierce: [on the monitor] Oh, hey guys.
Shirley: Pierce, are you okay?
Pierce: Oh, sure, fine, fine. I was dusting in here and I must have bumped a switch or something. As the graceful one in the group, I’m kind of embarrassed.
Britta: Don’t be. I’ve been locked in way worse places than this. Oh, not against my will. Been in there long?
Pierce: No, not long, but I couldn’t remember the damn code. Sorry to be a burden on you guys but I guess that’s all I am now.
All: Aww.
Shirley: It’s okay. We’re happy to help.
Troy: Yeah, no sweat, Boba Fett.
Abed: Yeah, do you have a TV?
Annie: What Abed means is did you write the code down anywhere?
Pierce: Yes, it’s in a red notebook in my study or my bedroom, maybe. I used to know where everything was before I fired my maid. Now there’s no reason to use my safe.
Annie: That’s okay. We’ll find it. It’ll take two secs.
Jeff: Or we take one sec and just skip to the catch. This place has not been dusted in months and he starts with the panic room? No sale. He’s not a sad old man. He’s a sad old liar.
Shirley: Jeffrey!
Pierce: No, no, he’s right. I’ve been lying to you. The truth is, last night, I got up to get a glass of red wi- water, and only way back from the cellar I saw something that scared me so badly I locked myself in here on purpose. The part about not remembering the code is true. I’m very thirsty.
Troy: Why didn’t you call me sooner?
Pierce: I had to come up with that awesome dusting story because if you knew what spooked me you’d probably call me crazy and old.
Jeff: No one’s gonna call you, Pierce.
Annie: You can tell us. We’re here to help you.
Pierce: I thought I saw my dad.
All: Ohh.
Pierce: It looked like his face was coming right through the wall. But that’s impossible, because my dad is dead.
Jeff: Aha! I mean, not “Aha, your dad is dead,” but “Aha, I knew it.” Ghost dad, exploring your haunted mansion for secret codes? Nice try, Pierce. You gotta be kidding me. What in the Scooby-Doo is happening to you people?
Annie: Jeff, just go to the party and we’ll meet you there. We’re gonna stay and help Pierce.
Jeff: He doesn’t need help. He needs attention. Are you really this naïve?
Annie: Am I naïve? I’m sure as stuff not your sexy little ring girl.
Britta: I—
Jeff: Can it, ham. She’s also my ride.
Britta: Troy said—
Jeff: Pierce’s bedroom is the third door on the left. I didn’t leave my short-term memory at Coachella.
Britta: Jeez, Winger, keep it above the belt.
Jeff: I’m sorry.
Britta: Already forgotten.
Jeff: This house is getting to me.
Britta: I know. Kind of weird that a dead person used to live here.
Jeff: No, what’s weird is that a living person lived here, with his parents, well into his sixties, then they died and he’s still here like a paralyzed Peter Pan.
Britta: Not for long. I’m gonna set my shrink ray to “daddy issues” and blast that sucker full of closure.
Jeff: I guess it can’t hurt.
Britta: Exactly. Because in one way or another, therapy is always helpful.
Jeff: No, because there’s no possible way you could mess him up worse. It’s like practicing on a cadaver. Knock yourself out.
Britta: This has gotta be it.
Jeff: Ugh. Wish I didn’t have so much exposed skin. [Groans]
Britta: Tubular.
Jeff: I, too, lack the adjectives. Now, how does one search for a red notebook that doesn’t exist without looking, touching or creating future nightmares?
Britta: I’ll check the nightstand.
Jeff: I’ll check my messages.
Britta: Oh, my God. Pierce keeps his dad’s bow tie by his bed. Yeesh. Table for Siggy Freud, party of—
Jeff: Britta, stop answering phones. How about we ask Rip van Racism where the codes are?
Britta: Don’t that’s not nice.
Jeff: What? He was a tightfisted, philandering bigot who got to outlive most bridges. We don’t owe him our reverence. How about it, you old bag of dust? You got our numbers?
Britta: I’m serious, stop it.
Jeff: Come on. You don’t really believe in ghosts?
Britta: I don’t know. I’m just not so quick to rule it out. I believe people can be haunted by unresolved issues in their past.
Jeff: Yeah, but issues don’t turn into ghosts.
Britta: Maybe for Pierce, they have. Maybe Pierce and his dad have some seriously unfinished business.
Jeff: No, the dead can’t have business. They can’t want or think or do. It’s what makes them dead. It’s the living who choose to be haunted. Cornelius was barely a dad. Now he’s nothing. Pierce can keep staring into that void or he can turn around, face his future like I did, and say: “Who gives a crap who my dad was? I’m my own man now.” Wow, pretty slick, Britta. Using ghosts to trick me into opening up. Too bad it didn’t work.
Britta: Oh, man, so this is what the zone feels like. Ohh. Analyze this.
Annie: We don’t wanna go over the same area twice, so be thorough.
Abed: Thorough. Got it.
Annie: [Gasps] More of a burnt umber, but I won’t hold that against him. “Pierce Hawthorne’s ideas for ladies”? Oh, please. “Blond, long legs, with tennis racquet. Asian Rockette. Big boobs, redhead, but doctor, question mark.” Oh, he’s not 100 percent on that one?
Abed: This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
Annie: Okay, I don’t have the codes. Maybe Shirley and Troy are having better luck in the library. Abed? Abed? If this is supposed to be like that part in that movie that’s like this, I would like to remind you that I don’t watch scary movies, and therefore cannot appreciate the homage! Abed? [Yelps] I hate reference humor.
Shirley: Hold on. I’ve been offended by this coat rack before. Are we going in circles?
Troy: Okay. So maybe I spent a little less time in the library than, say, the walk-in cereal closet, but it’s definitely near here.
Shirley: Skipped this door.
Troy: Pierce told me I don’t need to go in there.
Shirley: Then it’s probably the library. Racist son of a-- Sodom and Gomorrah.
Troy: It’s Pierce’s special gym. He never let me use it because he thinks I’m a child.
Shirley: Hold—
Troy: He’s hiding the indoor swing and I’m the child.
Shirley: No, Troy, get out of there. 

Troy: Why does he have so many collars? Secret dogs.
Shirley: Oh. It’s okay. Come on. Oh, no. Forget you saw that, and then forget I knew what it was.
Troy: Great, you won’t tell me, Pierce won’t tell me. I have no idea what to Google. I’ll never know.
Shirley: Believe me, dating Britta, you’ll know too much too soon, soon enough.
Troy: What does Britta have to do with this?
Shirley: Well, she’s a modern woman, with experienced tastes. I think it’s nice you two are dating. I only hope she doesn’t make you feel pressured.
Troy: Pressured to what?
Shirley: To fulfill her expectations.
Troy: Expectations of what?
Shirley: Heh-heh. Never mind.
Troy: Unsatisfied with what?
Shirley: Oh! [Shirley whimpers]
Troy & Annie: [Both Scream]
Annie: I lost Abed. I turned around and he disappeared.
Troy: I told you to never let him out of your sight. That goes double for holidays and wax museums.
Shirley: How are we gonna find him?
Troy: I don’t know, but we have to. He’s probably already looking for us.
[voice on tv, sounding like Courteney Cox]: Oh, well, that’s Hallo-wine in Cougar Town for you.
Abed: Heh-heh-heh. Oh ladies, I’ll follow you anywhere.
Jeff: I do not have daddy issues.
Abed: You get two minutes.
Britta: Denial is the first step to acceptance.
Jeff: That can’t be right.
Britta: Says that deny-ist.
Jeff: Not a word.
Britta: You wanna keep digging this hole. Confronting your issues now could prevent you from ending up haunted like Pierce.
Jeff: I’ll never end up like Pierce.
Britta: Won’t you?
Jeff: No, cause I’m nothing like him.
Britta: Aren’t you?
Jeff: Are you gonna keep doing that?
Britta: Am I?
Jeff: The worst therapist? No, because you’re not a therapist. But since you’re misdiagnosing me by a mile, let me point out some differences. Pierce was raised by his dad. Mine took off when I was 8. Pierce spent his whole pathetic life begging for scraps of his father’s approval. I moved on. Maybe Pierce needs a dad, I don’t.
Britta: Don’t you?
Jeff: Stop that! Okay, if I need a dad so bad how come I’ve had his phone number for three weeks without the slightest urge to call him?
Britta: You found your dad?
Jeff: Did I?
Britta: Give it here!
Abed: I remember when this show was about a community college.
Pierce: [on security monitor] No, you keep the fish sticks, senator. Enjoy the boat show.
Abed: Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Britta: Just let me see the number! For medical purposes!
Jeff: No!
Britta: Help me heal your heart hole!
Jeff: Never!
Britta: Jeffrey!
Jeff: So, this is where Pierce has been hiding the taste. Here’s to you, Cornelius. Gone, but not forgiven. Of course. Otherwise it wouldn’t be pointless.
Annie: This is pointless. We have no Abed, no codes. Pierce sent us on a wild goose chase. Jeff was right. I am naïve.
Shirley: Oh, don’t listen to him.
Troy: There’s nothing naïve about helping a friend in need. Jeff would know that if he wasn’t too cool for after-school specials.
Annie: Thanks, Troy.
Troy: Don’t worry. Abed’s here. I can feel him. Maybe we should loop back to the indoor swing room.
Annie: Indoor swing? That’s ridiculous. Someone’s gonna break a lamp.
Shirley: [Under breath] Break something on it.
[Rapping on door.]
Jeff: Britta, while I applaud your gentle approach to psychoanalysis, I’m not gonna talk about it. Hey, cut it out! You’re gonna break the…door.
[Walls cracking and creaking]
Britta: Well, look who came crawling back.
Jeff: Not crawling, walking. Quite briskly. Follow.
Troy: I like talking to you, Annie. It’s easy. I hope you feel like you can talk to me too.
Annie: Aww. I—I—
Troy: Spit it out. No secrets between roomies.
Annie: Behind you.
Troy: I’m behind you too.
Annie: Hands. Wall!
Troy: Not sure where you’re going here, but just let it out.
[Annie & Shirley scream.]
Troy: Don’t let it out! Don’t let it out!
[All screaming.]
Shirley, Annie & Troy: [running down the hall] AHHH!!!
Jeff & Britta: AHHH??
Shirley, Annie & Troy: AHHH!!!
[all 5 run down the hall, screaming]
Jeff: All right, Pierce, turn off your haunted house!
[All scream]
Britta: Oh, my God, Pierce is dead.
Shirley: Cornelius killed him.
Troy: I broke the remote! Do you think it’s expensive?
Troy: Please, Pierce. Please don’t die slightly before your time.
Shirley: This means we’re next, and I care about us.
Annie: Where--?
Pierce: Gotcha!
Jeff: What the hell?
Pierce: I totally had you guys convinced I was dead. That’ll teach you to value my presence.
Britta: Pierce.
Pierce: Don’t Pierce me. You were going to Vicki’s party without me. Bet you didn’t expect me to fake a haunted house to teach you a lesson.
Jeff: That’s exactly what we expected.
Shirley: For heaven’s sake, Pierce, Vicki’s the one that didn’t invite you. Why didn’t you scare her?
Pierce: Because I hate her.
Annie: Abed, where have you been?
Abed: I found Pierce’s secret surveillance room. Did you guys know he was faking a haunted house?
Jeff: This has been Abed Nadir with the late report.
Abed: Sorry, good montages take time.
Pierce: Man, it was so easy. Some shadows, a couple of mirror tricks. A little custom-built latex walls and you’re all crapping in your short pants.
Abed: It was pretty impressive, particularly the shadowy figure you hired to watch you sleep.
Annie: Wow, that is creepy.
Abed: Standout performance. Is he SAG?
Troy: What are you doing?
Pierce: I didn’t hire anyone.
Jeff: Enough, Pierce. Just open the damn door. There’s no ghost.
Pierce: How do you explain this?
Annie: You probably asked someone to help you with your stupid prank and then forgot.
Pierce: Uh-uh. LeVar Burton was a hard no. There’s only one explanation. I belittled my father’s good name for a prank. And his ghost has returned to scold me. And probably butcher you guys for going along with it.
Britta: You think hiding in this room is gonna keep you safe?
Pierce: Ghosts can’t go through doors, stupid. They’re not fire.
Shirley: Pierce, I am paying a teenager by the hour to care about my children so I can go to this party. So you have to ask yourself, is the real threat out there or in here?
Jeff: Fine, I’ll open it myself.
Pierce: No, no. He’ll scold me!
Abed: Someone’s punching in the code from the outside.
Troy: Please tell me one of us is outside.
Gilbert: May I be of some assistance?
All: Gilbert!
Pierce: Gilbert, what are you doing in my house?
Gilbert: Well, technically it’s my house. After our father died, I became the sole inheritor of his estate, including all six houses and the decommissioned submarine.
Troy & Abed: What?
Pierce: So, you came here to kick me out?
Gilbert: Actually, I came here to give you the deed, but on the day of my arrival, you were out. I noticed mail piled up by the door. I took it in, paid the overdue bills, replaced a few lightbulbs, and, well, that was six weeks ago.
Annie: So you’re been living here in secret this whole time?
Gilbert: Yes, I’m ashamed to say that after a lifetime as Cornelius’s assistant, I’ve had a difficult time adjusting to his passing. It seems his absence has taken a greater toll than his presence ever did. Taking care of Pierce gave my life purpose again. But now that I’ve been discovered by your thin friend, I must apologize and bid you adieu. Goodbye, Pierce. There’s a load of clean socks in the dryer.
Pierce: Gilbert, wait, wait. Look, I’ve been doing really well since Dad died, so I don’t need anyone taking care of me. But if you’re having a tough time, well, I guess I could use a roommate.
Gilbert: Will there be anything else, brother?
Pierce: Yes. Bring it in.
Women: Aww.
Pierce: Have fun at the party. Tell Vicki I say Happy Halloween. That’ll mess with her.
Abed: You sure you don’t wanna come?
Shirley: I’ve got a mask for you to wear. One that doesn’t zip at the mouth.
Pierce: No, thanks. I’ll hang around here with Gilbert. He needs me.
Shirley: Oh, that’s nice.
Britta: What was all that about masks?
Troy: Don’t know, don’t want to.
Britta: Fair enough. Hey, how about you and I skip out on this party?
Troy: Why? To do what and where?
Britta: Oh, I was thinking you could show me some Inspector Spacetime. You’re always talking about it. I’ve never seen a full episode.
Troy: Oh! Sure you want to? It starts pretty slow. The first inspector couldn’t even time-travel.
Britta: That sounds fine. After a night of running in circles trying to untie Winger knots, I’m looking for something slow.
Annie: Sorry I ruined your night.
Jeff: Actually, Pierce ruined my night, but you were right to let him.
Annie: You still wanna go to the party? I heard Vicki bought dry ice and gave Leonard the wrong address.
Jeff: Uh, I’ll take a pass.
Annie: Oh.
Jeff: I have some unfinished business at home.
Abed: Troy. Are you in here?
Troy: Abed, was that you? I wanna show you something on the other side of the bookcase.
Abed: Troy? Find me as soon as you can.
Pierce: Who is in my house? Gilbert! Hijinks.
Abed: Indubitably.
Troy: Did it work? Are you tall?