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Season 4 - Episode 13
"Advanced Introduction to Finality"
Written by Megan Ganz
Directed by Tristram Shapeero
Original Air Date: 5/9/2013
Transcribed by Victor
Mark: Hey. Get out of my chair, or I'll have you disbarred. Oh, wait. That already happened.
Jeff: Cash.
Mark: Tango. My old partner in my new firm. Does it get any better?
Jeff: Not unless you leave.
Mark: Still got it. So a little birdie told me you're graduating kiddie college. You must be excited to get that lollipop.
Jeff: Hey. It's a sticker.
Mark: Ha. I know your busy, not, so allow me to whip it out. Come work with me. You'll be a full partner, six figures, corner office, three secretaries. What's that? Not enough money? I'll double it. Bam. Done. That's how we negotiate. Lunch?
Jeff: Wow. I drive a hard bargain. But, Mark, aren't you a little worried I'm a little out of practice? The only cases I've tried lately are about sandwiches and yams.
Mark: Please, you were a better lawyer when you weren't a lawyer than most lawyers I know. It's still in you.
Jeff: I'll give it some thought.
Mark: Just shake my hand, idiot. It's simple.
Jeff: I like simple.
Mark: Take a look around, Winger. This is your new old life.
Pierce: I don't get it. We just had Christmas, and now it's warm outside.
Troy: Of course it is, dummy. We just finished fall-spring semester.
Britta: Bring on summer-winter.
Abed: I can't wait. My final film school class is just called Opinions. Professor Taylor is scheduled to teach, but I have a rebuttal.
Annie: Lucky. I transferred to forensics late and got the worst classes. Skull fragment collection, Advanced advanced decomp, and Intro to senselessness were all full.
Troy: I still have a year of A/C repair left. I passed all my classes, so now I just do yoga while the teachers write down my wisdoms.
Annie: Wait a minute. Jeff passed history. He's graduating early. I'm totally unprepared to deal with this.
Jeff: No, Annie, please, don't-- Well, it's official. It's on a banner.
Shirley: Congratulations, Jeffery. You worked hard not to work hard to earn that degree.
Troy: Yeah, you took so many blow-off classes and pointless electives. What did you end up majoring in?
Jeff: Education.
Pierce: You had to win, didn't you. When I was inches from the finish line.
Jeff: Pierce, you have so many credits, they have grand-credits. Just graduate already.
Britta: When's the graduation ceremony?
Jeff: Never. It's community college. You just send in some papers and they stop charging you. It's moving, in it's own way.
Annie: So this is it? A banner and some soda Troy forgot to bring?
Troy: No.
Abed: As far as graduations go, it's boring but grounded. I was hoping for more. Can we at least walk with you to the Dean's office?
Jeff: What, now? No. I was just-- I was going to mail it in next week, or, you know, whenever.
Troy: Don't be silly. We started as a study group, we'll finish as a study group. All for one, and one dude we can all leave behind. Everybody, go quickly. Go!
Abed: Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Pierce: Hey.
Dean: All right, Mr. Winger. Et Al. Britta. Emotions are running high, so I will keep this tight and short.
Jeff: You always do.
Dean: I see you have all the necessary paperwork.
Jeff: Necessary? You asked for proof of inseam.
Dean: Ah, Jeffery. I'm going to miss our playful 'Get a room already' banter.
Shirley: Oh, Dean.
Jeff: I can come back.
Dean: No, I can do this. Just need to sign the old John Dean-Cock and you will be graduated.
Jeff: So this is it?
Dean: Mm-Hmm.
Jeff: Huh. I, uh-- I expect a little more pageantry.
Dean: I'm listening.
Jeff: Annie's right. We should throw a party to make the occasion. A small one.
Annie: The teensiest. Just close friends, a small cake--
Dean: Maybe some flowers, an archway--
Annie: A string quartet. Ooh, he could wear a suit.
Jeff: Starting to sound like a wedding.
Dean: Not a wedding.
Annie: No.
Dean: Just your average, low-key diploma signing, to which you're all cordially invited, tomorrow afternoon.
Jeff: Tomorrow? Is that enough time to plan a whole wedding?
Dean: Absolutely.
Annie: I'll get my book.
Jeff: Listen, I can't do a big party. It's too much.
Britta: Oh, I see what's going on here. This is about you getting cold feet about graduating.
Jeff: Pshh, yeah. I've been looking forward to graduation since freshman registration. I already got a job lined up at my old partner's firm.
Britta: Well, then, let them eat cake.
Jeff: It's just, I'm worried that the group might not be able to handle it, emotionally, you know.
Britta: Everyone wants you to graduate, Jeff.
Abed: Well, what about Abed? I mean, the stress of me leaving might send him spiraling.
Britta: Come on, give him some more credit. He's really progressed since he opened up to my therapizing. Do you remember last year, when he wouldn't stop talking about that 'Darkest Timeline' thing?
Jeff: The one where I lost my arm?
Britta: And Pierce died, and Annie went insane, and he blamed it all on you throwing some dice. He has not brought that up in months.
Jeff: You're right, Britta. I just need to give Abed a chance.
Annie: Then it's settled. The six of us will take astronomy next semester.
Pierce: So now you're leaving me out.
Shirley: No, we're leaving Jeff out.
Pierce: So I'm not even the one who gets left out anymore. Everything's Jeff, Jeff--
Troy: Jeff.
Jeff: This seat taken? So is everyone still excited about the big shindig?
Abed: Totally. I was worried about the wedding-graduation mash up, but it's testing really well with women.
Jeff: Oh, well, that's a load off. Hey, we should probably figure out who's bringing the soda now, right? Just so there's not another hang up.
Troy: I brought it. I-I just drank it all.
Annie: It's okay. I've got it covered.
Jeff: No, no, no. You've already done so much. Besides, I think I have a fun and fair way to decide which of the six of us will bring the soda. We'll roll for it.
Abed: It didn't land on a number. That probably means nothing.
Troy: Or it means everything.
Abed: Let's hope not. You know what. I'll bring the soda. Don't worry, I'll make sure there aren't any more hang-ups.
Troy: Must I bear this cross forever?
Jeff: I was hoping for more.
Dean: [singing to wedding tune] Catherine. Do not even tell me you dropped that cake.
Evil Jeff: Parasites.
Britta: Hey. What's going on? Why are you trying to avoid graduating?
Evil Jeff: I wish I knew.
Britta: I think it's because you're scared to take this law job with your old partner. But don't let that stop you from graduating. Take the job, don't take the job. Either way, your friends are always going to be here to support you.
Evil Jeff: Good to know.
Britta: See you at graduation.
Evil Annie: And they call us the worst.
Evil Jeff: Took you long enough.
Evil Annie: Hey, nobody said you had to travel naked.
Evil Jeff: Oh, you brought the good one. You hold that, I'll do the sleeve. Wait for the click.
Evil Annie: There--
Evil Jeff: Ah. Good. Middle finger works great now. It's worse than I thought. They made lame Jeff too lame to leave Greendale. He's got to take that job.
Evil Annie: But how do we make him do that?
Evil Jeff: By turning the study group against him so he'll run screaming from this rancid cocoon into the welcoming arms of darkness. How hard is that to understand?
Evil Annie: It's not. I just like when you talk down to me like a child.
Annie: Oh, Jeff. It's bad luck to see the graduation before the graduation.
Evil Jeff: I had to talk to you. Today is bringing up so many emotions. It's a lot to take in.
Annie: I'm not making you feel nervous about graduating, am I?
Evil Jeff: Well, you're making me feel something. And it's not about graduating. I'm saying I'm hot for you.
Annie: Me? Is this for real?
Evil Jeff: Is my beating heart for real? Oh, Annie. I don't know if it's the beautiful decorations, or the impending floral archway, but there's something about this that feels so right. It's the perfect moment to remember you by.
Annie: Remember me by? I'm not going anywhere.
Evil Jeff: Exactly. You're going nowhere. I'm about to return to my cool, adult, lawyer life, and your going to be stuck here, paying high school.
Annie: Why are you saying this?
Evil Jeff: So you face the facts. Once I graduate, I'm gone.
Neil: Winger, streaking on your last day of school? Respect.
Chang: Oh, so I got the save the date for your graduation. Should I bring a date, or try to hook up there?
Annie: I'm not going to your stupid graduation, jerk. I can't believe you said those things to me.
Jeff: What things?
Annie: Don't play dumb. You want to leave? Leave. See if I care.
Britta: What did you do?
Jeff: I have no earthly idea.
Chang: Hook up there.
Evil Jeff: Hello, Abed.
Abed: Hello, Evil Jeff.
Evil Jeff: What? How did you--
Abed: I may not be good with facial expressions, but I know an evil doppelgänger when I see one. Plus your arm makes a noise every time you move it.
Evil Jeff: Silence.
Abed: Are you here to kill Jeff?
Evil Jeff: Oh, you non-evils are so naive. I'm here to save Jeff from the smothering teat of his study group.
Abed: Is that a paintball gun?
Evil Jeff: You wish.
Abed: [gets shot] Cool. Wait. Cold.
Abed: [Darkest Timeline] How did I get to the Dean's office?
Evil Dean: Hi.
Evil Chang: Out of my chair monkey.
Abed: The Darkest Timeline.
Jeff: Annie. Um, okay, let's start with 'huh?'
Evil Annie: Jeff, I'm sorry. I made it all up. I've been so upset about you graduating that I've gone a little crazy, emotionally.
Jeff: Oh, good. I thought I was losing my mind.
Evil Annie: Make it up to you with a hug?
Troy: This breakfast sandwich cart is such a great idea.
Shirley: It's never to early for Shirley-- To make a boat load off of hung over college kids.
Troy: Speaking of great idea having, hear me out. It's called, 'The Troy-Jan Horse.' It goes bread, lettuce, ham, ham, bacon, chocolate--
Shirley: Oh, how are you doing, the graduate?
Evil Jeff: Just stopping by to hand out some un-vites to my graduation. Here's one for the desperate house wife who spends more time with her pathetic business than with her family. And you. If you call a sandwich a 'Troy-Jan Horse,' people are going to think there's horse in it.
Troy: Oh, my dreams.
Evil Jeff: Whatever, losers. See you never.
Troy: Where's Abed?
Abed: Is anyone here?
Evil Abed: Hello, Abed. Welcome to our home.
Abed: Hello, Evil Abed.
Evil Abed: It's just Abed now. After we met, I abandoned my evil goal to focus on brightening my own timeline instead.
Abed: Do you live here alone?
Evil Abed: Yes. Evil Troy moved out when I gave up the cause. Now he only listens to Evil Jeff, who sort of took over this year, villian-wise. Jeff left Greendale and became a scummy lawyer again, but the more evil he got, the more he became tortured by the idea that there's still a good Jeff out there, being good somewhere. That's why he forced me to show him how to travel between timelines.
Abed: My God. This is so cool.
Evil Abed: I know. You have no idea how long I've been waiting to talk to you about it. Kind of a Superman 3 meets that Star Trek episode meets season 3 of the cape.
Abed: The Cape was cancelled.
Evil Abed: Not here. They retooled it for cable and it's awesome. Want to see it?
Abed: Desperately. But I need to get back to my timeline and stop Evil Jeff. So I came to the only person who could help me--me.
Evil Abed: I'll get you home, Abed. But first, you'll need some supplies.
Jeff: Everyone must be running late.
Dean: Here, Jeffery. You're graduated. Take your precious diploma and just go. I cannot believe the hurtful things you said to me in my office. I'll have you know that wanting a little pageantry in your life isn't a crime or a lifestyle choice.
Jeff: Okay, Annie, something definitely weird is happening. No one's here, the Dean is mad at me, and he is never mad at me, and-- a third reason.
Evil Annie: Congratulations, Jeff. Don't worry about the study group. You can talk to them later. Why don't you and I go celebrate some place private and boozy?
Jeff: Annie, why are you acting like a mistress in a lifetime movie?
Evil Annie: You're funny. Oh,sweetheart, you dropped your phone earlier. You've got a voicemail from a guy named Mark? You should call him.
Jeff: Not now. I have to find the others and figure this out.
Evil Annie: Crap. We're losing him.
Jeff: What?
Evil Jeff: What?
Jeff/Evil Jeff: Who are you? You're me? But how?
Evil Jeff: Enough of the pleasantries. I've come from the darkest timeline to make sure you take that job. It's essential to our future. You want it, idiot. So take it.
Jeff: I can't. I've spent almost four year here, growing and changing and making dioramas. I'm not that guy anymore.
Evil Jeff: You're wrong. Greendale may have dulled your killer instinct, but trust me, it's still in you. It's time to leave this place and reclaim your proper life.
Jeff: No. Not without my study group.
Evil Annie: Ugh. Now who's in a lifetime movie?
Evil Jeff: Then I'll be rid of you another way.
Chang: Friendship! [takes shot] Mm. Cold.
Evil Annie: Well, the subtle approach failed. What's next? Explain it slowly.
Evil Troy: Need some help?
Evil Jeff: Let's burn this mother down.
Britta: Jeff must be graduating about now. I wonder if anyone's there?
Troy: Doubt he cares.
Annie: Pierce won't even respond to my texts. I wonder what terrible things Jeff said about him.
Shirley: I've got some guesses.
Jeff: Let me finish. Look, I know this may sound crazy, and more than a little convenient, but whatever I said to you, it wasn't me. It was Evil Jeff.
Annie: Come on.
Jeff: Something happened when I rolled that die. Something terrible. Something only nerds can understand.
Shirley: Mm-Hmm.
Jeff: You have to believe me. They're coming for us.
Abed: No. We're coming for them.
Jeff: Abed, where have you been?
Abed: The darkest timeline. You guys never believe me, so this time, I brought proof, the doppeldeaner.
Evil Dean: Abed brought me here to prove to all of you--
Troy: Whoa.
Abed: Actually, I figured that these paintball warping guns would convince you. Listen up, people. We've got an inter-dimensional battle on our hands. Our evil counterparts are waging a war, and it's either us or us.
Jeff: All right. Let's light up these dark suckers.
Evil Jeff: Okay, everyone. Stay sharp. If you see yourself, warp on sight.
Evil Shirley: I'd like to warp myself to a dairy-free mudslide.
Evil Annie: That's just vodka, Shirley.
Evil Shirley: I know what it is.
Evil Pierce: Ah-ha.
Evil Annie: Pierce? We thought you were dead.
Evil Pierce: Hell, no. After I got shot, I faked my death to teach you all a lesson.
Evil Troy: Lesson about what?
Evil Pierce: Who can remember It was more than a year ago. And yet, here you all are, planning an invasion without me.
Evil Annie: Again, we thought you were dead.
Evil Pierce: Listen, I-I can help you guys beat the lame study group. Just tell me how this works.
Evil Britta: Fine. It's complicated, but basically, the first person to shoot themselves wins.
Evil Pierce: [shoots himself] Winner.
Evil Jeff: Well that bow tied itself.
Evil Britta: Dang, I got hair dye on my coat. Dang, it's spreading.
Evil Jeff: Damn it, Britta. Did you shoot yourself too? Everytime.
Britta: Hey. Don't talk to her like that. [busts hiding group]
Jeff: Everytime.
Evil Troy: We're here. Scatter.
Shirley: [shoots drunk evil Shirley] Get help.
Evil Annie: Can't hide forever, lame Annie. Just let me shoot you. You'll love the darkest timeline. We're sleeping with Jeff there.
Annie: What? We are?
Evil Annie: All the time. And he loves it.
Annie: Nobody sleeps with Jeff. Not even me.
Evil Troy: I've been counting bullets. One of us is out.
Troy: Is it you?
Evil Troy: Yes.
Troy: Why would you tell me that?
Evil Troy: To sound intimidating. [gets shot] Oh. Almost worked.
Troy: Ballin'.
Abed: Okay. Only Evil Jeff is left. You've got to take him out.
Jeff: Why don't I just give him what he wants.
Abed: What? You can't give up now.
Jeff: Why not?
Abed: Because it's not real. Look around, Jeff. Haven't you noticed the vending machines are full of meats and hard-boiled eggs? Or that all the background students are attractive women.
Attractive women: Hi.
Abed: Yeah. This is a world you've created in your own mind. The real battle is within. You're afraid to graduate because you think Greendale has changed you too much. So apart of you wants Evil Jeff to win, because then you could go backwards and pretend you were the same guy you were four years ago. But you're not. You're stronger. You're better. You have friends. No, screw that. You have a family.
Jeff: Wait. If this is all in my mind, then I don't really need to fight him.
Abed: [slaps Jeff] Don't logic this one away from me. We finally figured out a way to make paintball cool again.
Jeff: Hey, handsome. [shoots Evil Jeff]
Jeff: On second thought, who needs to roll a die? And who cares if we have soda? As long as you guys are with me, I have everything I need to graduate.
Troy: Yeah. Forget soda.
Dean: Friends, greendalians, human beings, we are gathered here today to honor that sacred and eternal bond. Between a student and his Dean. Neither time nor distance nor screening one's calls could ever sever what nature herself has ordained. When two men are drawn--
Jeff: I'll take it from here, Craig.
Dean: Fair enough. I was reaching.
Jeff: Three and a half years ago, when I came to Greendale, I met six very important people.
Dean: O0h. Burn on Britta.
Jeff: Sorry, seven. And meeting these people changed my life. Yep. I'm sorry. I-I don't know what to say.
Troy: Yeah, okay.
Abed: Whatever.
Jeff: I'm so used to being the guy who can talk his way out of anything, but what do you say when you don't want a way out? What you all have done for me is indescribable. It's unbelievable. And my love for you is in immeasurable, even when you split it seven ways.
Dean: Well said, Jeffery. If anyone here should have just cause why Jeffery Tobais Winger should not be graduated, speak now or forever--
Jeff: Pierce. You don't have to do this. I'm ready to graduate.
Pierce: Yeah? Well, I'm ready to graduate first.
Jeff: Seems oddly appropriate. Congratulations, Pierce.
Jeff: Perfect.
Dean: So what's next for Jeffrey Winger?
Jeff: I'm thinking I might look into some small local firms. I'm going to use my big mouth to help the little guy.
Annie/Shirley: Aww.
Jeff: Plus, if I stay in town, I can pop by anytime I want. You know, just to settle group arguments about who misses me the most.
Britta: Oh. [Abed/Britta point to themselves]
Jeff: What do you think?
Abed: To Jeff.
Shirley: To Jeffery. [everyone toasts]
Evil Troy/Evil Abed: Troy and Abed in the morning.
Evil Abed: Welcome back. We've got a jam packed show, so let's get started.
Evil Troy: Today, as always, we'll be visited once again by Greendale's king and supreme lord master, Dean Chang.
Evil Abed: Looks like he'll be talking about squash this time.
Evil Troy: Oh, I'm super excited for that. And not only because it's mandatory.
Evil Abed: But first, we'll take a spin around the timeline map and find out what's been happening in the universes that parallel ours.
Troy: Thanks, us. I'm standing here in timeline 5, where things are pretty much normal.
Britta: Normal? Troy, people are on fire in Nairobi. You call that normal? I've become much more conscious of world issues. Since Troy and I decided to give our baby an African name. Isn't that right Chewbacca.
Troy: It means, 'He who hunts bounties.' Back to you.
Evil Troy: Wow, it sounds like things are really heating up in Nairobi.
Evil Abed: That's nothing compared to the fire in our studio audience. [shows Evil Shirley passed out drunk]
Evil Jeff: Hey, idiots. How many times have I told you, the show doesn't really exist. No one's watching.
Evil Troy: Duh-doy. We know.
Evil Abed: Yeah, we're just messing around. See you at lunch Evil Jeff.
Evil Jeff: See you at lunch.
Evil Troy/Evil Abed: Troy and Abed in the morning.